It’s a bedroom one…!

[Quicknip]

Ok, so we have dss16. We also have three children under 6, and currently they share one room/co sleep with us in a three bed house so bedrooms aren’t an issue right now.
we have kept dss room the same through having three babies, so he has continuity, he’s not had to change anything in that respect due to new children. However in the next couple of years he’s going to be an adult with a bedroom at his main residence (mums) and a bedroom here (which is also the bigger of the children’s rooms).
just wanted to get opinions really -
for context dss only sleeps here eow and half holidays. So there’s a big bedroom vacant most of the time and while I’ve been keen to ensure fairness and status quo to dss I can see a time approaching when the younger kids start to need some fairness too and the two eldest will need to share a big room, leaving the smallest room for the youngest child who will be 4 or 5.
He may not even be doing overnights at that point but if he is, we have a living room that’s not used at night, I’m thinking sofa bed?

I think he needs his own bed and room, especially as he gets older. You should have thought about the room situation before having 3 other children, yes? Would you do this to your own child or how would you feel if you and your DH split up and this was what was presented to your children? I think a sofa bed sends a message that he is not really considered a part of the family.

Agree that a sofa bed in the living room is for occasional guests not a family member. Is there no prospect of you getting another house? Or doing some work on it to help with the room situation?

@justmeandmyselfandi i suppose if we separated and my kids had their own rooms at my house age 18, a sofa bed for the 4 nights a month they were at dads isn’t that bad…we’re discussing an adult here not a ten year old.
so when is acceptable to use the mostly vacant bedroom for resident children? When dss turns 20?

A sofa bed in the living room is for guests. He is not a guest until he has his own home. That can be either signing a lease or buying a home. Student halls do not count.

he needs a bed in a bedroom. He does not need to have the largest room. The time may come where he has to share.

If he was your biological 16 year old, would you have had three more children in a 3 bed house?
You’ve had literally years to sort this out.

He needs to go into the box room. You and DH need to go into the middle room. 3 kids in largest bedroom. Limp along for 2 years and when he's 18/finished school he will have to give up his bedroom.

It's fine if he has the worst room if he's not there often, but a sofa bed is not on. It should still be his home until he has his own place.

I wouldn’t even expect guests to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. I’d give them my room and sleep in the living room myself. Sofa bed in a spare room is a completely different proposition. No privacy in a living room.

Sofa in sitting room not okay, but the current situation isn’t going to last either. What about something like a Murphy bed in the bigger room so the area is play and sleep for little kids most of the time but that bed can be pulled out when he’s there? Or getting creative with bunks and stacking beds in big room for small kids and he gets box room?

A spare living room could also be converted to a bedroom. It should be a bedroom though.

its a living room not used at night I have already said? We use the snug/diner which is opposite side of the house so he’d have privacy. Put it another way, it’s a second living room unused?
also I’m not talking about now, I’m talking about in a couple years, when he’s 18+! Already put all this in my OP 🫣

Not to forget he has a bedroom to himself at his main residence, his mums…

Nobody's living room is used at night, what are you on about?

At night we watch tv/hang out in the snug. The living room is not used at night (or much during the day to be fair)

If you have a completely unused reception room that can be repurposed as a full time bedroom, what’s the actual problem?

Totally irrelevant when he’s at his Dad’s…

Yes we've all read your OP. The living room is not ok, it's his home too, he's not some random visitor. Seriously have some empathy and see it from his point of view

This. It’s not his fault his father decided to produce more offspring than he could reasonably house.

Exactly. Shit parenting

You're giving a bunch of strangers on the internet the impression that he's not wanted there with this plan; how do you think a hormonal teenager is going to take it irl?

If you can do without a reception room then by all means make it a bedroom. Children's and teenagers' bedrooms are not just for sleeping in, which I think is the point you're getting stuck on. They're a sanctuary and a place for privacy. You might have forgotten this because the whole house is "yours" but try to think back to when you were young and retreated to your room.

I wouldn’t repurpose it as a full time bedroom because he isn’t here full time, but it being a multi purpose room, so a living room rest of time, dss space for the two weekends a month here’s actually here seems ok to me especially for an adult not a young child, Which is what I asked in my op! It becomes his space when he’s here (sofa pulls out to bed), we all use the snug, useable space by the rest of family when he’s not. 🙈

Having six people (four of whom are only getting bigger) in a three-bed house is going to take some imagination, so you will have to figure out what are communal spaces and what are private rooms. This may need a complete rethink of how you use your living room, and whether you can rejig how various rooms are used.

I can’t imagine putting three kids in one bedroom. What was your plan before they were born?

Yes but the rest of the time your kids can get into his things and mess stuff up?

What does your DH think?

Well, I guess it's a way to make sure he never actually comes to stay overnight at his dad's anymore. Is that your objective in this?