Ex moved SD out of town without telling DP

[TwoDots]

But of backstory

Custody split 45/55, ex having the 55%. The school week is split evenly between both parents, the ex has more weekend time. DP has been trying to ask for more weekend time for over 2 years now, and it’s starting to get nasty. We (DP and I) live a 5 minute walk from SD school.

As Sd gets older (7 nearly 8), it’s becoming more obvious that she needs more quality leisure time with her dad. I actively encourage this. It’s just very difficult with the routine we have to make this happen as we have her on school day’s predominately.
He has asked his ex if they could keep their current weekday arrangement, so he has every Monday and Tuesday and drops off on weds at school, and she has every Wednesday and Thursday and drops Friday at school. He then asked if they could alternate weekends from Friday after school to Monday morning. The reason he wants to keep the weekdays as they are is because changing them will mean more breakfast and after school club when with DM due to her work hours, which SD already doesn’t enjoy.

This is no exaggeration, the resistance we’ve had from the ex has been quite shocking. She doesn’t want to have SD on the Sunday nights as that is when she has time with her boyfriend (said 3 weeks ago when she wasn’t living with him), and she likes to take SD to her friends (ex’s friend) for sleepovers and won’t accept that being able to do that eow is enough. These sleepovers were part of the original problem as when DP got sd on Sunday’s, she was absolutely knackered. That’s another story.

3 weeks ago, she also hinted that she didn’t know what she was doing about living arrangements which came as a surprise as she only moved house in August last year.

DP text her a couple of days later to query what she meant and she reassured him that she wasn’t going to move any time soon. Part of him didn’t believe her, but left it at that. The following week she admitted that she might move in with her boyfriend (who lives 20 miles away), but didn’t know when but reassured DP that she would keep SD in the same school. He has asked her a couple of times since “any news on the move” to which she’s replied “she doesn’t know”

Anyway, DP has continued to negotiate a change in routine, and the ex is becoming more and more difficult, despite admitting that it would make more sense when she’s moved, but refuses to commit to anything or even talk about it now. She’s becoming quite hostile.
DP is due to pick SD up on Sunday at 5 and the agreement is from ex house. Yesterday she demanded DP pick SD up from her boyfriends house 20 miles away, to which DP said he couldn’t due to plans, but can meet her somewhere instead. Ex kicked off saying our agreement is you pick up from where we live and we live here now. Naturally, DP reminded her that he has not been told a date when moving etc, and feels totally lied to.

I think this will end up going down the legal route, but where does he stand with this?. If he doesn’t drive the 40 mile round trip to get SD on Sunday, is it him who will loom bad?

We genuinely do have plans and ex lived 5 mins up the road before

Thank you Just

We are trying. We’ve moved house so she has the bigger bedroom (she has more belongings than my DS - typical girl), and we live so close to school. She has everything here, clothes, shoes, coat, as if she lived here full time.
DP is the one who takes her for eye test, dentist etc and does most homework. He just wants a bit mire leisure time with her, and doesn’t want her travelling 40 miles every single day to get to get to and from school

We really are trying

We're in a similar situation OP, except in our case the ex moved 200 miles away rather than 20. Which as you can imagine, is not ideal.

One thing I will say is that you shouldn't rely on the court order to be the be all and end all. Theoretically DH's ex should do half of the travelling. In real life, if we want to see DSS then the onus falls falls on DH to do it as she won't. We could go back to court but it'll make life difficult for DSS and it's unlikely to change anything - so why bother?

So do you have a court order where the ex is supposed to do half, but she refuses?
200 miles is a tough one. Do you have to do that journey EOW?

A friend of mine just went to court and the judge said she has to collect even though he moved an hour away. But on top of this she isn't actually allowed at the house so her new husband or her elderly father has to collect the children. It's so fucked up!
I second taking it to court, but be prepared to do half the travelling!

Purple, that’s messed up, isn’t it?
Hopefully we can negotiate a routine where hangovers are based around school so no one has to do travelling, which is surely better for sd too

Courts are scary...so much depends on the judge, but we’ve had 4 years of so many difficulties. This is the latest in a long line of things. Just gets so tiring

Id be wary of court....you may end up with less time than you now have.

Plus its only 20 miles away. Not far in the scheme of things. She's entitled to move on with her life.

My ex lives that far away. He took me to court for 50/50. He ended up with 2 weekends per month and ordered to do all the travelling whereas before I used to do half.

Pick your battles. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Be careful and pick your battles. At the moment she has done nothing wrong, she can move 20mins away without any consultation with your DP and she does not have to attend mediation if she doesn't want to.
If you go to court think about what you are actually asking for. You already have a very good level of contact, almost 50/50. If the courts see this as you trying to control the mum or being coercive you risk them coming down firmly on her side.

