Who should get the bigger bedroom??

[Jjc23]

Good morning,

Husband has 2 sons (13 & 11) from previous relationship. We have 2 children together, son (3) & daughter (1).

We live in a 5 bedroom house with 2 biggish rooms, 2 small rooms and a box room. My step sons have the 2 small rooms to stop arguments. The second biggest bedroom is currently a spare bedroom as we had other plans for it before we had our daughter.

However, recently my eldest step son and said he wants the spare bedroom (the bigger room). But the plan my husband and I made when having our daughter was that our two children would share that room when our daughter was old enough to move out of ours.

My husband has now changed his mind and told his eldest son he can have that room without discussing it with me first. My husband said as he’s 13 he will need the room more than the younger two.

Am I being silly thinking our two children should have the bigger room over my 13 yr old step son??
Advice and opinions urgently needed!!

(the 13 year old spends equal time at our house and his mums house)

ps. Sorry for the long post.

From around 3.5 DD wanted to spend more time playing in her room and having toys in there, more play date time spent in there. From 4 and a bit it became very much her primary play space (blessed day all the polly pockets and Lego moved up there!); I think 5/6 is a bit late to get the bigger room and bear in mind starting school is a big change – if possible having rooms and spaces settled before then rather than another change is the best plan.

Regardless of who’s right, your DH shouldn’t be making such big plans and promises without discussion!

I’d personally give the youngest the bigger rooms as they will play with more have more and do more than the elders and even the step children. I’m not putting my child in a small room for nobody that doesn’t live with us full time. I’d also give everyone their own room if possible as you won’t have visitors 24/7.

I think your husband is right. Teenagers spend a lot of time in their bedrooms. DD will be with you downstairs most of the time and a box room is perfectly fine to sleep in.

All the posters hung up on this not being the 13 year olds main home - it very much sounds like it is. If you have a child that splits time between parents, both homes are equally as important. In fact it sounds like dad's house is even more important in this case, as DS was living there full time until recently and spends 4/7 nights at his dad's.

Does 13yo's room have space for a bed, a desk and a cupboard? Because that's all he really needs as he won't be playing with toys so much. Why not offer him the chance to redecorate his room to make it feel more grown up? Choose the paint colours, choose some new bedding and curtains, maybe say where he'd like some shelves up. The little ones still need floor space for playing on and if they're there all the time then it's their only space. 13yo is lucky to have two bedrooms in different places.

Bigger room for sharing.
Smaller room is enough for a teenager
13 y.o. and 11 y.o. should have the same size rooms to stop arguing

DH was wrong and didn’t think it through. He should explain this blaming just himself.

With how our house is set up, the littles didn't really use their bedroom until they were 3. Assuming there isn't space for a desk in the small bedrooms, I'd probably be ok with it for a couple of years. BUT he shouldn't have agreed without talking to you, and DSC needs to understand it's just what works now and bedrooms will be reassessed. The alternative is a small bedroom and the boxroom made into a den.

If there's 5 of you and 5 bedrooms why are you planning for children to share?

i'd put the 2 older in the big room together the and give your 2 a smaller room each with box room being maybe a gaming room or study the older boys can use as well?

13 is that age where they start thinking 'It's not fair' about everything around them!

I would give him the bigger room and incorporate it to have a desk for homework (not gaming) and a space to be away from you her children as teenagers do like to retreat to their bedroom.

It will only be five years before he is 18 and off to University or work and as an adult will understand he now has to give up the room for his younger siblings.

I've just realised this is the step parenting board. Is it usually like this, sounds like some people dislike the idea of a "part time" step child taking equal priority to the full time children.

Children have different needs at different times. As the parent of teenagers, they need bedroom space more than toddlers. I'm assuming a 5 bed house has enough downstairs space to have toys downstairs (and most likely a playroom), why would toddlers go up to their bedroom to play?

OP I think your DP should have discussed this with you. But please think about it from the teenagers pov - they are already sharing space with two much younger DC, don't have a firm base, probably a strained relationship with their mum (given they weren't staying with her until recently). Is it that big a deal that they get a bigger room while your DS and DD have smaller rooms, given your DC have the security of living at home with both parents?

Teenagers can be difficult, you may be glad he has a room he wants to escape to, in short enough time.

It's not that people have an issue with them taking equal priority - that is a purely emotive response - it's that for a variety of reasons, they need it less.

One reason is that with their stuff split across two households, they will have probably have less in each one, and more space available to them overall to store things if they're running out of space.

