Ex moved SD out of town without telling DP

[TwoDots]

But of backstory

Custody split 45/55, ex having the 55%. The school week is split evenly between both parents, the ex has more weekend time. DP has been trying to ask for more weekend time for over 2 years now, and it’s starting to get nasty. We (DP and I) live a 5 minute walk from SD school.

As Sd gets older (7 nearly 8), it’s becoming more obvious that she needs more quality leisure time with her dad. I actively encourage this. It’s just very difficult with the routine we have to make this happen as we have her on school day’s predominately.
He has asked his ex if they could keep their current weekday arrangement, so he has every Monday and Tuesday and drops off on weds at school, and she has every Wednesday and Thursday and drops Friday at school. He then asked if they could alternate weekends from Friday after school to Monday morning. The reason he wants to keep the weekdays as they are is because changing them will mean more breakfast and after school club when with DM due to her work hours, which SD already doesn’t enjoy.

This is no exaggeration, the resistance we’ve had from the ex has been quite shocking. She doesn’t want to have SD on the Sunday nights as that is when she has time with her boyfriend (said 3 weeks ago when she wasn’t living with him), and she likes to take SD to her friends (ex’s friend) for sleepovers and won’t accept that being able to do that eow is enough. These sleepovers were part of the original problem as when DP got sd on Sunday’s, she was absolutely knackered. That’s another story.

3 weeks ago, she also hinted that she didn’t know what she was doing about living arrangements which came as a surprise as she only moved house in August last year.

DP text her a couple of days later to query what she meant and she reassured him that she wasn’t going to move any time soon. Part of him didn’t believe her, but left it at that. The following week she admitted that she might move in with her boyfriend (who lives 20 miles away), but didn’t know when but reassured DP that she would keep SD in the same school. He has asked her a couple of times since “any news on the move” to which she’s replied “she doesn’t know”

Anyway, DP has continued to negotiate a change in routine, and the ex is becoming more and more difficult, despite admitting that it would make more sense when she’s moved, but refuses to commit to anything or even talk about it now. She’s becoming quite hostile.
DP is due to pick SD up on Sunday at 5 and the agreement is from ex house. Yesterday she demanded DP pick SD up from her boyfriends house 20 miles away, to which DP said he couldn’t due to plans, but can meet her somewhere instead. Ex kicked off saying our agreement is you pick up from where we live and we live here now. Naturally, DP reminded her that he has not been told a date when moving etc, and feels totally lied to.

I think this will end up going down the legal route, but where does he stand with this?. If he doesn’t drive the 40 mile round trip to get SD on Sunday, is it him who will loom bad?

We genuinely do have plans and ex lived 5 mins up the road before

Sd has said she doesn’t see why she doesn’t have the same amount of time here than with her mum as that is fair. We dint talk to her lots about it as we are afraid her mum will think we are trying to persuade her

I would be pushing for full 50;50 handover on a Thursday perhaps after school.

I don't think mediation will get you anywhere from your previous threads. Frame every request that DSD deserves equal leisure time with Mum and Dad and to have less chopping and changing between homes. If Mum insists that she has more than 50% let her have more school holidays. I would offer her more time over Christmas/New Year and include something about birthdays and Mother's Day.

@RandomMess it’s funny, because the school holidays are the one time she’s happy to go 50/50 because that supports her with work. She will see it as unfair if she has to do more school holidays.
Very difficult to win with her
We are just so scared. We know what we are saying is right, but we are dealing with a selfish and manipulative person

Realistically what are the secondary school options? As it stands she will get to put the options down, how will that impact travel etc?

Ultimately if it's court ordered she can't mess you around anymore and whatever is decided at least you know and can plan around that. It wouldn't surprise me if she moves DDs school without your knowledge...

I think your DP should go to court and push for 50:50 with EOW focusing on the need for quality time with his DD. He can do mediation to show willing but it probably won't be the right solution. From what you have said, based on my personal experiences, there is a good chance he will get what he's looking for.

Regarding the move and who drives, I wouldn't put it at the top of my list of complaints but just use it to show she didn't communicate it and so doesn't co-parent cooperatively.

Courts aren't interested in he said, she said. They only care about what is best for the child. If his ex talks about what suits her it won't go down well.

