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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you manage the summer holidays? (don't want to look after DSD!)

102 replies

stepmothersknockers · 12/05/2015 16:26

Hi - how do you manage the summer hols?

I'll be taking most of my annual leave to look after my DSDs. DH cannot get so much annual leave.

The trouble is that DSD is a typical teen, doesn't really do what I say (don't blame her!) but also won't leave the house at all, so I will really need to look after her all the time.

I want to spend some time just with my DSDs, but it doesn't look possible. :( I just want to be able to take them out and do the sorts of mummy things that I usually do with them, without DSD taking over. She does like to be the center of attention (has been an only child most of her life) and everything tends to revolve around her.

I am really feeling sad about the summer holidays already. I feel as though I will be wasting all my annual leave looking after DSD and not having any quality time with my own girls. Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Stealthpolarbear · 13/05/2015 06:21

the age gap can't be that big. the elfest must be abt 12
i assumed op was trying to entertain toddlers as well as a teen

Branleuse · 13/05/2015 06:40

I think you need to stop worrying about your feelibgs towards her, whether you get on with your dds better when shes not around etc. My younger two are easier when my teenager isnt around. My teenager is also easier when my youngest arent around. Less kids are easier than more. This isnt a flaw on your dsds part or on anyones, and it has no deep meaning. Your dsd should be able to stay home sometimes if she doesn't want to leave the house, and if she keeps pulling that one, then you need to call in one of her other parents. Be assertive about it

Branleuse · 13/05/2015 06:41

after all, seems like everyone else is being assertive with you

MythicalKings · 13/05/2015 06:46

OP is unjustly getting a hard time. There are 2 other DCs here and they have a right to a nice day out without it being spoiled by DSD making it all about her. They are every bit as important as DSD.

Tell DSD's parents that you will be having days out with DDs and they will have to make alternative childcare. Tell DSD you are going "wherever". If she wants to go tell her what behaviour you expect.

Leave her at home on her own if she doesn't want to go. She's 16 not 6.

youarekiddingme · 13/05/2015 07:02

I think it's the building independence and developing friendships she needs support with.

I think you'd find your own 16yo DD draining if she was like this.

What about some kind of reward system but one aimed at a teenager?

So mornings - she takes little ones to school, has a chore or 2 whilst you work. Then her 'reward' is lunch together. It could just be out in the garden and a good time to chat.

Then she tidies and collects little ones from school whilst you work again.
Just tell her simply you have to work between x and y time but she can talk to you about whatever she wants any other time.

What about setting her her own summer project? (I'm guessing she has exams to get through first?).

A budget and she can find somewhere for you all to go for a week and activities? Certain restrictions like everyone gets to chose one activity from her a list - she researches them but doesn't have autonomy over every activity you participate in.

Try and imagine (and take it as compliment she wants you) being a 16yo girl, at a life changing crossroads of their life (exams/college) and not having much contact with your mum. It's a scary time.

2fedup · 13/05/2015 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheapSunglasses · 13/05/2015 21:17

Tell her to go and entertain herself because you need to work

Find a nice activity for her for the summer and drive her to it

Tell her you are working and between X time and X time you do not want to be disturbed unless it is an emergency

Write up a rota with her to see what her plans are

Tell her you would really like say Monday's to be just little kids activity days

Put some structure into the holidays

You could help your DSD find an interest

make sure DH has some time alone with her

You really need to build that responsibility into her

DSD should be included in family days out. Plan them over the weekend so everyone, including DH, can attend

AND HER DAD? WHAT SHOULD HE DO??

yellowdaisies · 13/05/2015 22:04

Her dad isn't the person who's posted for advice though is he sunglasses? The OP wants to know what she can do. Some of the suggestions do involve trying to get DSD's dad more involved. But she is her DSM and the parent who'd doing most of her day to day care. She can, and should, try to help DSD herself, not just say "you're her dad, you sort her out"

thepurplehen · 13/05/2015 22:12

"She is the step mum and doing most of the day to day care".

Does that not matter if that's the step mums or child's choice or not?

It's no ones responsibility but the girls parents to look after her.

thepurplehen · 13/05/2015 22:13

"She is the step mum and doing most of the day to day care".

Does that not matter if that's the step mums or child's choice or not?

It's no ones responsibility but the girls parents to look after her.

yellowdaisies · 13/05/2015 22:24

I would assume it's the couples's choice that they've made the OP is at home most of the summer holidays looking after the children, whilst her DP is working. Not DSD's choice I don't suppose. But if the OP isn't her primary carer, who is? Clearly not her own DM, and not really her DF either if he's working all through the summer.

Maybe the OP's DP would love her to go out and get a better paid job, so he could work part time and see more of his DCs? Who knows? But once the decision is made over who's earning money at who's at home with the children, I don't think you can turn round and say: "But I'm only caring for my children. It's your responsibility alone to care for yours (at the same time as going out to work and earn money for me and our other DCs of course.....)"

