Summer holiday plans am I being unreasonable

[Babyinbloom291]

My DSC comes to stay with us in the 6 weeks holiday, which is no issue. I am pregnant and my due date is July which means we will have a new born baby in the house, it’s my first child so I already have worries as any new parent about what to expect and just general how tough things will be at the beginning while I learn the ropes.

My DSC (teenage) asked her dad if she could have a friend stay with us over the holidays, which would not usually be an issue. Later that day we find out actually it was her mother who said she’d be able to arrange that with her father, and shouldn’t be an issue.

My husband agrees that it’s an insane suggestion given that we will have a new born in the house, and have never met said friend. Also we are in no financial position at the moment to board an extra small adult. Just confirming we are not being unreasonable? There has been no prior conversation with him or us about the arrangement so we feel a bit blind sided. Also if my husband has to say no, it makes him look like the bad guy.

No you're not being unreasonable. Her dad will have to sit her down and explain to her how difficult it will be in the house, establishing a routine with a newborn, and that the immediate recovery period after giving birth is a time when a woman in particular needs peace and privacy from strangers. Having a friend stay will be impractical, definitely this year. A teenager should be able to grasp this.

Yanbu to be cautious especially as you don't know the duration of the proposed visit and I agree with pp this is for DH to manage. A friend of DSCs who you have previously met might be ok for up to 2 nights at a time, no more than twice over the holidays, but on the understanding that said friend realises that this is a house with a newborn baby, so there will be minimal noise when you are trying to settle the baby, and they can expect to be woken in the night a couple of times. There's time enough between now and july for you to meet potential house guest and check they aren't too antisocial.

Although this is your first baby it is not your dh's first, and for the duration of the summer holidays your house is her home, she belongs there and is not a guest but a full member of the family. It is not unreasonable for a teen to have a friend come to stay for a couple of nights during the holidays.

Sorry to add, we live 200 miles away from DSC. So any friend coming up is not just a casual few minutes away from their home. It would be hours which is the reason even more so we aren’t entirely comfortable with it. And is also why it would not just be a couple of days we are talking about

Agree this is also my DSC home and that’s never been questioned and she is welcome to stay as much as possible. My point surrounding being a first time parent myself is, is that this is a completely new experience to me. Extremely exciting, but I have 0 idea how easy/hard it could be. Adding a +1 into that equation at a vulnerable time for me in particular and is not someone we are familiar with, doesn’t seem like the right timing

No OP you aren’t being unreasonable. With a new baby it’s fine to say no to guests this summer. Maybe she can have a friend to stay for a couple of nights in October half term instead

I think that’s a bit different then.

teenagers staying in their second home but still able to access mates, get the bus to usual town etc is VERY different to being sent 200 miles away.
how long are they there for? I assume DH has time off work? What do you expect them to do all day? Bringing a friend seems more likely in this scenario, bit like taking one on holiday, I can see why teenager has asked.

I would actually think it’s a good idea for the teen to have a friend to stay. I would think that means she has company and they can be left to their own devices to occupy themselves.

with a new baby are you going to find the energy to entertain a teen? I’m assuming if you are 200 miles away they are unlikely to have friends locally to hang out with and will get bored quickly otherwise.

you are likely to be busy with the baby, what are you expecting them to do all day?

I’d say no too. Life can be really challenging with a newborn you don’t want guests. Possibly can your DH take her on holiday in the summer and they could go collect a friend. Not abroad thinking more a few days in an Airbnb near a theme park. It might be a good way to break up the holidays.

Agree having an extra teen friend stay is a lot when just given birth

equally as 200m away from usual friends what will sd do for the time with you ?

