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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you manage the summer holidays? (don't want to look after DSD!)

102 replies

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:26

Hi - how do you manage the summer hols?

I'll be taking most of my annual leave to look after my DSDs. DH cannot get so much annual leave.

The trouble is that DSD is a typical teen, doesn't really do what I say (don't blame her!) but also won't leave the house at all, so I will really need to look after her all the time.

I want to spend some time just with my DSDs, but it doesn't look possible. :( I just want to be able to take them out and do the sorts of mummy things that I usually do with them, without DSD taking over. She does like to be the center of attention (has been an only child most of her life) and everything tends to revolve around her.

I am really feeling sad about the summer holidays already. I feel as though I will be wasting all my annual leave looking after DSD and not having any quality time with my own girls. Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

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Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:00

It's quite difficult as she doesn't have many interests, and if she does anything, I will then need to drive her to the venue etc.

She is currently at home with me as she has finished school. I am supposed to be working from home. My DSDs are at the childminder. She is talking to me CONSTANTLY. I can get no work done.

My frustration is that, because she is around ALL the time, I am by default the 'childminder'.

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 17:02

Then can her mother not see her more than EOW during the holidays?

End of the day you DF needs to parent her and it should not be left all down to you.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:03

No your her stepmother, in loco parentis, and she lives with you.

Tell her to go and entertain herself because you need to work. Would you let your own dd do this?

Find a nice activity for her for the summer and drive her to it. If you want so,e time with your dd's then you need to get your dsd involved in something which will divert her attention off you for a day or two.

You can't just give her the heave ho.

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 17:06

She is 16.

Tell her you are working and between X time and X time you do not want to be disturbed unless it is an emergency.

You do have to realise that she lives with you and will of course always be around so you need to set boundaries and accept she is a full time member of your family.

Sanityseeker75 · 12/05/2015 17:06

But she is not a child and doesn't need minding at 16 I would get her a part time job to get her out or give her chores to do at the very least.

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:06

Tell her to go and entertain herself because you need to work. Would you let your own dd do this?

No, but my own Dds do ask I ask them. I have no authority with her whatsoever. She isn't good at subtle hints. :)

I think it might be one solution if I actually send my OWN Dds to summer camps instead of taking off annual leave. If I can't enjoy some time off with them on my own, it is a bit of a waste. I am just going to make myself cross. Perhaps I should accept that the days of just having them on my own are gone!

OP posts:

Littlemonstersrule · 12/05/2015 17:07

Poor girl, it must be awful to live in a house where you are not really wanted. No matter how well you feel you hide it, it will come across.

Your own children will be 16 one day, will you try and leave them out? I doubt it.

You made the choice to live with a man that already had children. If you wanted to be alone with just your children then you should have chosen a partnet that had none already.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:09

If she ain't good at subtle hints then give it to her straight!

If she doesn't respect your authority, speak to her father and make it clear that you expect to be respected in your own house.

Why would you put your kids in play schemes rather than spend time with them?

I think you need to grow a backbone. It really isn't an impossible problem.

Artandco · 12/05/2015 17:10

Surely she needs to be around all the time if she lives there? But at the same time set boundarys

When you are working in office area you don't want to be disturbed unless someone's dying, or pre arranged. Even my 4 year old knows not to nag me when working. Just say between x and y i need to work

In holidays write up a rota with her to see what her plans are. Tell her you would really like say Monday's to be just little kids activity days, but Friday's to be family days for everyone. In between will vary

DuncanQuagmire · 12/05/2015 17:10

I agree with littlemonsters, I pity a girl who is not wanted in her own house.ffs.

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:11

I'm sure if this was the other way round, you wouldn't be telling my DH how awful he was - if he had to 'by default' look after my two girls every time and never got to spend any time alone with his DD, who he dearly loves!

OP posts:

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:14

People are offering suggestions but you're ignoring them

Reginafalangie · 12/05/2015 17:15

Yes we would if he was saying he wished your DD's were not there all the time....ya know the house where they live.

