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Original poster

Summer holiday plans am I being unreasonable

87 replies

Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 06:45

My DSC comes to stay with us in the 6 weeks holiday, which is no issue. I am pregnant and my due date is July which means we will have a new born baby in the house, it’s my first child so I already have worries as any new parent about what to expect and just general how tough things will be at the beginning while I learn the ropes.

My DSC (teenage) asked her dad if she could have a friend stay with us over the holidays, which would not usually be an issue. Later that day we find out actually it was her mother who said she’d be able to arrange that with her father, and shouldn’t be an issue.

My husband agrees that it’s an insane suggestion given that we will have a new born in the house, and have never met said friend. Also we are in no financial position at the moment to board an extra small adult. Just confirming we are not being unreasonable? There has been no prior conversation with him or us about the arrangement so we feel a bit blind sided. Also if my husband has to say no, it makes him look like the bad guy.

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Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 08:50

@POTC so you haven’t read at all what I said, mum said it shouldn’t be a problem to arrange it so she can come. No what most adults would say is, I’ll have to ask your dad as it’s his house…

OP posts:
lunar1 · 23/03/2025 08:50

Will her dad be back to work then when she stays?

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 08:51

@ScaryM0nster another good suggestion!

OP posts:
POTC · 23/03/2025 08:53

If mum had told her it wouldn't be a problem then teen wouldn't have asked, she'd have told you her friend was coming. She asked you so there wasn't an issue, you could say no.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/03/2025 08:54

I mean I can imagine my (reasonably sensible, reasonably streetwise) similar age DD and a friend getting into a right pickle of some kind and needing me to sort it.

Not something I would have wanted to do with a newborn.

I actually question the good sense of the parents of the extra teen tbh - I wouldn't want DD hundreds of miles away in a situation like this if I'd not even met the other mum.

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 08:54

@lunar1 at this moment in time unsure, if baby comes on time yes. If baby does not come on time, we will have to relook at what can be done

OP posts:
pengwing · 23/03/2025 08:56

So what are you expecting your SD to do for the 3 weeks whilst she is with you if she doesn’t have a friend to stay?

from your posts it sounds as if you won’t be up for visitors or facilitating lifts, she presumably doesn’t have friends in the local area. She is 13, what are you expecting her to do? I just can’t see that this fosters a good relationship.

I appreciate it’s your first baby and you want to bunker down at home in a newborn bubble but it’s your partners second child so I’m hoping he will step up and take her out and spend some time with her then.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/03/2025 08:56

I had a 16 year old family member visit this summer to help with childcare and she managed magnificently 200 miles from home with some issues that arose but there is a big difference between 13 and 16 and I know her parents very well.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/03/2025 08:57

Well surely that's the dad's responsibility - it's his contact time...

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 08:57

@pengwing all of my husbands family are here and local, cousins etc.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 23/03/2025 08:59

I can see both sides. Understand that you will have your hands full with new baby and don't want visitors but it's hard on the teen as well, if you live hours from mum, does she have any friends near you? It would be a very lonely summer if she's hours away from all her friends, and while it's not all on you as her step mum, her needs do still matter as well - I still had to take my older children to all sorts of things when having their younger siblings too.

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 09:02

@Eenameenadeeka i can complete understand your point of view as well! I understand that it could be lonely but all husbands family are here, also I completely understand your comment surrounding younger siblings. But in this case I'm a new mum, it comes with its own anxiety’s as it is, so at the moment the addition pressure to me doesn’t feel right

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Longsummerdays25 · 23/03/2025 09:04

Op your dh needs to organise his child’s holiday not you! This is not your job - or to organise lifts.

Dh is the parent here and he can sit down and make a plan with him. It should not involve having anyone to stay at all. You will not be in a position to host, and you will be tired best case.

