Who should get the bigger bedroom??

[Jjc23]

Good morning,

Husband has 2 sons (13 & 11) from previous relationship. We have 2 children together, son (3) & daughter (1).

We live in a 5 bedroom house with 2 biggish rooms, 2 small rooms and a box room. My step sons have the 2 small rooms to stop arguments. The second biggest bedroom is currently a spare bedroom as we had other plans for it before we had our daughter.

However, recently my eldest step son and said he wants the spare bedroom (the bigger room). But the plan my husband and I made when having our daughter was that our two children would share that room when our daughter was old enough to move out of ours.

My husband has now changed his mind and told his eldest son he can have that room without discussing it with me first. My husband said as he’s 13 he will need the room more than the younger two.

Am I being silly thinking our two children should have the bigger room over my 13 yr old step son??
Advice and opinions urgently needed!!

(the 13 year old spends equal time at our house and his mums house)

ps. Sorry for the long post.

My eldest gets the biggest room, her younger siblings know that getting that room will only be an option once she moves out. Just because they're half siblings doesn't mean they should be treated differently.

i thought it may bring the younger two comfort if they were sharing. If they did share, it would free the box room for the eldest two.
I.e. a gaming room or a cosy social space with a TV.

I think if you do have yours share so the box room can be a games room, it can only be temporary. Your DC are mixed sex, so can only realistically share for about another 7 years.

op what did you all decide?
for what it's worth i'd say the two kids that live full time should have the biggest room. or share the biggest room. the two dsc should stay in the rooms they are in. maybe change decor too if he feels he wants a more
grown up room. but no, it was unfair of your dh to say he can have it, and only he should then tell son that it won't be happening.

I think if the 13 year old has it he should have to share with his brother. He has 2 rooms (1 at mums and one at dads) no need for it.
your children are also at an age where they will start at accumulate so much stuff!! If anything they should have their own rooms, it’s their only house and they are different genders which will make a difference when they’re older.

I don't think it's to do with age who gets what but to do with need.

My ds has the smallest room. He used to have the biggest but he doesn't have toys/hobbies/stuff like dd. He has his bed, built in wardrobes, desk for pc and xbox and drawers.

Dd has the biggest room because she has stuff. Bookshelves of books, a bass and a guitar and amp, bigger wardrobe (not built in) as she buys and makes more clothes. She spends her money on physical stuff, ds spends his on bloody Fifa or outdoor stuff that belongs in the shed.

When he was younger he had larger toys and more stuff. He then had the bigger room.

I wouldn't give the eldest the biggest room unless he had more stuff and bigger items (doubtful) than the two youngest.

Also if it causes arguments fuck that, the boys get the same end of. Tell your dh he's being a dick and don't agree to it.

The bigger room should also double as the guest room. Whoever is in it needs to shift out if guests stay.

I'd let him have it, but tell him he doesn't get exclusive use of it. He has to move out for guests and may have to accept some of his younger siblings' belongings being stored there.

So he can choose... smaller room but exclusively his, bigger room but multipurpose space.

I'd probably do it the way he suggests.
A 1 year old doesn't need a big bedroom and sharing a room is tough when they are little and keep each other awake.
I'd assume it's a temporary solution - when he's 16 he may come less often for example, or be in less and out more, so a smaller room is fine again

Is a 1yr old and 3 Yr old sharing the best option? How long will they be able and want to share for?

I don't think you should prioritise based on someone living their part time or not. It's just as much their home as your DCs and they end up being an outsider and part-timer in both homes.

However if the little ones genuinely need the space, and sharing is best for your family then they should get the room. If not then I think the stepds should get the room

I would give all the children their own bedroom. It would help with sleep if the little ones wake up it won’t wake the other etc. i also hated sharing with my sister. I don’t think eldest needs the biggest room it’s a load of nonsense all they need is a bed a tv space to store their clothes and that’s that cause not many pre teens have train tracks or dolls houses etc to play with and no a 1 year old shouldn’t need to play in their room but it may be a nice space for you all to play with them in.

