It’s a bedroom one…!

[Quicknip]

Ok, so we have dss16. We also have three children under 6, and currently they share one room/co sleep with us in a three bed house so bedrooms aren’t an issue right now.
we have kept dss room the same through having three babies, so he has continuity, he’s not had to change anything in that respect due to new children. However in the next couple of years he’s going to be an adult with a bedroom at his main residence (mums) and a bedroom here (which is also the bigger of the children’s rooms).
just wanted to get opinions really -
for context dss only sleeps here eow and half holidays. So there’s a big bedroom vacant most of the time and while I’ve been keen to ensure fairness and status quo to dss I can see a time approaching when the younger kids start to need some fairness too and the two eldest will need to share a big room, leaving the smallest room for the youngest child who will be 4 or 5.
He may not even be doing overnights at that point but if he is, we have a living room that’s not used at night, I’m thinking sofa bed?

That's perfectly fine.

Ignore all the hand ringing about it, as long as he's got some private space when he is there & somewhere to keep all his things he leaves at your house (so say a nice sideboard rather than a chest of drawers, a piece of furniture that looks appropriate in the room when it's a living room) that's totally fine for a couple of nights a month.

We had hoped to move but two sales fell through. I was pregnant with dc1. It may be something we can revisit or perhaps even split the biggest room into two, if finances allow. But it’s not an issue currently as we have long term co sleepers with the youngest two. Which is why I’m asking about the future - when dss is 18,19+, an adult who might not even do contact the way it works now. Everyone seems to be jumping down my throat when I’m discussing a point in the future!

I don’t see an issue. It’s 4 nights a month which will likely start to tail off. You have a couple years to see how the ground lies but in the meantime I’d be swapping the existing bedrooms so the resident children have the most space especially as there’s 3 of them sharing a room!

Thanks for your response. I understand the logic but I don’t want to swap the rooms just yet, the eldest of our three sleeps in the small room and the two youngest co sleepers so for now it’s fine. Just wanted some opinions on future arrangements! But I’m glad someone can see the sense in what I’ve suggested.

I mean DSS will have gone his entire childhood with a room to himself, at both his mum and dad’s houses, and I’m looking at this only changing once he’s an actual adult so prioritising dss having the space for now over the resident kids, while ensuring he has his own space in some form should he stay over later on. Meanwhile our younger kids will be sharing, kids have shared rooms forever, hardly shit parenting.

Your plan sounds good OP

Planning to have any more DC?

I guess we all have different standards I wouldn't have 4 kids with a 3 bedroom house. Having your own bedroom is just the basics.

I wouldn’t put an age on it like 18 or 19 or 20, I think it’s dependent on circumstances. He might not want a rigid schedule of every other weekend at Dad’s, he might want less time or more time. He might be away at uni. He might want to rent his own place. He might have a partner who he wants to spend time with.

It doesn’t make sense having him in the largest room when he is there so infrequently. I probably would try to facilitate his own room for as long as possible, mainly because there is quite an age gap between him and the other three, but it would be the smallest room.

If you have a spare living room that would be easily converted to a bedroom then yes that sounds like a good idea. Or dividing an existing bedroom. Or moving to a larger house. Obviously it’s all dependent on what works for your budget and your circumstances. But you also need to balance that against the fact that at that age, he probably won’t be there for much longer anyway.

I'd put DS's in smallest bedroom as he has it to himself. You and DH take middle room and 3dc share largest room until DS's is 20 or away at uni. Then I'd move youngest DC into smallest room if DS's is over 20 or away at uni, whichever happend first.

@Quicknip Step son needs to move to the smallest room now, not in 2 years time. The eldest two of the youngest should share the bigger room (if they’re the same sex) and then you have the youngest in your room. The youngest can go in the smallest room when step son is 18/19 and he can have a sofa bed when he occasionally stays overnight.

Sofa beds are usually dreadful, and a real faff. Get a decent wall bed in your extra lounge.

This.

But I’m glad someone can see the sense in what I’ve suggested.

It's always nice when someone agrees with us, but you have more disagreeing with you, which should tell you something

1. absolutely not anymore children 🤣
2. yes I can see the sense in swapping rooms now but given that contact may naturally taper off as dss grows into an adult and the younger kids don’t need the room right now I’d prefer to keep it for dss for the time being
3. we haven’t returned to trying to move house because when our shared dc1 was a baby, dss’ mum moved to live 5 minutes up the road from us. This is after years of dss living nearly an hour away, so we’ve stayed put rather than move away from dss.

What you suggest is fine, op.

The reality is when contact is not 50:50 or very close to it, the visiting child is indeed doing just that. Having a room stand empty bar 4 nights a month is ridiculous.