Having a friend will amuse her and help her /you

how long does she stay ? The whole 6w or can friend come for a week

i can’t imagine friends parents doesn’t want their teen away whole holiday

It’s hard because there are a few unknowns. You don’t know when exactly your baby will come or how settled they will be. If your baby is due early July and comes late June, then say 4 nights end of August/beginning September if that is the last week of the holidays might be fine. Might be easier to have your DSC kept busy with her friend. But if baby comes late and that is early August and your DSC is in an area where schools go back in August it’s different. I’d try to accommodate it if you can.
Personally, if it was your DH who moved away from where his daughter lived I think the onus is on him (and you because you’re his partner) to be a little more accommodating if you can. Would you have liked to spend so long away from your friends as a teenager?
His relationship with both his children really matters at these crucial points. Maybe he could take her and a friend away for day trips or overnight during a stay? Hope she loves having a sibling and wishing you a safe delivery and good recovery and that you do enjoy the summer with your baby.

This. What is teen dd to do all holiday?

Practical concerns if you are bf you will need privacy but I think you can designate space for this, even if just your bedroom

You won't be 'establishing a routine ' that soon. Baby will feed around the clock. You just need dd and friend to be quiet when baby sleeps but you don't want to condition your child to sleep in absolute quiet if you can help it so a bit of noise is fine. Teenagers are generally on devices or have headphones so as long as they aren't blasting music should OK.

To be kind DD and friend should bring you glasses of water when you are bf. Or take baby so you can shower.

If the teen has a friend you will have to give lifts to the shopping centre or wherever. This will be hard with a baby but you are just going to have to do it. Dd will need to learn that there will be things that stop you leaving the house like a poonami or a baby that won't stop feeding. So don't go booking expensive activity tickers that rely on you giving a lift. Do your best to get on with life it's actually not that hard but always seems hard when it's your first. Your dh should be fine. Lean on him.

I personally think that it might be both easier for you and more fun for them if the teen has company, especially as you will be looking after a new born.

Personally, I would arrange for the friend to come and stay towards the end of the school holidays. That way, you’re not saying no, so she will have something to look forward to. If she’s expected to stay for 6 weeks, when is she supposed to socialise with her friends?
Telling her she can’t have a friend staying because of the new baby is harsh. It’s not her fault you’re pregnant, she possibly only sees her DF infrequently because of the distance, so in this case I’d agree. Believe me, having a happy teen will be much more relaxing than having a resentful one!
Which parent moved 200 miles away?

Sorry I say teen I mean 13, so they are not able to go off and do their own thing as a few have expressed. It will require us to take around
My partner is intending to have 3 weeks of when baby if first born but then will have to go back to work.
Again as I said I would not usually mind this but home on my own it’s not ideal at all

Agree end of holidays sounds more realistic

I would say having the friend to stay for 2-3 nights in later august is perfectly reasonable, it’s her home, the cost of extra food for a short visit is negligible. Unless you are on a remote island, 200 miles isn’t far, 4-5 hours on the national express so hardly a major thing, my dc did that all the time to their dads

DSC does not get coach here, have to drive to and from which again isn’t an issue but adding in someone staying for a couple of days would mean at some point I am expected to drive back with a new born?

What is the 13 year old meant to do for 6 weeks of her dad is at work, you are a first time mum to a newborn and she's not allowed off on her own and not allowed to bring a friend? Sounds like an awful summer for her

My DH has not moved away - sorry responding where I can

It’s also not the full 6 weeks can I add it’s half of the holidays

Or her father could while your stay at home with your baby?

I feel sorry for her. Daddy is having a new baby and taking paternity leave, for half the holidays the other half she's stuck at his house with his partner and newborn not allowed out on her own (why?) and not allowed a friend to visit.
She isn't being considered here.

We also do not have any money for my DH to be going away as explained, we have paid to go away as a family earlier on in the year

@Babyinbloom291at 13 they absolutely should be able to go off on their own to do things, even if it sometimes requires a lift to facilitate.

How are you expecting them to occupy their time otherwise, when you will be busy with the baby/heavily pregnant?

They're old enough to do PGL. Perhaps the (at least) 3 birth parents involved (as the friend must have at least one parent) should cough up for a week of that, instead of dumping an extra teen on a family who don't know her?