I don't need to know the details- AIBU?

[panko]

We have DC and DH has 2 kids from previous marriage. He keeps filling my brain with all details re pick up and drop off and plans for holidays which have ZERO impact on me and DC. Such as he has to take DSC 1 to this practice or other during the holidays. Or drop of is at ex partners house this week not ex's. Or DSC's school had a bad ofstead. I don't have the bandwidth for this information and it's hard to filter out what is actually relevant. So I'll ask..and does this affect me or DC and he gets all huffy!

We both do. I think that's why he spews it all out to me.

Oh yes! Sometimes he doesn't even mention things like it's Saturday this weekend not Friday but will go on about where he's having to pick them up from instead!

He’s just filling you in on where and when he’ll be at certain times that you wouldn’t normally expect. When my dh’s children were young he would most definitely tell me if he was picking them up from a different place, at a different time or going a different route so I would know where he was and why a pick up may be taking longer than I would’ve expected. Gees dsc are grown and have kids of their own now and I have conversations with them and own dc about where they are going and what they are doing. They live in different towns and cities 100 miles plus away from us and it has absolutely no bearing on my day to day. It’s called taking an interest in their lives!

Why on earth is he staying with you? I feel sorry for him and your step kids, You come across as cold and heartless. His kids are important to him and he just wants a chat ffs. What do you do when your mates or colleagues talk about their kids in detail? Do you just walkaway or tell them to shut up as well?

And it doesn't work the other way, IME: he complains when I don't take it what he says when he just goes on and on (and on and on) but when he doesn't remember things I've said, he says he is too busy and has too much on his mind ...🤷‍♀️

Yes! Are you me?!

My mates and colleagues don't give me details of their many conversations and disagreements over where to pick up their kids and when.

Glad some people are getting where I'm coming from at least. Feel slightly less alone.

YABU

Do you never talk to him about your day or something that’s going on with your family or friendship group?

I am not the best at paying attention to things that don’t affect me but I still make it look like I’m paying attention.

I think it’s really sad that you can’t talk things through with each other unless it directly affects you.

Tbh it comes across as you’re a bit jealous of the SDC or ex but I don’t know why you would be.

Regrettably, I think there are many of us ...

Ha! I feel heard. Thank you.

Sorry to be blunt, but if you were my partner I'd find this really uncaring! Basically what @MelchiorsMistress said

I get it. My husband sort of 'narrates' his thoughts to me. It can be really annoying and I do miss relevant details because I zone out. For example, I'll be concentrating on work and he'll run off his thoughts like: "I'm hungry, I'm going to eat something, I'll have a look in the cupboard, hmm, not sure what I want, I could have this. Maybe I'll have that. I might make toast, or I could have soup. Etc etc etc" I can't stand it.

It’s just conversation if every day life, don’t you tell him loads of random irrelevant information, dp knows all the ins and outs of my team at work, what my friends said to this one, where my boss is going on holiday, the problems my sister had with her car. And a constant barrage about my kids. Any old crap. He doesn’t care, but he makes the right noises. In the same vein he insists on giving me a complete rundown of every single exercise he did at boot camp and how he felt. This has to happen the moment he gets into his car even if I am seeing him 5 minutes later. Couldn’t be less interested if I tried but I make the right noises,

My DP can waffle on about what so and so in his work done at the weekend...what he had for lunch....where his sister is going on holiday....what the football score was etc etc

None of that impacts me.

I probably share too much about my day...what book I'm reading....what my mums neighbour told me...the colour of the most perfect dress I saw at the shops etc etc

None of that impacts him.

We like to chat and share information about our days. If we kept it strictly to need to know information that directly impacts the other our conversations would be very formal and clinical

Do you actually like him?

This thread is a great example of how and OPs phrasing impacts comments on a thread.
There's many threads where advice along the lines of "he needs to protect you from all this conflict and nonsense, you have your own kids to worry about" and "they aren't your kids so he shouldn't be bending your ear about this stuff" or "tell him he needs to take her to court and sort it once and for all because you don't want to spend your life listening to him ranting about the same old crap" has been dished out quite liberally.
You don't sound cold, uncaring or heartless at all, OP. Just a bit worn out having your ear chewed about something you didn't cause and have no control over. Some posters are absolutely determined only to read your posts which suit their agenda.

I agree with some posters here. It’s not just the content but the expectation that you share their mental load without any thought for your own. My DH doesn’t bother about the details of my life but I’m expected to be well versed in his, digest it, comment, remember it.

I agree with this, and I feel a lot of posters are glossing over the fact that he isn't pulling his weight by the sound of it.

You sound burnt out and like being with him is draining.

You are being ridiculous. I'm a sm and I'll hold my hands up and say that I dislike my sc 80% of the time. They're honestly the rudest and most entitled children I've ever met. However I understand that they're my dh's dc and they mean the world to him and tbh if I told my dh to stop mentioning them to me I think it would be the beginning of the end. I blather on about my ds12 to dh all the time and if he told me to stop I'd be heartbroken as to me that would mean that my ds means nothing to him.

He sounds stressed. I have sympathy. Logistics stress me out too and talking it through helps me to work out what I'm doing, which route I'm taking and when I need to leave etc.

All behaviour is communicating a need. He needs to do this. Clearly you need something different. Perhaps if you understood the need he has then it would help you to reframe it as less about the ex and more about his need for support (or whatever). You can also tell him what you need and communicate about how you both prefer to communicate and attempt a compromise.

She isn't complaining about him talking about his children e.g. about how they are doing at school, what they like at school, potential health issues, - she is complaining about him telling her the minutiae of him collecting the children e.g. what motorway service station they will stop at, how long they will stop at that service station.

If they’re rude and entitled, that’s at least partly your husbands fault. Can he not raise children properly?

How is being tired of hearing minute details about them worse than actively disliking them?

Talking about the children and logistics over Christmas is a very normal family conversation. A family you chose to become a part of

Yes I agree. This is a bit rich.