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Original poster

How do you manage the summer holidays? (don't want to look after DSD!)

102 replies

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:26

Hi - how do you manage the summer hols?

I'll be taking most of my annual leave to look after my DSDs. DH cannot get so much annual leave.

The trouble is that DSD is a typical teen, doesn't really do what I say (don't blame her!) but also won't leave the house at all, so I will really need to look after her all the time.

I want to spend some time just with my DSDs, but it doesn't look possible. :( I just want to be able to take them out and do the sorts of mummy things that I usually do with them, without DSD taking over. She does like to be the center of attention (has been an only child most of her life) and everything tends to revolve around her.

I am really feeling sad about the summer holidays already. I feel as though I will be wasting all my annual leave looking after DSD and not having any quality time with my own girls. Is there anything I can do?

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juneau · 12/05/2015 17:31

it is just draining to have her with me constantly and I would like a break from this responsibility

Well I think you need some boundaries in the house, by the sound of it. You say she won't do as you say, but if she's nattering at you when you need to work then that has to be dealt with. TBH I wouldn't tolerate that from a 16-year-old - little DC yes - but you should be able to say to her 'Look, its lovely talking to you, but I really have to get on with some work now. Could you give me an hour/two hours of peace so I can get this done?' Surely she can watch TV, play a game, read a book, etc? FFS, my 7-year-old will leave me in peace for a bit if I'm busy, so a 16-year-old should certainly be capable of entertaining herself for a bit.

As for the fact that she's now home all the time and you get no help, you need to talk to your DH about arranging some activities for her (and your DDs), over the summer. Obviously, this must be fairly done so either all are doing activities, or all are at home, but it sounds like this girl needs someone to just put things in place for her, since she seems to be so lacking in personal motivation.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2015 17:34

Not all of them, duncan.

My DD travelled alone to Korea after her GCSEs to meet her friend. She was fine - I was a wreck!

DuncanQuagmire · 12/05/2015 17:35

omg that is so cool, rhonda, you must be v proud of her!

SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2015 17:36

I am Blush

Original poster
stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:36

Wow Rhonda that's impressive!

OP posts:
Original poster
stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 17:37

June - I think you are right about the activities and discussing this with DH rather than trying to do something on my own...

OP posts:
Tequilashotsfor1 · 12/05/2015 17:47

So basically your going to cut your nose off to spite your face.

After reading your posts I feel really sorry for your dsd. She obviously needs support and is needy. There will be a reason for that.

I lived in a flat at 16 with my dd1 so I can't see why she Should need babysitting. The fact that you act differently around her will be extremly noticeable and she will spot it. It's not a nice feeling not be wanted.

I would insist your DH takes time off to spend with just her . For her benefit not yours. To make her feel wanted. I have no relastionship with my mother at all and it took me a long time to come to terms with emotional damage it did.

Going off what you said she is like with her friends it sounds like she is really unsettled deep down and your Dh needs to make her His priority.

AppleAndBlackberry · 12/05/2015 17:48

I think I would probably plan a mixture of things like a previous poster suggested and maybe also take your two away for a week. If you can enrol DSD on any kind of course to help build her confidence/independence that would help too. What is she good at?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 12/05/2015 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitingForEgg · 12/05/2015 18:43

I think she needs to find something to occupy her time over the summer. Spending weeks at home with no friends and nothing to do is a complete waste of time. It's a perfect opportunity for her to get a job (maybe at a summer camp?) and make some new friends. There are tonnes of summer jobs out there and it would be a great way for her to have some structure, meet new people and make some money. That way you can spend time with your DC when she is at work then maybe do something all together when she is off, it's a win win

yellowdaisies · 12/05/2015 18:46

Can you help her find a summer job?
If that fails, how about helping her find a volunteering opportunity? Charity shops often need staff, and nurseries will also take 16 year olds for a couple of weeks work experience. Would also second the suggestion of paying for one week at a summer school of some sort (sport, drama, etc) if she can be persuaded.

And for the times when she is at home, if you really want time with your DDs could you set her on some useful task (cooking a meal, gardening, etc - maybe paying her) whilst you take your DDs to something they'd enjoy that DSD's too old for? Or could DSD look after one of your DDs whilst you have some one to one time with the other? Or leave her in charge of both of them ( paid) whilst you work for the odd day? Or farm her out to friends who need childminding/babysitting?

thepurplehen · 12/05/2015 21:06

Ignore the remarks saying it's her home and to suck it up. I'm sure you're very aware it's her home and you do so much for her but she's not yours, so you need a break.

Having a step teen girl who won't do anything is incredibly difficult to deal with. My dsd2 has gone through phases of it and she's 17 and has the same contact with her mum as yours. Dsd1 is worse but not with us all the time.

Your dp needs to be encouraging her to do things away from you. Jobs, volunteering, grandparents?, extended family, chores, summer camps etc.

If she won't do this, she needs to be told to stop following you around. Pandering to her insecurities won't help her long term, she needs to learn to amuse herself and enjoy her own company. She needs to be independent and her parents should be doing everything they can to enable this.

It's a parents job to help their children spread their wings and fly.

Your feelings are perfectly normal and if this isn't dealt with, you will end up feeling resentful of dsd. Of course you have to be realistic, it's her home and you have to expect her to be part of your life. But you need time without her. It's not easy to do in this situation but with the effort from the parents it's perfectly feasible everyone can flourish.

