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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex moved SD out of town without telling DP

78 replies

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 10:14

But of backstory

Custody split 45/55, ex having the 55%. The school week is split evenly between both parents, the ex has more weekend time. DP has been trying to ask for more weekend time for over 2 years now, and it’s starting to get nasty. We (DP and I) live a 5 minute walk from SD school.

As Sd gets older (7 nearly 8), it’s becoming more obvious that she needs more quality leisure time with her dad. I actively encourage this. It’s just very difficult with the routine we have to make this happen as we have her on school day’s predominately.
He has asked his ex if they could keep their current weekday arrangement, so he has every Monday and Tuesday and drops off on weds at school, and she has every Wednesday and Thursday and drops Friday at school. He then asked if they could alternate weekends from Friday after school to Monday morning. The reason he wants to keep the weekdays as they are is because changing them will mean more breakfast and after school club when with DM due to her work hours, which SD already doesn’t enjoy.

This is no exaggeration, the resistance we’ve had from the ex has been quite shocking. She doesn’t want to have SD on the Sunday nights as that is when she has time with her boyfriend (said 3 weeks ago when she wasn’t living with him), and she likes to take SD to her friends (ex’s friend) for sleepovers and won’t accept that being able to do that eow is enough. These sleepovers were part of the original problem as when DP got sd on Sunday’s, she was absolutely knackered. That’s another story.

3 weeks ago, she also hinted that she didn’t know what she was doing about living arrangements which came as a surprise as she only moved house in August last year.

DP text her a couple of days later to query what she meant and she reassured him that she wasn’t going to move any time soon. Part of him didn’t believe her, but left it at that. The following week she admitted that she might move in with her boyfriend (who lives 20 miles away), but didn’t know when but reassured DP that she would keep SD in the same school. He has asked her a couple of times since “any news on the move” to which she’s replied “she doesn’t know”

Anyway, DP has continued to negotiate a change in routine, and the ex is becoming more and more difficult, despite admitting that it would make more sense when she’s moved, but refuses to commit to anything or even talk about it now. She’s becoming quite hostile.
DP is due to pick SD up on Sunday at 5 and the agreement is from ex house. Yesterday she demanded DP pick SD up from her boyfriends house 20 miles away, to which DP said he couldn’t due to plans, but can meet her somewhere instead. Ex kicked off saying our agreement is you pick up from where we live and we live here now. Naturally, DP reminded her that he has not been told a date when moving etc, and feels totally lied to.

I think this will end up going down the legal route, but where does he stand with this?. If he doesn’t drive the 40 mile round trip to get SD on Sunday, is it him who will loom bad?

We genuinely do have plans and ex lived 5 mins up the road before

OP posts:

sendhelpppppp · 21/02/2020 10:19

i would pick her up this time if you can, and then i would take it to court. I believe the person who moves away is liable to do the pick ups / drop offs usually but as she is a woman you will probably get told otherwise by MNers!

I would go to court to change arrangements anyway as it sounds like she is being selfish with her time and ignoring what is best for SD.

Clangus00 · 21/02/2020 10:25

As @send says, pick her up and take it back to court ASAP.

Clangus00 · 21/02/2020 10:25

Pressed send too soon.....before mum moves her school.

stellabelle · 21/02/2020 10:29

Personally I'd adjust the plans and pick her up. The move has happened and he'll have to adjust to that , despite feeling that he's been lied to. The important thing is that his DD doesn't feel like she is a bother. The new house is only half an hour's drive away - you might have to get used to that .

thethoughtfox · 21/02/2020 10:31

Get legal advice. My friend moved towns and was advised by a lawyer that as she moved, she would need to do the travelling. However, I have seen others on here who have gone to court and it was decided the other way.

Rootd · 21/02/2020 10:32

His only option is to go back to court and get a schedule firmly in place including who drives when but if he goes that route any flexibility will go out the window. In this case it's in everyone's interest to just sort it out no matter how infuriating.

Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 10:38

Go to court. Get a court order that is realistic. Even it that seems to mean less time with dsd. I moved 30 miles away due to needing new rental and slim pickings local. In keeping with the original order i was travelling back and forwards = 500 miles a week... With sleepy pre /post school crabby dc. No quality time whatsoever.. Reshuffled in court for a much better solution...

WhoWants2Know · 21/02/2020 10:45

I think yes, he needs to pick up and think about going to court, but it's important that he talk to his daughter and find out what she wants to happen. As she gets older, her wishes will have more and more weight in custody arrangements, so you might as well start by centering her now.

