It’s a bedroom one…!

[Quicknip]

Ok, so we have dss16. We also have three children under 6, and currently they share one room/co sleep with us in a three bed house so bedrooms aren’t an issue right now.
we have kept dss room the same through having three babies, so he has continuity, he’s not had to change anything in that respect due to new children. However in the next couple of years he’s going to be an adult with a bedroom at his main residence (mums) and a bedroom here (which is also the bigger of the children’s rooms).
just wanted to get opinions really -
for context dss only sleeps here eow and half holidays. So there’s a big bedroom vacant most of the time and while I’ve been keen to ensure fairness and status quo to dss I can see a time approaching when the younger kids start to need some fairness too and the two eldest will need to share a big room, leaving the smallest room for the youngest child who will be 4 or 5.
He may not even be doing overnights at that point but if he is, we have a living room that’s not used at night, I’m thinking sofa bed?

🤣🤣 that’s so funny!

the person I know whose parents did this has never forgiven them.

Yeah we have 2 & 1, if we moved in the next few years we would probably see much less of dss because it would be us moving away from him, his school and his friends etc. this house also represents (in our eyes) the most stability dss has had in his life as his mum has moved house a lot with him whereas we have been in this house since he was young despite our efforts to move ahead of our dc1 arriving!
he doesn’t have much here, no. Especially as he’s gotten older and presents have switched to cash, gift cards, gadgets, games. I tarted his room up for him a couple of years ago to make it a bit cooler and less babyish, and put childhood stuff into storage boxes and so now it’s basically 2 drawers of clothes, a pc, and a bed. A few silly teen bits to decorate the room.

Sofa bed is a no from me too but a move to the smallest room is perfectly fair and something that would have probably happened already in many homes

Turn it into a bedroom then, problem solved.

Just don’t use it at all if it’s used so little anyway and make it a permanent bedroom for your step son. He needs a proper bedroom until he chooses to no longer stay overnight.

I'd convert the snug into a bedroom and use the main living room as your relaxing room. I think it's important for him as an adult to have his own sleeping / living space . I wouldn't want him to feel pushed out or like his a visitor in the home. I think once he actually has his own home then it would be worth discussing getting rid of his room. Although, I don't think anything should be done without discussion with him.

What are the ages of the younger kids and which are boys or girls?

What are the ages and sex of the three younger ones? I think that makes a difference

Is it 3 boys including SS and one girl?

I think if so, girl gets smaller room, 3 boys share. Most of the time it would be 2 boys sharing but with SS when he's there. One bunk bed one single, SS on top bunk. So his room becomes the 'boys' room.

It's not ideal but the only other option I can see would be to give him the single and 3 kids in the double. That would not work for long, though as eventually boys/girls would be too old to share (it's not recommended when one is older than 10).

Other alternative is you and DH in small room, 2 boys in one big room, partition second double so there's separate rooms for SS and DD 🤣🤣🤣

I can’t imagine having 4 kids and only 3 bedrooms ( and we have 4 kids) an open conversation needs to happen but I would re organise the rooms upstairs for the full time kids and have the flexi room downstairs for ss.

To be honest though, if you don't actually use the living room much as a family and basically use the snug as a living room, it's less of an issue. My room at my dad's was his office with a sofa bed and I never thought anything of it.

No two ways about it, until he has a home of his own (not student halls/student flat) he needs his own room at your house.

You don't have 3 children, you have 4. The eldest needs a room. It doesn't matter how much or how little he is living there.

If you've got 2 living rooms, change one permanently into a bedroom.
Or extend into the loft.

You have options, you just don't want to see them.

If you have the money to move but didn't to stay closer to SS can you afford to convert the loft? It would also increase the value for when/if you do decide to sell or would just provide extra space for the younger three as they get older if you stay put

It’s irrelevant that he has a bedroom at his mums. If he wants to spend time with his father in his home, the bedroom at his mums is useless.

Id give him the smaller room and have the other three in together, or keep the youngest in with you till they are 8. Three more children is a lot and you need to be responsible for the consequences of that, not your step son.

That's silly. Why does he need a room of his own? I think he should be in one of the bedrooms but he has multiple siblings so they have to share - makes most sense for the girl to have her own room.

Why no bedroom at all for 2 children until age 8 so an adult man gets his own room at his dad's house where he spends a couple of nights a month? That's plainly ridiculous.

If his dad wanted him to be treated as if he had no siblings then he shouldn't have had more children. As he has had 3 more children he needs to treat them all reasonably. Reasonable does not include 2 children in with mum and dad until 8 to keep a room empty 80% of the time so an adult can occupy it occasionally. That's nonsense.

so we have dss16.
who is ‘we’ in this sentence?

Because he's the oldest child and there is a BIG age difference.

He should have been factored into housing / child number decisions from day 1. He was there first. Not the oldest son's fault his dad has made a family bigger than he can cope with.

Putting an older teenager in with 2 young children is a sure recipe for him never coming over to his fathers.

If we were discussing a 30 year old who hadn't yet moved out, it would be a different conversation. But until he's finished uni, at the very least, he needs to have his own room.

He doesn't need a bigger room than your young children who are there full time.

Give him the smallest room and the kids who are sharing the biggest room in the house.

It probably won't be for much longer. My stepson stopped staying overnight around 18 and I eventually turned his room into an office as he never used it. If it does end up being long term, a sofabed would be best as it's not fair for your kids to share such little space imo.

Are your children the same gender? Something to think about as they get older as no matter what someone will have to share.

Totally agree with this

Dss is still a child of your household. Therefore he needs a bedroom.

You said the living room is unused and you use the snug. Where is this, is it a standalone room? If so use your living room for us intended purpose. Turn the snug into a permanent bedroom for dss, bedrooms upstairs for the younger 3.

Kindly, there’s not really much point discussing bedroom arrangements for 3/4 years in the future at the moment if you have no idea what the circumstances are going to be.

He could have a job and his own flat locally and not even need the sofa bed, he could have fallen out with his mum and be staying with you full time and he would definitely need a room. It’ll be much more obvious at the time what’s appropriate.

You move your bed into the living room. Let DSS16 get your room. Frees up a room.

Regardless of whether or not he was there first, or whether or not it's his fault he has siblings, the fact remains that he DOES have siblings who are equally human beings that exist. Just because you think they shouldn't exist so he can have his own room doesn't mean they don't.