LaLyra · 12/05/2015 22:18

How is she with your DDs? Could you try treating her like an adult a bit more in the hope that a wee bit of responsibility could spur her on? So sit down with you, DH & her (DH prepped beforehand) and work out the plans for family time? So ask for her help keeping DDs amused, perhaps even ask her to have one of them while you have one on one time with the other then perhaps your DH could take two days off - one to have father-daughter time (giving you time with DDs) and one for you and her to have time?

I think you do need to be careful here op as it died very much sound like the poor girl could end up feeling that no one wants her if you don't handle it well.

The interrupting you thing you need to speak to her about. Tell her you need to get on between x and y or you'll end up having to work until z. Does she have anything she likes like baking where she could be helping out in the house as well as keeping herself amused?

LaLyra · 12/05/2015 22:20

*does not died

SoldierBear · 12/05/2015 22:29

If DSD is 16 why can't she look after her sisters for at least part of the summer holidays, eg she could do three mornings a week and you and your DH could split working half days and take all the girls out in the afternoon/ do something as a family. On one of the other days you could do something with the younger girls and give her some "me" time.
She's 16, she isn't a child and having some responsibility over the holidays could be really constructive for her. You could sweeten the deal by giving her a tenner for each session. But I wouldn't be expecting to have to entertain a 16 year old. If mine wasn't going out with mates she basically hibernated in her room and on,y emerged for food/to gibber endlessly at me. Which she still does and she isn't a teen any more (well, for the last 4 weeks!)

Quesera21 · 12/05/2015 22:48

You do not want her around her home in the summer holidays.

She has issues with friendships because she is insecure. PArents split, relationship with mum is obviously bad and she is not wanted in her own home.

Sit down with your DP and her and work out summer holidays - you seem ot write her off before you or your DP have tried anything. She must be interested in something- I get the feeling no one has bothered to find out.

I feel sorry for her.

Original poster
stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 22:55

She isn't responsible enough to look after the younger ones. We actually put the middle child in charge if they are alone while we go shopping etc. DSD is really quite helpless unfortunately. We cannot leave her with any responsibility. That is also why she hasn't be able to get a job although we are looking for volunteer work at the mo.

OP posts:
Queenofknickers · 12/05/2015 23:00

Whatever the ins and outs you sound like you really need a break, OP, and that is ok! Your DSD will be better off long term with a step mum who has chance to breathe than one who is at the end of her tether. Your DH needs to step up and her DM should too - but bring a stepmum myself I know the laughability of that sentence!

Ledkr · 12/05/2015 23:04

Turning it on its head.
My sd lives with me and DH and our Dd.
dh has no time with just our dd and wgen I'm at work he looks after them both.
He doesn't seem bothered by not having time with just his dd.
I feel sorry for her too. No wonder shes got no social life, she probably has the self esteem of a maggot.

Ledkr · 12/05/2015 23:05

Sorry I meant MY DD not my sd

butterflyballs · 13/05/2015 00:41

ncsyes.co.uk/

My dd is doing this in the summer. 5 days of fun, then 5 days learning independent living, budgeting etc then two weeks doing a community project.

£50. She will be away for 10 days in total and out with the group for two weeks.

Show her the site. She will get so much out of it and that's four weeks of activities.

LaLyra · 13/05/2015 01:47

You really need to build that responsibility into her then. At 16 she should be able to be left alone, if not with another child for a short amount of time.

Are the issues just maturity/emotional that need work or does she need more help? Is she getting the help that she needs? Is she babied by people?

How long has they/she lived with you? Has there been an improvement in that time?

Tbh if you can't leave a 16 year old home alone for a day out then you've bigger issues to deal with than a bit of time alone with your DDs in the holidays imo. If you, obviously with her Dad, sort DSD's problems then you'll all be happier.

She can't be very happy needing looked after by a younger sibling, feeling rejection from her mother (which she will be reminded of every time she sees you with your DDs - not that you shouldn't be close to your DDs, it's just the way it is) and she'll probably be aware that she irritates you.

You need to sort this, and sort it properly, for DSD's sake as much as anyone or you'll still be having these conversations when she's 18 or 20.

Want2bSupermum · 13/05/2015 02:22

I feel so sorry for this DSD. OP, you have an opportunity to act in a way towards the half sister of your DC that will foster a better relationship for everyone in your family. She needs to feel wanted and cherished. Reading your posts you are being very unfair to your DSD and your DDs. Truth be told your current attitude is setting you and your DH up for a lifetime of misery with DSD. I am simply shocked that you give responsibility to your elder DD. You are a family unit and your DCs, as in the 3 girls you and your DH are raising, should be treated equally. I would tell my 16 year old to find a hobby if incessantly talking to me while working.

I think you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for being complicit in setting up this girl for failure. I don't have a step child but my SIL is one and one of my best friends too. Things don't end well with the way you are behaving towards her. You need to start being the adult here and quit the juvenile whining.

I think her summer should be her opportunity to start thinking about her career. I think a couple of 2-3 wk placements would be great for her plus that course linked above.

It goes without saying that DSD should be included in family days out. Plan them over the weekend so everyone, including DH, can attend.

SoldierBear · 13/05/2015 05:42

Agree that if she really cannot be given any responsibility then this is something you need to tackle now. She needs to be able to look after herself in a few years tme and you and your DH need to help her get to that position.

ltk · 13/05/2015 06:08

OP, you realise that the problem is your dh right? It's entirely reasonable of you to want time alone with your dds. Your dsd has a father. He needs to arrange to spend time with his dd. You say he adores her but will not take time off to be with her. Her parents obviously find her just as difficult as you do, but they seem to have the option of walking away from their responsibilities.

You need to make some changes. If you continue to act as unpaid childcare, your dh and his exw will continue to exploit you.