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Original poster

I don't need to know the details- AIBU?

94 replies

panko · 11/12/2022 17:16

We have DC and DH has 2 kids from previous marriage. He keeps filling my brain with all details re pick up and drop off and plans for holidays which have ZERO impact on me and DC. Such as he has to take DSC 1 to this practice or other during the holidays. Or drop of is at ex partners house this week not ex's. Or DSC's school had a bad ofstead. I don't have the bandwidth for this information and it's hard to filter out what is actually relevant. So I'll ask..and does this affect me or DC and he gets all huffy!

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PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/12/2022 17:18

I have all sorts of conversations with my DH that either don’t affect him or don’t affect me. Do you really only speak to each other on a need to know basis?

FallingsHowIFeel · 11/12/2022 17:19

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/12/2022 17:18

I have all sorts of conversations with my DH that either don’t affect him or don’t affect me. Do you really only speak to each other on a need to know basis?

This.

Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:21

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/12/2022 17:18

I have all sorts of conversations with my DH that either don’t affect him or don’t affect me. Do you really only speak to each other on a need to know basis?

Yes i have conversations but I don't get why I need all the minute details. Where he's going to stop off to get breakfast with them. Not when he can't even be arsed to deal with the dishwasher.

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HippeePrincess · 11/12/2022 17:22

You sound really resentful of your dsc, we discuss all sorts between us and I discuss things to do with my kids (not DP’s)with him because sharing it shares the load, or I might value his opinion.

MelchiorsMistress · 11/12/2022 17:23

So basically you’re telling him you have no interest in the most important thing in the world to him and would prefer it if he didn’t talk to you about things he cares about.

That doesn’t sound like a good thing in a relationship.

Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:24

HippeePrincess · 11/12/2022 17:22

You sound really resentful of your dsc, we discuss all sorts between us and I discuss things to do with my kids (not DP’s)with him because sharing it shares the load, or I might value his opinion.

I do not have the bandwidth to "share the load" he shares the load with their mother.

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Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:25

MelchiorsMistress · 11/12/2022 17:23

So basically you’re telling him you have no interest in the most important thing in the world to him and would prefer it if he didn’t talk to you about things he cares about.

That doesn’t sound like a good thing in a relationship.

He's not though he's talking about his arrangements with the ex for picking them up and clubs etc. All the logistics. None of it is relevant. Its never DSC did really well in this school project or whatever.

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surreygirl1987 · 11/12/2022 17:26

I think you're being ridiculous...

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/12/2022 17:28

I think you’re being ridiculous too. You can try the “I’m only prepared to talk about things directly relevant to me” but I don’t think it will get you far.

FWIW, where they are stopping for breakfast isn’t logistics, it’s conversation.

Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:28

surreygirl1987 · 11/12/2022 17:26

I think you're being ridiculous...

I'll take that as a yes unreasonable.

Thanks I'll try to listen to the mundane disagreements re pick up and drop off times and places.

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Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:28

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/12/2022 17:28

I think you’re being ridiculous too. You can try the “I’m only prepared to talk about things directly relevant to me” but I don’t think it will get you far.

FWIW, where they are stopping for breakfast isn’t logistics, it’s conversation.

Nope. It's literally if I take this motorway I can stop here for breakfast.

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PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/12/2022 17:29

Yup, that’s still conversation…

RenoDakota · 11/12/2022 17:30

He wants you to be interested in his children and you clearly aren't.

Dacadactyl · 11/12/2022 17:32

I mean, not wanting to listen to my husband witter on about what he's doing with his other children is exactly why I didn't get into a relationship with a man who already has kids.

I have no idea how you can think like this. Surely you knew what you were getting involved with and that when you have step children you're going to have to hear things about them and their lives?

Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:33

RenoDakota · 11/12/2022 17:30

He wants you to be interested in his children and you clearly aren't.

I am interested in his children. I ask them all the time about school. I know more about their friends than he does. I'm not interested in petty disagreements about pick up with his ex.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2022 17:33

I don’t think you can ask him to stop telling you these things, he’s allowed to think aloud or share his frustrations. You don’t have to engage or encourage it, you can fall back on a selection of “oh dear”, “hmm”, “I’m sure you’ll sort it”.

Him not dealing with the dishwasher is a different issue, I wouldn’t conflate the two.

Do you feel communication is a one-way street and he gets to pepper you with loads of trivia and you don’t get to air your own views, issues, needs?

Crabbi · 11/12/2022 17:33

But you don’t have to remember anything, he’s not asking you to do anything. Just listen politely. My husband tells me in detail what he had for lunch each day, I don’t really care, so just listen - and he’s only talking about food, not about one of the most important people in his life (although food probably is on a par for him).

Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:34

Dacadactyl · 11/12/2022 17:32

I mean, not wanting to listen to my husband witter on about what he's doing with his other children is exactly why I didn't get into a relationship with a man who already has kids.

I have no idea how you can think like this. Surely you knew what you were getting involved with and that when you have step children you're going to have to hear things about them and their lives?

Yes but this isn't the step children's lives it's his life as a divorced parent. He knew what he was getting into when she left him and moved away. None of that is my concern so he can stop moaning about her

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Itsthewhitehat · 11/12/2022 17:37

He is generally chit chatting about his plans and things that are important to him. its general conversation.

He is not expecting you to do anything. How do you ‘not have bandwidth’ for general conversation that requires nothing but a bit of ‘oh ofstead was bad that’s a shame’ or ‘ok yeah stopping off for breakfast sounds a good idea’ or even just ‘Ok’ or ‘yeh ok’.

If you don’t have bandwidth for any conversation that’s not directly relevant to you, the marriage isn’t going so well.

Dps work, hobby etc isn’t relevant to me. My work, hobby’s etc isn’t relevant to him. We still engage in general conversation about these things.

SnowyGiveAway · 11/12/2022 17:37

You're being unreasonable. And resentful. I can imagine things are tense and not great in your household, if you're no longer willing to listen to the basic 'filler' that makes up so much of conversation in a household. If he's not asking you to do anything, how is it taking your bandwidth (I assume that means energy)?

Original poster
panko · 11/12/2022 17:40

@AnneLovesGilbert Yea nail on the head. I just get on with it.

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Itsthewhitehat · 11/12/2022 17:41

panko · 11/12/2022 17:34

Yes but this isn't the step children's lives it's his life as a divorced parent. He knew what he was getting into when she left him and moved away. None of that is my concern so he can stop moaning about her

Show quote history

Really?You knew what you were getting into as well. Marrying and having kids with a man who has kids with someone else. That someone else who will have an impact on him. Things that impact us are general mentioned in relationships.

You knew you were getting with a man whose life would be continued to be impacted by his ex. That works both ways?

I can’t believe this is real tbh. You sound like you can’t stand him or anything to do with him.

babyfrenchie · 11/12/2022 17:41

Are you a robot?

shinynewapple22 · 11/12/2022 17:45

I don't understand your attitude really. These are his children - as much his children as the ones he shares with you . They are hugely important to him. Would you want to be with a man who didn't rate the things he does with his children as being important ?

And if he has plans where he's not around for you, don't you need to know this ?

The things that you feel you don't need to know - everybody's lives are full of these aren't they ? Eg I missed the bus this morning and was late for work - has no impact on my DH but it's part of every day conversation. Most conversations are about mundane stuff that doesn't really affect another person but in a relationship it's normal to share that stuff with our partner (or also in a friendship really).

Justcallmebebes · 11/12/2022 17:46

Your husband has a life and children that pre-date you and your children. You can't airbrush them out and neither should they be airbrushed out. Sounds like normal conversation to me