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 10:49

Thanks for your replies
We’ve just had another super nasty text from her and honestly we could both cry. I just don’t know why she thinks this kind of behaviour is ok. We haven’t changed things last minute, yet it’s all our fault?!

OP posts:

Clangus00 · 21/02/2020 11:01

Save all the texts.

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 11:03

We’ve saved everything from last couple of years. She twists absolutely everything
I just can’t get my head around all this. If DP says no to her, she accuses him of all sorts. It’s just not fair
Now she’s playing the victim card and accused him of bullying her. All he asked is can they talk with an independent mediator there? God, this is too much

OP posts:

tiredanddangerous · 21/02/2020 11:09

It doesn’t sound like this is a situation that can be resolved without going to court op. Can you alter your plans and pick up this time?

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 11:20

Update, she’s deleted texts from him in WhatsApp, ones where’s she said 3 weeks ago that she won’t be moving

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 12:06

One of us will pick up as don’t want SD to think we don’t want her. I just can’t believe all this.
She’s being incredibly unreasonable, refusing to talk to DP unless it’s in person. She’s blocked him from all other contact.
We fear it will have to go legal but naturally DP is terrified in case the judge is very pro mum regardless of all the evidence

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/02/2020 14:22

Have you got screenshots of the messages she deleted?

Sotiredofthislife · 21/02/2020 14:43

She’s allowed to move on with her life - as has her ex - and in the big scheme of things, 20 miles still makes shared care possible. You expect her to agree to your demands to changes to contact to fit with what you consider best but only come up with a suggestion of mediation when things haven’t gone your way.

It’s not right - the moving with no notice or discussion - but What exactly would your partner have said if she’d tried to discuss it sensibly?

I think court is your only option and I would do the picking up and dropping of as a show of good Will and ability to be reasonable. You need to think long game here....

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 14:55

So tired

Oh my days

We’ve come up with mediation as she offers nothing to the table. Despite saying what issues we are having with this arrangement, all she comes back with is what’s nest for her, never SD. She offers no compromise, no other ideas, refusing to even talk now. Exactly what would you do?

Yes she’s allowed to move on with her life, that’s never been a question (despite the sheer hell we have had the past 4 years because he moved on with his), but not telling him she’s moved and demanding a pick up elsewhere with 3 days notice is not on. As usual, we are always expected to sing to her tune, and after 4 years of it, it gets tiring

We are asking for shared care to include some more weekend time, as DP good for school runs and that’s about it at the mo

Lunar, thankfully I found a screenshot of the most important text where she said she had no intentions of moving

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 14:57

Why on here is it always the dads responsibility for pick ups, despite shared care and not being the one moving away? Baffles me

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/02/2020 15:00

Thank god you have the screen shot. I'd get it to court ASAP. She should be the one covering the cost and disruption of the choice to move. She sounds a bloody nightmare. I hope you get sorted quickly.

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 15:01

Thank you so much lunar. It’s nice to hear a bit of understanding.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/02/2020 15:02

I would also make sure your DH takes a very active role in choosing secondary school, because that might be a complete nightmare depending on which the official address is.

debbs77 · 21/02/2020 15:05

Also to add that education is a 50/50 decision so if she moved her school without his permission, a court order could have her immediately removed.

I'd try and get this all legally sorted asap.

Original poster

TwoDots · 21/02/2020 15:18

Thank you all

DP is going to see a mediator next week. I pray thus can be resolved soon

OP posts:

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 21/02/2020 15:20

Also to add that education is a 50/50 decision so if she moved her school without his permission, a court order could have her immediately removed.

I believe this is true too.

Please start the ball rolling on a court order. I thought the original new plan your DP suggested (splitting school week then having alternate weekends) sounded like a really sensible one if she's got a proper bedroom at both houses so less unsettled.

You both sound really nice and it's great you are genuinely putting his daughter first and not using her as a pawn or to punish the other one like ex seems to be.

Good luck I hope you can get it sorted and ex can grow up and learn to be civil for her DD's sake.

But yes this is absolutely a court order situation so everything including handovers is agreed.

BecauseReasons · 21/02/2020 15:28

I'm surprised she was able to delete messages from weeks ago- I thought there was a time-limit on when you can delete them.

You only have about an hour after you've sent a message to request to Delete for Everyone.

faq.whatsapp.com/en/android/26000068/

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