If he has a bedroom at his mum’s 5 minutes away, then he doesn’t need a bedroom at yours, especially the larger room. You could make two of your children share the larger room and one has the smallest room.

Is he likely to move away for uni OP? Either way after A-levels / college I’d be moving him into the living room. I’d be moving him into the small room now and your two eldest into the big room. Absurd to have the biggest room empty for twelve days out of fourteen.

>>But I’m glad someone can see the sense in what I’ve suggested.
>>It's always nice when someone agrees with us, but you have more disagreeing with you, which should tell you something

Yes, I don’t understand these sorts of posts. A person asks for opinions/advice, then retrenches and defends what they want to do and intend to do from all opinions to the contrary. Why post anything, if you know what you’re going to do anyway? These posters don’t want advice, they want validation. I don’t think it would be fun to have this or any other “discussion” with this sort of person in real life, if I was a spouse or child….how much do you think they’d listen to your perspective? Would it be a real conversation or a steamroll?

OP, just do what you’ve already decided to do and put the stepson on the sofa and stop wasting commenters’ time, I don’t think the finer psychological points raised here mean anything to you.

I’m taking all your opinions on board, thanks. I’ve only defended my idea if I feel someone has misunderstood, I got the impression a few posters thought I wanted to change things now when it’s not the case at all and I’ve made that clear or that I was meaning dss would be expected to use the same room we watch telly in at night! Or criticising us for not moving to a bigger house when we’ve stayed here after failed attempts to move because dss now lives only 5 mins away. We had actually hoped DSS would have had more overnights as a result of the mum moving so close but it didn’t happen.

I think it depends on what DSS wants to do. If he still wants to stay at your house as part of the family, regularly, he needs a bedroom that he can go and do whatever he wants to do - play games, call friends, lie in, listen to music. The fact that he has a bedroom at his mum's is irrelevant to the time he is at your house because he needs proper permanent sleeping accommodation wherever he lives. Yes, he'll be 18, but he may want to continue living part time with both of his parents.

I also wonder what you mean by '5 minutes up the road'. That could be a quick 5 minute walk, or a bus journey he can do independently or a significant drive.

I would put DSS in the smallest room now(ish), unless it's going to cause a lot of upset. Then set the biggest room up so all three of your small ones have a bed in there (or with two beds and a plan for a third). You're co-sleeping now but your older co-sleeper may want their own bed some of the time, or you might reach a point where you want to encourage them to move out. I've done very long-term co-sleeping and I think it works better where it's properly a choice. I'm mainly thinking that if you make a change with future-proofing now, you don't need to do it again.

You don't know what the situation will be in two years' time when DSS is 18. But I think you have to allow for the possibility that he still needs a proper sleeping accommodation at yours. There is always the chance that he may make it his main residence.

It’s 5 minutes by car between the houses, beautiful quiet safe roads and both parents live the same distance away from his school.

of course and if he chose to live here instead of his mums then that changes things and the setup would need looking at in a different light. As I said we had hoped he’d be staying here more but the fact that overnights haven’t increased since he was 4 and have lessened at times despite living much closer than previous makes me think they’ll taper off especially as he starts going out, driving, etc. which is why I was considering having the seldom used living room as a dual purpose room, rather than continue to have a space unused for an increasing amount of time, once he’s an adult and having ensured he’s had the continuity of the same bedroom here through all his childhood and indeed mostly all his teen years.
Long term co sleeping is most definitely a choice and one we are happy with 😊

don’t know what dss plans are re. Education, work etc. I don’t think he knows - I definitely didn’t at his age!

Ask him if he minds the idea of sharing/box room/Sofa bed room. He’s 16 not 4 so it’s best to start consulting him with things like this going forward. When this situation came up a few years ago with my son wanting the bigger room and step daughter to move to the box room he asked her.. actually bribed her in the end with a pair of Nike Air Force and £50.

Well it didn't take long for the step mum bashing to begin

You haven't said whether you have boys, girls or both. All three could share for a bit but if different genders there's a natural cut off point.
Nor have you said when you expect the co-sleeping to naturally end.

If you have three small boys, they could share for years to come with a decent room layout.
If you have 2+1 then realistically you will eventually need to move or he needs to lose his room.

I think that if you have a mostly unused living room that with some adaptations it could be fine. It will have space for him to have friends over and provided there is an actual bed/day bed it's workable. Does he actually keep any clothing or possessions at your house in practice given he is with you overnight so little? Practically speaking he will probably go home to his mothers in preference but it is worth considering how the relationship is managed over the next few years so he has some quality time with his father and they remain close.