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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you manage the summer holidays? (don't want to look after DSD!)

102 replies

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:26

Hi - how do you manage the summer hols?

I'll be taking most of my annual leave to look after my DSDs. DH cannot get so much annual leave.

The trouble is that DSD is a typical teen, doesn't really do what I say (don't blame her!) but also won't leave the house at all, so I will really need to look after her all the time.

I want to spend some time just with my DSDs, but it doesn't look possible. :( I just want to be able to take them out and do the sorts of mummy things that I usually do with them, without DSD taking over. She does like to be the center of attention (has been an only child most of her life) and everything tends to revolve around her.

I am really feeling sad about the summer holidays already. I feel as though I will be wasting all my annual leave looking after DSD and not having any quality time with my own girls. Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MythicalKings · 12/05/2015 16:30

Yes, tell your DH that you can't/won't do it and give him your reasons. It's up to him and his ex to sort out childcare not you. Your DCs have a right to fun times with their mum and is DSD spoils that then say you won't be responsible for her.

Why does she need looking after? Does she have additional needs?

Once mine were teens they could look after themselves.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 12/05/2015 16:36

Absolutely mythical

op I'd say no.

Petal02 · 12/05/2015 16:37

I agree with mythicalkings. Your DSD has two parents, and you're not one of them.

I suppose the problem you could encounter, is if your DH brings her to your house for access, and disappears off to work, then you're rather stuck. This used to happen to me, DH always used to argue that DSS 'wasn't doing any harm' but it still meant I ended up with him by default.

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 16:39

Do you mean your DD's where you have put DSD?

If so you have options.

Explain to DH that any A/L you take will be to spend time with your DC's and that he will need to arrange child care for his DD as that is his responsibility when it is his contact time.
If you are happy to take DSD with you then lay down the ground rules. It is a family day out and everyone will get the same which includes level of attention. If she DSD makes this impossible then she will not be coming out with you and her father will need to arrange care/supervision for her. Her father should have this chat with her and he should take the lead.

You are making arrangements for childcare for your DD's and frankly he should do the same. You are not free child care for him and his ex.
If she was able to enjoy the girls outings and behave then some of the time spent looking after her would be fine but I wouldn't do it all the time as you also need 1-1 time with your DD's.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 16:39

He needs to sort this out with his ex.

Sanityseeker75 · 12/05/2015 16:39

How old are is she because my DS nearly 16 stays at hme on his own in hols and my DSD nearly 15 spent most of her hols last year looking after her DB (10).

Is there are big gap in age between your DD's and her?

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:39

Yes - she lives with us, so there's not much I can do about that! She's here all the time.

OP posts:

juneau · 12/05/2015 16:40

Does DSD live with you? If not, why is the care falling to you? I think its reasonable that you and your DH are responsible for DSD on the days you would normally have her, but are holiday clubs an option, if she simply won't join in with normal family days out? I tend to put my older DS in a holiday club one or two days per week, co-ordinated so that at least one other friend is doing it too, otherwise he gets really bored. How old are your DDs?

juneau · 12/05/2015 16:42

Where is your DH's ex in all this? Is she having DSD for part of the summer, at least?

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 16:45

OP how old is your DSD?

I think I remember you from another thread about your DSD but I am pants with nn so I have more than likely completely mixed you up grin]

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:46

I don't think her mother will have her at all, no. DSD's choice really.

She is 16 but doesn't really have any interests or many friends. She falls out with her friends very quickly as she is rather high-needs. In all honesty my dad's love her - I just don't want to have her around ALL summer. I can't really afford to take my girls away just to 'escape' from dsd.

OP posts:

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:47

Dd's not dad's

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/05/2015 16:47

If she is a teen then surely she doesnt need much "looking after"?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/05/2015 16:48

Not wanting her around is pretty shit tbh - she is a 16yo girl. There is a strong possibility that one of your dds will end up a right pain in the arse when hormones and exam pressures hit.

Just get up and do whatever you want with your dds and DSD can surely just do whatever the jeff she wants.

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 16:49

Well she lives with you so having her around all the time is kind of a given. At 16 unless she has additional needs she does not need you to look after her 24/7.
Does she not have contact with her mum? Surely she could go to her house for some of the time which would at least allow you to spend time with the younger DD's.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 16:50

Where would she ordinarily be?

You say you don't want to "have her around" all summer but also that she lives with you...

Where do you want her to go?

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:51

I don't ny want her around, I just want to be able to spend some days
In the summer alone with my girls. I am very different when I'm with her; our relationship is obviously very different to mine with my own dds and they are very different and open up more when she isn't around. Surely understandable to want to spend my annual leave with my own dds and not with DSD all the time as well?

OP posts:

BettyCatKitten · 12/05/2015 16:52

At 16 surely you can leave her at home while you take your girls out.
My dc's done their own thing at that age, and only came out with me when if they thought something was in it for them!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 12/05/2015 16:53

She isn't just your dsd she is a part of your family and a member of your household.

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 16:53

I'll ask again just incase you missed it.

Does she not have any contact with her mother?

I can't see what is stopping you spending time with your DD's. She is 16 does she need constant supervision?

Sanityseeker75 · 12/05/2015 16:56

At 16 she does not need you to look after her but as she clearly has issues.

She sounds like my DSD but she doesn't live with us but constant teen drama, turbulent relationship with mom. Lies and flaky friendships of her own making.

Why does she live with you? Is is because dad is easier to get round than at her moms?

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:56

She has very little contact with her mother - EOW.

She doesn't need constant supervision but she does want to be with me all the time (which I know is very nice but also quite tiring!). I know she has missed out on mothering. If I take my girls out, she will come with me.

I suppose regarding 'what I want' is for you all to tell me I am definitely NBU and DH should step up, so I can feel more virtuous.

However, realistically, he isn't going to take annual leave off when I do, just to deal with his DSD.

I suppose the most I can ask him is to try and take her on holiday or something so at least I get a week 'off'. I have asked him that but he hasn't been very keen so far.

OP posts:

Tutt · 12/05/2015 16:57

Agree with the above and anyone who says you aren't allowed time with your own children without a step is a complete prat!
Put your foot down and say no... I did, life is easier for all as we all know where we stand and my DS gets to spend time just the 2 of us (how it was for years) and we are ALL happy.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 16:58

But where do you want her to go?

Surely she'll see a friend once or twice in the holidays, she won't want to spend every single day at home with you? If not, would she like to do an activity or a sports scheme or something?

Think of nice things she might like to do to get out of the house, thus giving you all a break in the meantime.

You can't just pack her off because you don't want her around cramping your style though, you need to think about it from her point of view.

Mrsderekshepard · 12/05/2015 16:59

I really feel for your dsd. I was that girl when I was younger and still don't feel good enough. She lives with you and is part of your family u can't just pick and choose when you want her around

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