He should make sure the CAO is detailed regarding holidays and includes something about being involved in selecting a secondary school.

If DD is only year 5 I would definitely be including that she isn't moved from her current primary school. I think the hassle of driving her to and from school every day will wear thin fast and I would be surprised if she isn't already looking at moving schools.

As others say, don't focus on the move or lack of notice as her counter argument is likely to be that she feels bullied and therefore afraid to communicate. 20 miles is not excessive and she does not have to give advance notice to you so don't make a big deal of having to change plans.

A court will assume both parties have valid issues so focus on what you think is the best outcome for SD.

Do think about secondary schools, as it's likely that she will be out of catchment for schools where you live. This may affect her friendship groups so worthy of consideration.

@RandomMess, sd is in year 3
This has all come as such a shock, we have no idea how secondary school will work. We are within walking distance of the one we always thought she would go to, but who knows what the ex’s ideas are.
Ex has blocked DP so very tricky to talk to her. It’s such a mess

I would get a prohibitive steps order so she can't be moved schools.

Seriously it's like her mum wants you for childcare and nothing else. If there is a new long term partner she is living with then she may just making it increasingly difficult for your DH to have shared care.

Your DH needs to wake up and take action. Yes book mediation and alongside it is time to go to court. Realistically the best option may be that he has EOW and the bulk of the holidays because DD does need to move schools etc.

You know his ex will lie to him, won't discuss and doesn't put DDs best interests first so just get on with it and go to court so there is certainty go DDs sake.

Thanks @RandomMess

You know, she’s known this bloke since the summer. Introduced sd to him within a couple of weeks from splitting from her last partner (who sd considered as stepdad), and before even telling my DP about him...now she is moving towns for him. We waited 7/8 months for me to even be introduced to SD, and she kicked off about that for a long time.

There’s never any winning with her

Why is he so afraid to go to court?

It is sad that his ex isn't in the right place at the moment to put DD first which is the exact reason he need to do this, to give her stability. It may be that he is the one that should have more than 50% that her Mum has EOW and sees her some evenings during the week.

At the moment there is nothing to stop his ex moving DD school for all you know that is going to happen this week...

He needs to see a solicitor & take this all to court ASAP.
I also think mum is definitely planning to move DD’s school.
I would be pushing for 50/50 or even residency based on everything you’ve said (and I don’t mean that lightly).

Just to put balance as this would be how a court sees it. Child arrangements had been agreed and were working for years (?) but now your Dp wants to change them.The ex doesn't agree so mediation seems sensible but she is entitled to think the current arrangements work so no need for change.

She doesn't need to give advance notice of her move and she has now told you ahead of pick up so not withholding. It will be up to her to figure out school journeys but the law does protect a child being moved schools without the other parents consent.

If you see her point of view..why change arrangements that she perceives works well for her daughter, it might help to get an agreement.

In regard to the move the Ex may have had very good reason to move..personally I would never live with a partner for at least 2 years so the timing is short but many posters on MN disagree and think 6 months is fine.

But the arrangements haven't been working well for the last 2 years, DSD is expressing wanting more leisure time with Dad and Dad wants more leisure time with her 🤷🏽‍♀️

@RandomMess, the Ex could say the same! We don't know what SD is telling her mum and how she behaves after time with her dad.

It is just more helpful to think that both parents have good intentions as that will lead to better cooperation. Court does provide a decision but it invariably leads to the child being questioned by Cafcass (not something I want to put my DC through again) and the relationship between both parents rarely recovers. Court could also dictate a decision that neither parent are happy with but they will have to abide by it. You are outsourcing decisions to Cafcass and a judge and it is no longer the parents decision.

If you go to court you have to balance what you could lose as well as what you could win. It can cost far more than money so you need to be sure that what you are fighting over is worth it. I would argue that a 7 or 8 year old is still a little young to make decisions.

The arrangements have t been working well for us for well over 2 years, and is getting worse which is why DP is pushing so hard for this now. DP hasn’t suddenly decided he wants to change things. It’s been a long and well thought out process.

Sd will definitely say she loves being with her mum, no question. Her mum gets to do all the fun things with her. Her mum lays on the guilt trip if sd stays with us more. It’s a total mess. Sd is angry with her dad. Dad wants some more quality time with Sd.

