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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Coping with losing the child as they grow up

92 replies

slipperandpjsmum · 11/03/2012 09:31

I have always had a great relationship with my ds who is now almost 16 and I really admire the young man he is becoming. But I can't help but feel a little sad when I look at pictures of him when he was younger. I miss the child he was. Am I the only person who misses the child they used to be?

OP posts:

JosieGlow · 12/04/2012 00:29

I thought 'empty nest syndrome' came when they 'left home' but I realised recently that it can happen even when they are still living with you. I don't know or understand my 'nearly 16 year old' anymore. He left the house in barefeet after a row over revision at 10.00 tonight. A bright and lovely young man who has begun to think that life is pointless (...so why bother trying to work for good results, go to uni, get a job...you're just going to die eventually and all you have done will be futile). Sorry, just needed to share my sadness and frustration. Thanks.

qo · 12/04/2012 00:42

Slippers, I almost started this thread myself!

I'm finding it very hard with dd growing up and moving away from me, which I understand is an entirely natural thing to happen, to the point where I've really cried my eyes out over it quite a few nights.

We were so close, she thought there was nobody else on earth like me, I'm suffering a lot of guilt that I wasted some of that time with her and that I can never get that time back again. It's all so sad.

She's my last and also my only daughter, maybe that has something to do with it? I can't recall feeling as sad as this when my sons were branching out (now 22 and 19)

JosieGlow · 12/04/2012 00:55

Its good to know we are not alone in our sadness. Sharing can help ease the pain.

LineRunner · 12/04/2012 00:59

Josie, Are you OK? I just clicked onto this thead and saw that you were in the middle of a bit of a crappy situation. I have two teenagers myself. Plenty of tears.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2012 05:09

Josie, if it's any consolation, DS spent his teen years chronically underperforming in school, never actively fighting me but never putting in anything like the effort his sisters did and I despaired he would ever amount to anything, felt terrible guilt because exH and I had separated just when he was about 13-14, and he and exH had a terrible relationship that I could do nothing to protect him from.

I encouraged him to get into flying; technical course, good career prospects, independent sort of role, and he had been interested in planes and flight all his childhood. Sadly it turned out that his only options wrt flying were courses that were too expensive for me.

He settled into university (in the US) all the same, not the best university, not the one where his brains could have taken him if he had worked, but I told him with tears in my eyes as I left him that he needed to put his ears back and work really hard and perhaps he would be able to transfer. Lo and behold he did just that and will be attending a far better university in the autumn. I mean in a different league, and in pre med to boot. He will end up with a B.Sc in cellular and molecular biology if he can keep up the work and I have no reason to believe he will lose the impetus. He is a different boy from the one who I knew this time last year. I want to snog the academic advisor who asked him if he had ever considered medicine. She must have been incredibly good looking for DS to have paid attention to her suggestion.

Don't give up hope.

JosieGlow · 12/04/2012 19:06

LineRunner and manthanxiety. Thanks so much for your kind words. DS came home just as I finished my message so tried to give him some time. LR I'm grateful for your concern and empathy and MA thank you for your uplifting story. I'm sure I will have a similar one to tell in time to come. It's just hard to know what's going on for all three of my family right now. Am trying to find some family counselling to get us on track. It's a comfort to know that lovely Mumsnet people are around to offer each other support any time of the day or night.

Becaroooo · 12/04/2012 19:14

ds1 (8) is at the age now that his friends are starting to ring up and arrange to meet up/play. He will only kiss me if no-one is looking.

This, from a boy who used to lie on my lap and snuggle for hours

LineRunner · 12/04/2012 19:24

Glad you are OK, Josie.

Math - thank you for your story. It's good to hear about positives with our boys, tbh.

Original poster

slipperandpjsmum · 15/04/2012 08:59

This tread makes me think about grandparents in a very different way!

OP posts:

theresafire · 15/04/2012 09:14

Damn the whole photos thing! I have a veritable mountain of young DC photos, to look at them in future and be sad wasn't my plan!

Though I can see how that could happen. There's a lump in my throat and my lip is all a wobble reading this thread.

i really try to love them loads and really embrace every day but I can still feel them slipping away . They are 9,5 and 2.

bruffin · 15/04/2012 17:00

I found a video the other day of Ds aged 14 months. He is at my mums playing with here stereo turning up the music , having a little dance then going back to play with the sound.
He is 16 now and wants to be an acoustic engineer.

He is so desperate to get out and see the world, can't wait to go to university.
I will be sad to see him go, but in other ways its lovely to see him not scared of stretching his wings.
Thankfully he wants to go to Southampton uni so it won't be too far away.

bruffin · 15/04/2012 17:09

Oh dear Toy Story 2, is on and I can't watch any of them now without a tear.
They are all about growing up and moving on and Ds was born the same year as Ts1 and always loved Buzz.

gramercy · 17/04/2012 13:51

I wish I hadn't clicked on this thread... sob!

I just want to stop the clock. Where's my little boy in his duffel coat and bobble hat? He now growls, loves his iPod more than me and even has some spots...

Luckily dd has decided she doesn't want to be in her own room any more and has moved into bed with dh and me. She is 8...

user838383 · 15/07/2018 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustDanceAddict · 15/07/2018 16:49

Yes and no! I think what I miss a bit is the social life that comes with having younger ones as now they want to see their own friends and not interested so much in our friends with kids (bar a couple of families). It’s normal, but I also miss the going out as a family but even if it was to the park or a local attraction!
I also wish I hadn’t been as impatient for them to grow up etc and a bit more patient with them too.
I love watching videos of them when they were little - it’s like watching a different person!!

SoundofSilence · 17/07/2018 15:16

Suddenly, yes. Up until now I have enjoyed DS1's teen years as much if not more than his little boy years, and loved hearing about his activities and the things he was learning, but GCSEs this year have changed him. I see flashes of the old DS1 now and then, but his new-found apathy is driving me crazy.

SoundofSilence · 17/07/2018 15:17

Sorry, didn't realise this was such an old thread.

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