SC should plan to spend time with extended family members, maybe a club or two, relax and read and enjoy some time with his father. There will be plenty of opportunities in the future for friends to stay when life has settled down. I would welcome sc and encourage a good bond between the baby as they are siblings now. I would want to use the time to bond as a family, include them fully and dh needs to make space of a few hours a day at least of 1 to 1 time with sc too. So they don’t feel left out. This could be a lovely time - book a photographer for family shots. Pre order all of their favourite foods via organised shopping deliveries and keep things simple.

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 09:08

@Longsummerdays25
we both agree and this is the approach we were planning on taking
I’m glad you mentioned about the bonding time as this was another thought I was having, +1 wouldn’t be the best option when trying to bond as a family ♥️

OP posts:
JustLookingThanks · 23/03/2025 09:27

Is your step child coming to stay over Easter? Or can they come? Could you offer to have them and friend then? It might show you're not just saying no to the friend coming but just July and August are going to not suitable. It might be too late to organise but you're showing willing!

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 09:32

@JustLookingThanks another good suggestion

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 23/03/2025 09:41

I would say no to the friend coming too. You say there is a lot of family around, so she can be entertained by them. Make it clear to everyone that you are not the childcare this summer. DH is going to need to organise things for his DD for when he is at work, and arrange for a plan B if you are in hospital with the baby for any length of time.
It all might be very straightforward, you could be home and fit within hours of giving birth, or you might have an emergency CS which could require weeks of recovery and affect your ability to drive or even walk. I was doing the school run on foot within a few days of DS3 being born, but not everyone is that fortunate.
DD might be a huge help with the baby, or she might not be interested.. both are normal. Make sure the local family are onside to help with DD and with a bit of luck it'll all be fine.

socks1107 · 23/03/2025 09:47

Yanbu at all

Hercisback1 · 23/03/2025 09:50

Yanbu about saying no to someone staying

Yabu to have no visitors for weeks after birth. That way madness lies.

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 09:58

@Hercisback1 sorry I'm not say no visitors I'm saying minimal might have worded it wrong

OP posts:
HuskyNew · 23/03/2025 10:00

Needlenardlenoo · 23/03/2025 08:57

Well surely that's the dad's responsibility - it's his contact time...

This. I don’t understand why he doesn’t have annual leave booked for when SC will be there.

It’s different from paternity leave, which could not coincide with the visit at all. The baby could arrive in May/June/anything could happen.

He only gets 3 weeks to see his first child… that should be fixed not left for you to deal with.

Chunkychips23 · 23/03/2025 10:02

You don’t know how birth will go. Likely everything will be fine, but if not, you’re trying to recover as FTM, getting to grips with everything whilst having a stranger in your home, that you will also be responsible for. Then there are the additional visitors coming over to see your baby. It’s a lot.

I have three stepchildren and had my first in 2023. I had a very rough high risk pregnancy and delivery, so recovery was very hard. The stepkids staying over was one thing, but friends too would have been a big no. Not only for me, but for DH too. They were all mid teens to adult anyway, so were able to entertain themselves when we were shattered and were quite content to cuddle their new sibling.

You matter here too. Your needs and wants are just as important. Postpartum can be a brutal time, so don’t feel forced to say yes if that’s not what you’re comfortable with.

Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 10:02

@HuskyNew unfortunately not all places of employment are the same, they are aware he is going to need time off in June. Therefore not being very flexible at the moment

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Original poster
Babyinbloom291 · 23/03/2025 10:06

@Chunkychips23 thank you for giving your perspective, it’s really helpful. As you mentioned so much is unknown - particularly recovery time. So as it stands it’s not a reasonable request, should it come to the time and it’s different then that’s a different thing.

OP posts:
CwmYoy · 23/03/2025 10:17

DH needs to have a word with the ex. She is an absolute CF to expect this to happen without the good manners to ask first.

Just say no and tell DSC her mother shouldn’t have even thought it a good idea when there’s a new baby.

I wonder at the motivation- is she usually this rude?