I would rather have the little ones in separate rooms. I wouldn't be rushing to have them in together, I have a 3 and 1 year old who are nowhere near ready to share. I think it's fine for the older SS having the bigger room, but I would probably also use it for additional storage/a guest room for when people stay. My DSS had the smallest room which was exclusively his, until DC2 was born. He now has the second biggest room but it's also our spare /storage room which he is fine with.

I'd put everyone in their own room op regardless of who has what size (but agree it makes most sense to put baby in box room). Could baby share a big wardrobe with your ds in the biggest room (leaving everyone where they are I guess?)

If a baby is waking the 3 year old you'll be left settling 2 not 1. Most baby's learn quickly and settle fine without sharing. What's happening with your ds now, presume he's alone?

Where was DSS room when he lived with you?

I think you DH is right. I'd avoid the younger two sharing.

The eldest sons needs are always a priority

I suggest you start making your youngest children's needs just as equally your priority, otherwise you are going to end up with some messed up kids who have grown up in a weird dynamic. You need to put your foot down. You stick to what you have agreed to. He is going to have to tell his eldest no. Do you ever say no to the eldest children?

If they did share, it would free the box room for the eldest two.

Fucking hell I'd not even read this. Jesus Christ. Give them all their own rooms and try to ensure your dd doesn't get the box room 🙄 Stick up for your youngest two ffs.

I think whatever you do now you need to think carefully about the future and make the situation very clear. You can't bank on the eldest leaving at 18 so if you do go with letting him have the bigger room now it needs to be very clear that it is not a permanent situation. Equally if you put the two little one's in together and give the box room to the elder two as a den/games room taking it away from them again in a few years is likely to be very problematic. They won't appreciate having it for a few years and then having it taken away when you want or need to separate the youngest DC's.

My two children are of course my top priority which is how this disagreement came about in the first place.
And saying my children could potentially be messed up from growing up in a ‘weird dynamic’ is harsh! All of our children are loved and not treated differently.
The eldest two have been told no on many occasions! However, them being from a broken home means making sure favouritism isn’t shown.

I think the reason people feel like you aren't prioritising your own kids is that it seems odd to make them share whilst giving the SC a room each and a games room to share.

Your husband is right and the eldest should get the biggest room. He has real feelings about which room he is given, your younger children don’t care. When the younger ones are older, they will be able to have bigger rooms.

Hmm there ais a good argument to both sides really. Your husband is right to point out that a 1 and 3 year old are mostly downstairs playing while a teenager is in their room but then they will be sharing so need a bigger room.

As a compromise to the teenager I would get your DH to talk to him and explain his younger siblings will be sharing and need a bigger room but that he can choose some new furniture and redecorate his current room to make it more grown up. Is it perhaps a double bed he wants? Can that fit in his current room?

Your mad to get them ready share rooms. When you have a spare each kid gets their own of anyone comes to stay the one with the big room has to go on an airbed in a siblings room

So yes the eldest gets the spare room

He has real feelings about which room he is given

But I imagine the 11 year old does as well. This is just going to cause arguments between the two boys in a way it wouldn't if the younger two shared the room.

Just say to the kids-the biggest room is for sharing-so DSS’s can share, or the little ones can share. No one child gets a big room to themselves whilst another is forced into the box room. DSS-would you like to share or would up like us to redecorate your current rooms/upgrade beds etc. it may be that this is around size of bed.

Make the box room into a teenage den with a sofa bed for visitors.

I think your DH is correct. I expect you’re prioritising your own children, but I think the oldest gets the room for a few years

I agree with the PP who suggested offer the SS a bit of an update of his current room, redecoration etc.

I think its up to you whether the baby and toddler share, or baby has box room I can see pros and cons.

And in a few years rethink when everyone is a bit older, the eldest SS has moved out etc.