Who should get the bigger bedroom??

[Jjc23]

Good morning,

Husband has 2 sons (13 & 11) from previous relationship. We have 2 children together, son (3) & daughter (1).

We live in a 5 bedroom house with 2 biggish rooms, 2 small rooms and a box room. My step sons have the 2 small rooms to stop arguments. The second biggest bedroom is currently a spare bedroom as we had other plans for it before we had our daughter.

However, recently my eldest step son and said he wants the spare bedroom (the bigger room). But the plan my husband and I made when having our daughter was that our two children would share that room when our daughter was old enough to move out of ours.

My husband has now changed his mind and told his eldest son he can have that room without discussing it with me first. My husband said as he’s 13 he will need the room more than the younger two.

Am I being silly thinking our two children should have the bigger room over my 13 yr old step son??
Advice and opinions urgently needed!!

(the 13 year old spends equal time at our house and his mums house)

ps. Sorry for the long post.

Logic is the two children sharing should have a bigger room than a singular child.

What is the box room used for? Could it be turned into a gaming room or similar as a sort of teenage retreat away from the little ones?

Of course a child that lives there full time gets the bigger room.

What about the 11yr old...
if they had the same size rooms to stop arguments surely this still applies? Fast way to make one child feel favoured isn't it!

It's not fair to the 11 year old SS for his brother to get a bigger room, especially when they previously had similar sized rooms.

I'd tell him that he gets a small room to himself, same as his 11 year old brother. Why should he have better?

The preschoolers share the larger room for now. When they are older presumably the step children will have moved out/ be visiting less by virtue of being adults and the rooms will be reconfigured again according to the needs of the family.

Your DH should not have told DSS he could have the room without discussing it with you.

Two sharing get the biggest room. Your DH has to front up and say sorry son, I forgot I needed to talk this through with @Jjc23 first and you won’t be moving rooms.

I would advise against this- this puts the blame on OP when DH should cop to it himself.

DH should say 'sorry son, I didn't think it through. It's not fair on 11 DS for you to have the bigger room and it makes for sense for the children who are sharing to have more space.'

Leave OP out of it, it was DH's mistake.

Do the stepsons live with you full time?
I don't see how it is fair at all - the boys should have equal sized rooms and the two others should share when the time comes, and then as the boys age and 'move out' the oldest of the sharers will eventually get his room.
My stepsons shared a large bedroom, our son had a slightly smaller room, daughter had a slightly smaller (but still sizeable) room. We had the eldest stepson full time, and when his brother stayed they shared. No one complained.
You could say that of the big room is shared they can both have it and your own kids can have the two singles.

Might it be easier for them all to have their own room as you have enough space? I know it isn't what you had planned, but it doesn't seem that big a deal to change them. Of course he should have chatted with you first, but that's not a reason in itself for him not to have the room.

Oldest child can have the 'spare' room but has to move out for visitors. Put a fold up or roll away bed in his brother's room.

The oldest keeps this room until they are 18 or goes to uni, then the next oldest gets that room until they are 18 or at uni.

If he wants to have a room for longer than that he stays where he is.

Youngest gets the boxroom when she is old enough for her own room.

Oh and your husband gets to move all the furniture as he didn't consult you.

This is the point I tried to make.. our two children live here permanently. The eldest step son stays with us 4 days a week and the 11 yr old only on weekends.

My Husband has suggested the box room be used for our daughter as she is only 1. The 13yr old has the bigger room as he is a teenager and our 3yr old son has his old room.
(the 11yr old isn’t too bothered about moving rooms)
My husband has also said with our 2 children being so young they won’t get use out of the room and they could potentially have it when they are a bit older or the elder two have moved out or spend less time here.

Is my husband right??

Yes he is

By the time your SS is 18 and maybe off to university or not visiting so much, your daughter can have the room and he can go back to the smaller room. Until she is 5/6 she will be fine in the small room.

I think your husband is right. Your elder step son will be probably moving out within the next 5 or 6 years and you can review the rooms then. Would be different if they were only there for the occasional weekend but as they’re in the house 4 nights a week, the 13 year old will benefit much more than a 1 year old from a bigger room.

He shouldn’t be making decisions like this without you. And he’s wrong. Babies and small children need much more space, they have more stuff and are more likely to play on the floor.

I agree with those who have said that younger children need more space than older ones. What is the SS reason for wanting a bigger room? Is there a good argument for it? Does he have stuff he can't fit well in his current room?

It depends where you keep all the baby/pre schooler clutter. If you have all their toys and books in a living area then arguably they don't need as much space.

Teenagers need room for a bed and desk usually, they don't come with the paraphernalia that small children do.

No specific reason.
When asked if he could have that room his reason was because he wanted a more grown up room as he is a teenager.

The children that spend more time there should get the bigger bedroom.

No he isn't.

Who does he think he is making decisions about rooms without discussing it with you? Does he think that as a man he has the right to make decisions or that it's more his house than your house?

Or are his older children more important than his younger children?

I think the older step son will probably try and move in with you full time when he can so decide if you are happy with this, if not then insist he keep the smaller room and stick with the original plan. Is it likely he will go on to uni and independent living at 18?

We have separated the toys so they each have a toy box downstairs then the rest of their toys go in their room.

He used to live with us full time but has been spending 3 days a week at his mums for around 6 months.

Even if he lived with you full time, he does not need the biggest room. As others have pointed out, teens have less/smaller stuff than young children. And if he wants a more grown up room, his current room can be decorated.

I would also be livid at your DH for agreeing without discussing.

This. Totally unacceptable that he made that decision without consulting you, especially since he knows it wasn't what you agreed.

And I also agree about the space. There is a reality to living somewhere full time vs part time, and that reality is you have much more stuff. My 4 year old has a big room and it is absolutely full of stuff, 10 year old DSS has far less - his bedroom is like that at his mum's. And even if the part time element wasn't a consideration, smaller children have bigger, bulkier things than older children.

The bottom line is, though, it's appalling that he didn't feel the need to make such a big decision jointly.

When asked if he could have that room his reason was because he wanted a more grown up room as he is a teenager.

Can you make his current room more grown up instead?