Not sure if I made myself clear. DP was in discussions with his ex long before the move about having more weekend time. He’s not trying to get 50/50 because she’s moved, although the move does does make it more appropriate so less travelling for sd.
His ex has been changing her story left right and centre about this move, and I came on here to ask if it’s going to look bad on him if we don’t give into her last minute demands.

The change un routine is for sd to have more quality time with DP, and not to get at ex for moving.

Fwiw, parents really should be notifying the other parent if they plan on moving the child out of town, even if only 20 miles. Can affect schooling etc

You’re not hearing......it’s all about the quality time that you consider to be the right thing. What if mum doesn’t agree? What if child goes home and says she hates it at yours? 20 miles is not far. Your partner has a new partner. His ex is also allowed a new partner. There is, as far as you are aware (Monday might be interesting), no attempt to change the child’s school or change contact time. She just moved. Suck it up, do the travelling. Or don’t. But that means she gets to say ‘I made the child available and he didn’t turn up’ to a judge.

Personally, I would pick up and then speak with the school office on Monday to make sure you are made aware if an attempt at school transfer is made. Then you can go straight to court for a Specific Issues Order and she is the one in the wrong, not you.

You need to think long term with a strategic head on.

You need a child arrangements order to do it properly have a long hard think about a pattern that works for you as a family but even with mediation expect a bumpy road

She just moved. Suck it up, do the travelling

Why shouldnt the mum do it @Sotiredofthislife is it because shes pushed a baby out and now doesnt have to do anything she doesnt want to because shes soooo special?

No one has said she can’t move on with her life. They’ve been split years, I’ve been with DP 4 years and this is her third relationship. Been with him a few months. No one is saying she can’t. We’ve never complained to her, this is not the issue.

The routine issue has been going on over 2 years. She won’t even let him have every other Saturday night as she doesn’t like to be restricted with sleepovers. She doesn’t want SD on every other Sunday night because she either ‘doesn’t like them’ or it’s time with boyfriend. We are asking for this due to sd behaviour, and a lot of jealousy issues. This is due to sd desire to spend mire time with Dad

It just so happens the move has come about in the last 3 weeks. The routine we have suggested now makes even more sense as it doesn’t mean SD travelling every single Sunday (every other week would be a different matter).

We are going to pick up as we don’t want SD thinking we don’t want her. We are pursuing mediation as the ex cannot have a conversation. Hopefully things will be settled out of court as nobody wants that, but on more than one occasion the ex has broken DP trust

Imagine a dad doing this. Imagine we moved 20 miles away without telling ex, meaning a long commute to school in the mornings and evenings we have her. Would it be ok to not communicate to the ex then, Orr would you fully understand why she would be pissed off?!

When you hear SD say to her dad
“In the school holidays, can we have a nice breakfast together?” , it’s not right. A child shouldn’t have to wait for the school holidays. That’s the problem we have with only having school nights, no real down time with sd. It’s homework, reading, showers, dinner, bed etc. Not complaining about it but DP should be able to have some downtime with his dd and it’s affecting her.
And please don’t say “oh you can have a nice breakfast before school”. Everyone on here knows school mornings are hardly relaxing

Ex is happy to do 50% school holidays, 50% costs for things, but not 50% leisure time, despite many examples DP has given her that it’s affecting SD. Mum is also more than happy for sd to be here on a weekend if she has other plans, of course

Mums should be encouraging good relationships with the dads, not trying to be the favourite parent and do all the fun stuff (defo our case here).

Op if this was the other way round posters like sotired would be harping on at you about how unfair it is for a mother to do all the "grunt work" and have no fun time with the kids.

Because your dh is a man, they dont give a shit.

Youll never win on here. If youre not a first wife on MN, youre in the wrong no matter what you do.

What weekend time do you currently get with her?

I think you need legal advice. Intuitively, the ex should do the traveling as she decided to move but I have no idea if the courts will see it that way or whether you will be able to enforce it if she refuses to comply.

Would 50:50 week by week be an option? Then all handovers are done at school (with the exception of holidays but that reduces the possible traveling quite drastically) and each parent gets the same kind of contact.

Yes, DH does the journey EOW - it's a 7hr round trip, 9 on Sundays when the trains are longer (DSS gets terribly car sick so driving isn't an option). We have him every second weekend Fri-Sun and a good proportion of most holidays.

It's a bugger but what else can we do? Not seeing him isn't an option so we have to suck it up.

Op if this was the other way round posters like sotired would be harping on at you about how unfair it is for a mother to do all the "grunt work" and have no fun time with the kids

Erm....ODFOD and don’t put words in my mouth. There is a bigger battle to fight here.