I haven’t said all that much on here, but mum is completely manipulating the situation with Sd. I won’t go into it, makes me too angry.

Of course the mum says the arrangement works well for her. She has much more freedom with Sd. Can enjoy weekends with her, take her for days out on a whim, can plan weekends away, goes on these bloomin regular sleepovers but doesn’t have to deal Witt the consequences of her tiredness the following day, doesn’t do homework with her because they’re having so much fun etc. Then if mum wants to do something with friends or her boyfriend, she does DP a massive favour and offers sd to him for a weekend. If he’s not free, she sends Sd to one of her friends for the night or whole weekend.

But she will never give up regular time with her as “each moment is precious” and will interrupt her time “with all her many friends and the sleepovers”

Meanwhile, DP has to deal with an angry, tired and jealous Sd, she comes with small pants on, teeth and hair not brushed, has to sort the homework, wash the lunch box etc that’s just been sat in her school bag all weekend. If he wants to take her away, he has to ask the ex who resists every time, then takes 2 weeks to decide after several chasers. Impromtu days out never happen. Sd thinks DP lives by DS more than her.

We are trying to fix this mess but DP needs more quality time with her

*loves my DS

Sd is angry with her dad. Dad wants some more quality time with Sd

Just be cautious as Cafcass will focus on the child's needs and not what your partner wants and jealousy of your son won't be fixed by an extra night.

I hope mediation is effective as Court is a risk as you may get a decision you don't like.

Thanks @Techway

Hi @TwoDots - I'm in Ireland so different to UK courts but maybe similar in other ways. Here the courts don't give two hoots about the parents - it's all about what they deem is best for the child. 50/50 is rarely awarded here as moving so frequently between two houses is not generally deemed good for a child (by the courts). 50/50 can of course be written into a couples divorce agreement when they have both consented to it.
You have my utmost sympathy & it does seem like your dp is being used as a childminder but if he goes to court he may have to content himself with EOW & one day/night during the week. Would he be ok with that outcome?
My exdp's exw was similarly manipulative (kids a bit older) & he was told by legal counsel that there was no way the courts would ever give him 50/50 or full custody without evidence of abuse (which wasn't a factor) when the kids had had dm as rp for the past number of years.
It's very unfair but dm's have that power unfortunately.

From what I've read, generally the courts are very reluctant to change a child's routine unless there is a very good argument that it will be beneficial for the child to do so. I do think you'll struggle to change it via the courts. You can but try, I suppose, but as others have said, beware of the costs, both financially and emotionally. It's hard for the kids too when these things go through court, not just for the adults.

Let’s hope it can be settled via mediation.

DP is terrified of being given eow only or 1 night in the week. He’s more than that and can’t stand the thought of being an eow dad. We know that is a risk, but at the same time he will get more quality time with her with that arrangement.

If the courts did give DP that, they would be daft. We live a 5 minute walk from her school, and her mum will have a 45 minute commute with her, plus extra before and after school club

I have heard that courts usually prefer to maintain the status quo so I think you're right to take the legal route before she switches school.
It's not long until secondary applications and you can hopefully make sure that your address is used rather than hers especially as you have her on more school days than mum.

I think the key is to get an SHL (sh*t hot lawyer) that specialises in family law.

My partner hired one (was less costly than expected) who specialises in childrens law.

His ex wanted to cut his contact time from every other friday, and every other weekend friday evening to monday morning.

She lost. He now gets her monday nights on those weekends too.

The courts don't like a change from the status quo, as PPs have said but will change things if it is best for the child. If you are currently 55:45 I don't see why the court would change to one weeknight and EOW as that is closer to 70:30. 50:50 with full weekends is closer to the current status but ensures SD has quality time with her father. Courts do see the value of quality time, if it goes to court. Having done mediation and court several times, my view is that if you are dealing with a difficult person, it's worth going to court as they won't stick to arrangements agreed in mediation even if you reach agreement.

A PP said it can be hard for children when it goes through court. Children don't even need to know about it, unless Cafcass need to speak to them. Given the age of SD and what you have said about the circumstances, I'm not convinced they would want to so she need never know anything about it all.

It can be very emotionally draining but at least it gets things out of the way rather than having constant disagreements and the emotional stress of uncertainty over contact.