Another is that, if they have a large room at their other house, and the younger child is in a tiny box room that isn't really suitable for their needs in their one and only home, it just doesn't really feel like the fairest way of doing things for the SC to get the biggest room in that house too, to then stand empty for half or more of the time. That way, they are getting a large room 100% of the time, and the younger child none of the time. At least this way, everyone gets a big room at least half of the time (and as mentioned before, everyone has enough space to store their things).

When I was a teenager I had a tiny bedroom. It had a bed, a desk with under desk space, some shelves with books and DVDs on it, a wardrobe for my clothes and a high up cupboard above the wardrobe for random storage. That was all I needed. I didn't play, I just sat on my bed. Meanwhile, my 4 year old's room is full of all sorts of toys, board games, puzzles etc. They genuinely take up far more space than the things I had as a teenager. Plus she uses the floor space to play. Unless the young kids things are kept downstairs, I genuinely do not think it is the case that teenagers need the space more.

If you're going to have two children sharing, they should obviously be in the biggest room. I'd tell him that that room is for sharing when DD moves out of your room, so he can either share the biggest room with his brother, or stay in his current room.

Giving him the biggest room will cause arguments with the 11 year old as well.

Teenagers spend more time in their room but have less stuff ime. Young children have loads of big items. Do you have a playroom? That’s before you even consider the there full or part time.
The fact you refer to a box room makes me think the smaller rooms aren’t just a box so plenty big enough for dss. I wouldn’t put baby in the box room. If you want the 2 little ones sharing then they definitely get the bigger room. Otherwise the 2 dss could share the bigger room and your 2 get the middle rooms.
If dss just wants a more grown up room then make his room more grown up, that’s not the same as bigger.

Teenagers spend more time in their room but have less stuff ime.

Absolutely. All my teens would need is a bed and their phone and a good amount of floor space to store their clothes. 😀They don't have "stuff".

If you have 5 bedrooms how much space do you have downstairs? What is your box room used for? Is your eldest stepson wanting mates round? I assume he wants to be away from a toddler and baby? Can the box room be set up as a teenage den?

Teens tend to spend a lot of time in their rooms. Do you have a spot for the older kids to hang out with friends outside of their rooms?

Toddlers and preschoolers spend very little time alone in their rooms. Hey usually play in play rooms and common spaces where the adults are.

I would put the older kid on the bigger room and each kid gets it as they age if they want.

Teens may not have toys but their rooms often become their living space as well unless there is a dedicated lounge where they can spend time with friends away from toddler siblings.

Rooms also depend on the layout of the house. Are all the bedrooms on the same floor? All together?

The best solution is yours: older 2 in their own smaller rooms, little ones sharing.

Oldest dc can redecorate a bit if his room is insufficiently mature. :)

I'd hand over the box room to the teens for gaming, if they want.

Your dh needs to apologise for agreeing this swap without consulting you. And what happens in 2 years when the now-11 year old decides that he wants the bigger room?

I would give the little ones the big room.
I have teen/young adult kids and they are unlikely to move out for a while. The uni student needs somewhere to return to in the holidays and young adults sometimes pick apprenticeships or aren't ready to move out until mid 20s or later for financial reasons.
Will your h really tell his son to move to the box room in a couple of years ? Isn't it easier to redecorate the box room rather than put a time limit on him using the big room? Your kids are there 100% of the time so should be prioritised.

What would happen if younger dss decided at a later date that he'd like a bigger room too? Best to treat the boys equally rather than hope that the younger one doesn't change his mind.

The eldest gets the biggest room step son or not. You have 5 bedrooms so enough for all of you. Youngest gets box room.
Your step sons will soon enough visit less. Oldest probably has 3 more years before he stops wanting to visit as much due to friends and social life.
If your child must have the biggest room then to avoid conflict can you and your husband not have one of the smaller rooms or will it not fit a double bed?

Yes your husbands bang on right.

The eldest sons needs are always a priority. They share a room at their mums house so we made sure they have their own rooms at ours.
Agreed, teenagers do need their own space especially with two young siblings in the house. This is why I wanted some advice.. I do feel like my judgement has been clouded by anger through my husband making the decision without consulting me.

I don't agree that fact that he didn't approach you first! If they aren't there full-time then I would go said no, they'd be moving out in the next few years anyway and you'd daughters will need more space to play

But I do understand both sides

The stepson was living there full-time though until recently