Imagine a dad doing this. Imagine we moved 20 miles away without telling ex, meaning a long commute to school in the mornings and evenings we have her. Would it be ok to not communicate to the ex then, Orr would you fully understand why she would be pissed off?!

Imagine. My ex did it. I know exactly how long commutes impacted on our children. And I was never told about it in official terms. Is it Dionne not to communicate? No. Is it worth fighting about? No. Not in my case. But as I said, I see thee bigger picture and know which battles to fight. You are not seeing it and it won’t help your case.

@BecauseReasons, currently he gets SD mid morning every other Sunday. The issues we face with this is the amount of time handover goes on for, how long it takes SD to settle in, and by the time all that is done, it’s lunch time. Truth is, it takes SD at least 24 hours to properly settle in. She comes to us very cranky and angry, often tired from her sleepovers the night before, if I do much as ask DP if he wants anything from the shop, she has a tantrum and complete melt down. It also takes a while for my BS and her to get used to being around each other again, so there’s lots of shouting, tears and tantrums. Don’t get me wrong, when we have her on occasion from after school on Friday, she comes here an absolute nightmare, but by Saturday she’s much more settled and by Sunday she’s great, and we can all have a nice day together.

The other issue is she has a massive fear of missing out. So fir example, DP has tried to suggest they go fir dinner together, or park etc, but she doesn’t want to do that if she knows I might be doing something with my DS. Sunday’s are generally a day where we want to do something but it’s just not possible. My son has activities on a Saturday, so sd is happier going out and doing things with her dad. It works really well.

The poor thing is stuck in the middle of wanting to be a part of a family (loves having a brother, my DS), but is also very jealous if my DP even talks to someone else when she is around.

We just want to be able to give her that every other Saturday with her dad, then every other Sunday as a family. We think that could be a nice balance for her, less travelling, and easier on everyone if I’m honest.

It can’t be easy for her knowing my DP spends every weekend with my DS but very little with her

Sorry but 20 miles is literally nothing. I highly doubt the courts will see that as an issue. We do a 60 mile round trip twice a week at the moment and the ex wife was trying to secretly move a 10 hour drive away. We only knew cos the kids let it slip. I think she realised her child free weekends, every weekend, would stop so she changed her mind!

@Booboostwo we have suggested we have every Monday and Tuesday night, she has every Wednesday and Thursday night (that is currently what we do re weekdays anyway. All we’ve asked for is alternating full weekends fri to sun, originally for different reasons but the move only strengthens the reasons so all hand overs and around school and sd not travelling here every Sunday, every other Sunday we get her at 5, and it’s awful. We really don’t see the point in dragging her here when she hates being in the car too.

The reason a week on/week off couldn’t work is due to the ex’s work. Sd would be in even more childcare from 8am til 6. When she’s with us on the Monday and Tuesday, between DP and I we use next to no childcare

Go and see at least one lawyer, preferably more. Get proper advice. Go with a list of hopes. Think carefully about what's in her best interests.

Negotiate from a position of strength and for the future. She will be off to high school in a few years so you don't want to be renegotiating then. If every other week would work best for DSD then don't take it off the table.

@StormBaby and @Sotiredofthislife I really think you’re not understanding what I’m trying to say. Perhaps my title of this thread has misled people and I apologise.

I wrote this as we were both in shock. We have no issues generally with pick ups, but as usual it’s the way the ex goes about things. Is it unreasonable to demand DP changes all of his plan with 3 days notice because she’s moved and we need to suck it up? Yes! DP explained he has plans, and because he wasn’t informed about any of this, can they compromise this week with meeting in the middle and they can discuss how things will look moving forward. Ex refuses, she’s pissed off that he’s asking for more time. My question was would it look bad if we didn’t pick up, despite how little notice she’s given , lied to him about moving, and being completely unreasonable with our already arranged plans with e writhing else that is going on.

We have decided to change plans and pick up as long term it looks better, and is kinder to sd

We do not have an issue with the fact she’s moved, just the way she’s gone about it. The issue is not her moving, it’s us trying to firstly tweak the routine so sd has at least one full weekend day here in a month, or change it so she has more time (for reasons I’ve listed above). We are keeeky highlighting that the move would mean more travelling for sd which she hates, so having hangovers around school could be a better option on top of the other reasons we gave given to the ex

We have had 4 years of hell from this woman.

Apologies for all the typos. Defo not hangovers , handovers

I think you would be wise to take it to court because I think DSD would benefit from having cafcass involved to represent what she wants. It needs to focus on where she is going to go to secondary school and shared care that will work then.

It does sound like a week with you and then a week with her Mum and Mum having more holiday time to keep it 55:45 if that matters so much to her (is it to get maintenance or does it come across as a power trump card thing).

When you chat yo DSD about how she would like it to be what does she say?