It’s a bedroom one…!

[Quicknip]

Ok, so we have dss16. We also have three children under 6, and currently they share one room/co sleep with us in a three bed house so bedrooms aren’t an issue right now.
we have kept dss room the same through having three babies, so he has continuity, he’s not had to change anything in that respect due to new children. However in the next couple of years he’s going to be an adult with a bedroom at his main residence (mums) and a bedroom here (which is also the bigger of the children’s rooms).
just wanted to get opinions really -
for context dss only sleeps here eow and half holidays. So there’s a big bedroom vacant most of the time and while I’ve been keen to ensure fairness and status quo to dss I can see a time approaching when the younger kids start to need some fairness too and the two eldest will need to share a big room, leaving the smallest room for the youngest child who will be 4 or 5.
He may not even be doing overnights at that point but if he is, we have a living room that’s not used at night, I’m thinking sofa bed?

I was here first, should my sister have had to sleep in with my mum forever so I got to have my own room?

It sounds to me like you're a lovely stepmum. The fact you're asking if this is fair shows you care. Other than that you've kept his room for him and done it up etc even though he rarely visits.

I was in the same situation and there does come a point where you need to be practical. I know for us it's not a great time to upsize because of the mortgage rates and general COL so you can only do the best you can.

Since it's a separate living space (didn't notice that when I left my last suggestion) why don't you ask how he'd feel about it. Make it clear it's because he doesn't use sleep over much and you're struggling. Tell him you always want to make sure he has a place to stay and if he's not ok with it, you'll shift the rooms around instead.

Is a loft room feasible?

Honestly, unless he's incredibly fragile, I'd be shocked if he cares once he turns 18. And if he does care then your DH has bigger problems. I moved out to halls when I was 18 - my little sister had my room converted before I made it to the motorway and when I came home everyone just budged up. In my experience this is totally normal in families with more people than bedrooms (which in itself is not abusive/neglectful no matter what way this thread is going).

What good is his bedroom at his mums house when he’s stopping with his dad? The trouble with putting him in the living room is you don’t want to make him feel unwelcome and he stops coming to stay. I would for now put him in the little room and explain the children sharing need the bigger room. I’m sure he’d rather go in a smaller room alone than share with a young child

Op you will never win this, it's a step parent forum but step parents are hated, no matter what you do will never be good enough, I'm in the same boat sort of, I have 2 dsd who have the second biggest room my LG is in the box room, his daughters stay 3 times a year, so I'm taking there room and turning it in to my LG bedroom, there will be a bed in the box room when they decide to stay again, prop hear 14 yo cry cause she has her birthday sleep overs here, but tbh I'm not keeping a room that my daughter could be using with all her toys to only get used 3 times a year. At the end of the day it's my LG full time home and she needs the space.

Hi OP,
I’ve only read the first page of responses so sorry if this isn’t relevant but as I thought it’s mostly people with 0 idea of your situation responding. I literally went to post something identical the other day then deleted it because I knew I would get a load of abuse. Me and my DH had a debate the other day as we are planning another baby but already have DSS (10) who is here as much as yours, and DD (2) and we are in a 3 bed. We have said that if we were to have a girl they would share with DD as she has the bigger room. If it was a boy we would ask DSS if he wanted to share the bigger room with him, or we have a ‘game room’ downstairs which DSS mainly uses to play on his PlayStation. Currently we have a sofa bed in there which we use for guests but we are going to change it for a day bed (if you look on ikea day bed double) because then it doesn’t feel like his bed is being ‘put out’ like a guest but is still equally multipurpose for guests and use during the day. We are also going to put some drawers in there for his stuff which we can lock for when he’s not there and any big toys will go in the biggest kids room as he doesn’t really play with them but might one day decide to! I’m going to put locks on that door so he has privacy when he’s here and is in effect ‘his room’ but equally when he’s not here we will use the room as we do now (which isn’t much) as similarly to you we don’t have loads of spare space! DH was apprehensive at first but I reminded him he didn’t bat an eyelid at the thought of DD ‘losing her space’ and having to share so sometimes that’s just life! I think the whole point is to try and make the child feel like they’ve still got the space should they need it. With our future plan, if DSS was to turn around and want to be with us full time he could, whereas it might seem trickier to him on a sofa bed in the living room so I think it’s all about how you can sell it to him! Feel free to PM me if you need a chat; I know it’s hard.

so when is acceptable to use the mostly vacant bedroom for resident children? When dss turns 20?

@Quicknip there are two different answers. In a 'together' family, bedrooms can be reallocated at any time, depending on the needs of the family. But when a step child is involved, common sense flies out the window, and the handwringers wlll say you should maintain sole use of a bedroom for him, til he's around 42, otherwise he will suffer dreadful psychological damage.

Aw that poor kid, even at 18 he needs a bedroom. The living room would be a place to physically sleep, but what about the rest of his visit, where does he hang out, get changed, store his stuff?

Im going to go against the grain here. I think it’s utter madness to reserve a bedroom to the detriment of the other children for someone who stays so infrequently.

He should either share or have the smaller room. The downstairs snug sounds like it might offer the most privacy and allow you to best utilise the space for the benefit of all the family.

Exactly - I left home for work and came back every few weekends or so to see friends in my early 20’s my bedroom was just a guest room. My parents didn’t reserve the room for ever and ever!

I agree that he should have his own bedroom still which may feel frustrating considering he’s barely there but you should however move him to the smaller room.

It makes zero sense that you have three children in another room together and it’s the smaller of the two.

Or you could split the three younger kids into the two bedrooms but on the basis that when older brother comes to stay they all room together so he can have his own privacy.

Utterly ridiculous posts. He has his own room in his main residence, you are meant to keep the largest room free for 4 days a month? Ludicrous! Families grow change and needs of all children need to be considered. My step children have space at our home. My SD has a pull out bed in a room she shares with my daughter. They share the room but it’s decorated to my daughter’s taste because my step daughter has her own room at her mums decorated to her taste. That doesn’t mean it’s devoid of her things, she has pictures, ornaments, cupboards that equal my daughter’s. My SS has a room that also serves purpose as an office and space room for guests. Again he has his things arranged on show and own cupboards. And again he has his own room in his main residence. My son has the box room as he is the youngest.

in time this will all change when my step children are older and don’t stay over as often. It will still be their home and they will always be welcome (can even live with us if they wish) but there is no museum dedicated to them and only used on occasion. That will also apply to my own children too!

The two rooms are needed for the children who live their 100% of the time, you however need to come up with a clever space solution for your SS and I think it needs to be more than a sofa bed in the living room.

He could be in the smallest room. 3 kids in big room & you and I/h in middle room. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. In due course, in his own time, you’ll regain the box room. Don’t be arsey. It’s his home too. He needs space, but it certainly could be the smallest space.

OP have you spoken to your stepson about what he wants? He must have noticed that he has three younger siblings who will need space, he probably has his own ideas.

I'd suggest a murphy bed rather than a sofa bed and he needs some space for storage.

I really don't get this mentality, it comes up here all the time regarding bedrooms, holidays, inheritance. A step child has two homes, through no fault of their own. It shouldn't mean if they have a bedroom in one home then they really shouldn't be entitled to one in the other home. Nothing sends a clearer message to a child (regardless of age) that you don't have a home here than sleeping on the sofa. Your DH really should have thought about this before having 3 more dc.

The unused living room will he get privacy in there from the other kids so he can have a lie in or for getting changed ect? Also agree if you go this way if he keeps things at yours he need somewhere to put it for when yous are using the room.