And to some extent it's a relationship problem between the OP and her DSD. She does need to set her own boundaries in place more clearly - eg telling DSD to leave her alone when she's working. Nobody can really do that for her.

Bellejessleo · 13/05/2015 22:54

Sorry but your poor step-daughter..you are her stepmother so surely you have a vested interest in her well-being, and she is part of your family so you can't just pick and choose when you want her around. I bet she feels every inch of your annoyance at her presence.

Quesera21 · 14/05/2015 08:29

How would you feel if your DP told you he did not want your 2 in the house for x length of time, because he wanted time on his own with his child.

There would be righteous indignation on this board.

Original poster

stepmothersknockers · 14/05/2015 09:27

We both work full-time but dh's job is extremely demanding and he isn't really 'allowed' a day off. It's the nature of the job.

I have already told him that I am going to be taking my dds away on my own and booked a couple of slightly grim cheap breaks away.

Yes, I know dad gets upset when I am all "mumsy" with my dds. That is EXACTLY why I need time alone with them. I am far more aloof when we are all together because I don't want dsd to feel bad. But that means my dds miss out of the intimate, trusting time we have when we are alone and the dynamic is very different.

Likewise, when my two aren't around the dynamic is very different with dsd. She talks more and we hve a lot of more grown up chats and talks about growing up etc. That only happens when we are on our own and because I see more of her than my own dds we get that one on one time. But my own dds don't.

Thanks for the links to NCS - there's one near us and it looks very interesting so I will definitely follow that up.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 14/05/2015 11:26

I do know how you feel OP, I'm exactly the same with my DCs - just more intimate, more relaxed, with just them. When the DSC are around I'm conscious of needing to treat them all fairly, and to some extent that means stepping away from being so close to my own, so that I'm not making the DSC feel left out. I'd find it hard if they were living with us 24/7- I get at least a night or two a week with just mine and really value them. I'm also doing a few days camping with just mine at half term, though my DH is off work at that time so he's having some time with his DCs, so it all feels fair still.

But like your DP, mine works long hours and if the DSC are around in the week then it is me who's looking after them really. I don't resent doing that, but I would start to crave time with just my own DC if they were always around. Think it would be good for you and for your DSD if you can help her find something to do with her long summer holiday. I did quite a bit of volunteering at that age.

SoldierBear · 14/05/2015 12:57

Your DHs job might be demanding but so is his DD! He needs to take responsibility for that and help her become independent

Tryharder · 14/05/2015 18:50

Your DD sounds like Cinderella.

If she lives with you and you are married to her Dad, you should treat her like you do your own DDs.

I can't believe for a minute that people think it's ok for you to go off on jollies with your DDs and leave her at home.

Branleuse · 14/05/2015 19:01

wow.

You really shouldnt have married a man who already had a child

StillProcrastinating · 14/05/2015 19:30

I feel very sad for DSD, but I'm sure you don't let her know how you feel in real life.

TendonQueen · 14/05/2015 19:45

OP is getting an unfairly hard time here given that she's the only one in a parental role who does anything for this girl at the moment, and now she's being criticised for not wanting to do more. I agree with the posters saying where's her dad in all this? Sure, he has a demanding job, but he's only able to stay in that because of you, OP. If you weren't around, he would either have to take time off whether or not it was 'allowed' , or accept that his DD would be sitting at home alone all day. And why doesn't he want to take her anywhere himself at weekends or in evenings? He sounds like he has abdicated all parenting responsibilities because oh look, you're there and you can do it. Not on and he needs to step up.

MetallicBeige · 14/05/2015 19:48

Op have you posted before about DSD wanting to come everywhere, including toddler sessions at soft play? I do see your point with spending time with your dd's, it's a hard balancing act to make sure everybody feels secure and happy.

Her dad needs to step up a bit and get to the bottom of what's going on, being so helpless and needy isn't the norm for most in that age group, they're generally chomping at the bit for independence.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 14/05/2015 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheapSunglasses · 14/05/2015 21:12

Some posters have missed that OP has a full time, demanding job too. Just like her DH does.

Yet all the childcare over the holidays is somehow her problem.

Branleuse · 14/05/2015 22:47

no but it aint the neighbours kid. Its her stepdaughter who lives there.

PeruvianFoodLover · 15/05/2015 07:39

If she lives with you and you are married to her Dad, you should treat her like you do your own DDs.

I'm sure the OPs DSD would prefer it if her parents gave her the love and attention that she is apparently seeking from the OP.

Even if the OP did treat her DSD "like one of her own", that isn't a substitute for the DSD own parents involvement.

I'm surprised so many people seem to think that as long as someone loves & parents the DSD, then she'll be ok.

I also think it is very unfair on the OPs other DCs if she is giving them less time and commitment in order to step in and fill a gap left by her DSD parents.

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