Can't there just be a topic called "Ending it all" with this disclaimer at the top:
Threads started in here may be serious, they may be sickfucks trolls, either way, MNHQ reserves the right to deal with them as they see fit, either by tracking down the OP with medical help, ignoring them entirely if eg Loose Women is on or posting their previous names for everyone else to discuss. We would be grateful if posters didn't munch popcorn whilst reading threads in this topic, because it is unbecoming.