OP you have been given plenty of good advice and things you could do to change the fact you are the default babysitter for a 16 year old

Your problem is you didn't get the response you wanted. Good luck with the wedding and the summer hols.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/05/2015 17:17

But she lives in your home!
The issue around childcare is surely more pertinent to the younger ones - don't you expect your DH to help out there?

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:18

I can't sit her down and work out a 'schedule' as she doesn't have anything to do. It would rather be rubbing it in.

I'm not sure how I can suddenly come up with lots of ideas for her summer holiday, when she isn't interested.

I think that it does make sense for me to put my DDs in a holiday camp and take my annual leave in one chunk, so I can take them away. I just want to carve a bit of time on my own with them. I can see that it's unreasonable to want to do that when DSD is here all the time.

OP posts:

silveracorn · 12/05/2015 17:20

OP, put some structure into the holidays. She's 16. It will do her good not to mope round you all day long. Help her choose a summer school for a week if you can afford it - sport, acting, music, art, science, youth club etc there are loads on offer in most towns.
Then around that week, make sure DH has some time alone with her, you take DDs off to visit their relatives and book a few days out with them, and also book a few days out with her and them, and one exclusively with her, so she doesn't feel under your feet.
Pick some low maintenance group activities like going to the cinema, and get some chores booked in like dental checkups. That way you break down the weeks and endless days of mooching.

If DDs adore her, then can you get her to do some short term babysitting with a planned activity while you are out shopping or at the hairdresser, just to create a habit of her not being dependent on you all the time. She could bake with them, or take them to the park?

Unless her mum is really malign she should also spend a lot of time with her too.

DuncanQuagmire · 12/05/2015 17:20

" I just want to carve a bit of time on my own with them. "

well perhaps y0u could help your DSD find an interest.
I hate to say it but you did get with a man who already had children, did you think they would just kind of fade away with time or something?

DelphiniumBlue · 12/05/2015 17:20

As she's 16 and you say she's finished school, what about a job?
There's a few things in your post that strike me ( and I say this as parent of boys who as teenagers very rarely went out) . Firstly, why do you need to take her everywhere? is there no public transport?
Secondly, she's old enough to get not interrupting you while you are working. Be firm about this.
I'm wondering could she go into work with DH sometimes, could he find her something useful to do? Some sort of work experience?
She sounds lonely, and that needs to be addressed, as well as giving her some responsibility.
As for you, can't see what else you can do but suck it up. Give her jobs to do, suggest summer courses and work.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:23

At 16 she should be utilising her summer holiday for more than just bumming round the house.

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:24

Thanks Delphinium - I think part of my problem is that I get cross at how independent I was at her age. E.g. working, earning money, getting about on a bike etc. She is very dependent on me and her father although I appreciate that this is because of her own issues - but it is draining.

She is a really good girl and lovely most of the time (I'm sure more lovely than most teens), but it is just draining to have her with me constantly and I would like a break from this responsibility sometime.

OP posts:

DuncanQuagmire · 12/05/2015 17:25

it is true that 16 year olds are not as independent as before, treated in a more child like manner...

SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2015 17:25

I think there must be a back story here.

My DS is 16 and although we have a great relationship he would always prefer to be with his friends than with me and DH. I think that's normal at his age.

Does your DSD not have friends she can hang out with?

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:27

Duncan: do you think that is true? Or are they all just useless from staring at phones all day?!

Surburban: She is VERY needy in terms of wanting to be the centre of attention. She has very intense friendships and then they fall out because she is too demanding. All the time. I'm hoping that a change of school next term will help her get to know a wider variety of friends and be a bit more relaxed generally... I think it will be very beneficial to her.

OP posts:

prepperpig · 12/05/2015 17:30

She lives in your home. It is her home. You don't want her there but she has nowhere else to go. Lovely.

Realistically you either sign her up to do something or either of the adults that she lives with looks after her, or she stays home on her own.

DuncanQuagmire · 12/05/2015 17:31

they do seem more child like these days compared to older generations stepmother, guess it is the 'health and safety generation'!

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