Did anyone leave a London life they loved for the countryside and regret it?

[lizwells2020]

Did anyone leave a London life they loved for the countryside and regret it?

We live in a lovely, villagey part of East London. We’re close friends with several families on our street, all with children around our son’s age. He’s four, very happy at a fantastic school, and we have a full life here. We go to the theatre, meet friends, do activities. On paper, I’m describing exactly the sort of life I always wanted.
But since having him, I’ve started to find London exhausting. Everywhere feels busy. I’m constantly watching for him running off, managing crowds, and feeling on edge. Even when we go somewhere wonderful, I’m often not enjoying it. I just feel overwhelmed. More and more, I want space, quiet and a view out of the window that isn’t another building.
This is strange for me. I moved to a city at 17, have lived in London for 20 years, and always loved being in the thick of things. I can’t tell whether something fundamental has changed, or whether this is simply what life feels like with a young child and a demanding job. I work from home most days but need to be in London twice a week; my husband also mostly works from home. We’re hoping to have another baby soon.
I’ve also begun to wonder whether so much choice is actually making us happier. I love that my son can see brilliant shows and do almost anything we think of, but does a child need all that? Would a local theatre production, a few familiar cafés and more time outdoors be just as good? I’m using fewer of London’s endless options myself these days, and I’m certainly not looking for nights out until 2am.
We’re looking at somewhere properly rural: five minutes’ drive to the nearest village, 15 minutes to a station, then an hour into London. There isn’t really anywhere to walk to. In my head, we’d make friends through school and local groups, explore the nearby villages, and still have a rich, busy life, just with a car involved. I’m aware that might be a rather romantic picture, especially when it’s dark and raining and everyone needs a lift.
My biggest fear is giving up the friends and community we already have, then feeling lonely or bored once the children are older. I also wonder what rural life is like for teenagers. But I’m equally worried about ignoring this strong feeling that the life I used to love no longer quite fits.
Has anyone made this kind of move when it felt like a complete change of personality? Did the craving for space last, or did you find yourself missing the city once your children got older? I’d really appreciate honest experiences, including regrets.

We lived close to a big city centre and in a busy Subarb with lots going on. For various reasons we moved our children to a very rural school which had space when they were 5 and 7, then after a year decided we wanted to be rural too and moved.

It has been idyllic as you describe. Our house has beautiful views and family life has been great, the schools had more outside space and time and we’ve found our children wanted for less.

However, they are now teenagers. They bus to school and there are real drawbacks. We spend all our lives taxiing them all over. I don’t feel the eldest has as much awareness of life outside our bubble and I wonder for him whether now he would have been so much better closer to action and a city. Interestingly they both say they love the countryside and wouldn’t want to move or live in a city, but I think it might have done them good to be a bit more independent earlier on. They can’t walk to a shop even and rely on us for lifts everywhere.

So there are positives and negatives. We are very happy living rurally and once the kids move on, we will stay rurally definitely. Both husband and I commute into London, him every week and me once or twice a month, and we’re always glad to get back. We did agree when we moved we would always budget to enable us to get taxis in to see friends etc for nights out and we have stuck with that. Overall we would say the move was right for us and gave the kids a brilliant childhood and sense of freedom that I don’t think we had in the city.

I lived in London for 15 years and then moved into a seaside town, and then recently to a village in Cambridgeshire. I loved my 20s / early 30s in London but like you, with a small child and just getting older I suppose, the traffic/tube/not enough nature was getting to me.

I didn't love the seaside town - we moved for family and I found it not removed enough from the 'city life' whilst also lacking the best bits of city life (for me - everyone is different, but I loved the culture, architecture and opportunities London had to offer), but we did make good friends there and that's the only part I felt sorry about when leaving for the countryside earlier this year.

I absolutely love living in a village here. Cambridge is 20 mins away, station 15 mins away, I commute to London once a week and it works fine. I love the fields and woods and rivers. Being surrounded by stunning walks, dog loves them too. Being so close to Cambridge which to me is the best of London, with its culture and beauty and things to do. Lovely small nursery, lovely schools here. Only been a few months and although I'm an introvert, we have made friends - neighbours and others, and I expect this will be even easier when my little one starts school. I do not miss any part of London now.

However leaving London several years ago coincided with a major career transition for me and looking back now, I went through a couple of years of identity shift, readjustement and a degree of grief. I missed London a lot in that initial period. I missed the 'old me' and what London represented there. I do not miss it anymore, not at all.

I was born in London and lived there until my 30s. When we had one small child and I was pregnant with our second, we moved to a rural location. The only amenities within walking distance are the pub, post office and village shop - otherwise it's 5 miles to the nearest town (although only 30 mins on the train to London).

It's been great. The kids had a big garden and went to a nice village primary school and a good local secondary school. I think they've had a calmer childhood than I did growing up in london.

I agree with @ninetofiveeveryday that it gets harder when they're teenagers and involves a LOT of driving them around (as I didn't want them to miss out on extra curricular activities or social events). It's easier again now that two of them can drive!

We moved from London to a village on the edge of a city with amenities and a reasonably regular bus service. Honestly I’d not have wanted to go more rural than this, it’s a shock to the system coming from zone 2. I loved the peace and seeing the stars from day 1, but it is boring. Wayyyy more boring! Housing is cheaper but everything else is more expensive (eg council tax, activities).

It’s been harder to make friends than I expected as we are a bit different from the norm in our village. But I did make some friends through work. I can see that the kids have relaxed in their bodies now there’s much less sensory input. They can have many more freedoms now, I don’t worry about them out on their bikes. The schools are still good and not authoritarian nor hothousing. I think it will be a good upbringing overall. But it’s a very personal decision. Consider looking for the walkable villagey setup you have in London elsewhere as it will be much easier to adjust.

We did this - moved from a flat in Zone 1 to a rural house in the Home Counties. It’s located down a gravel track surrounded by park and farmlands. No visible neighbours.

pros:
unparalleled space, privacy and access to nature
calmer, safer, cleaner and less stressful in general
we now have a huge fruit and veg garden
we now have a dog
only 10 min drive to nearest town
wonderful local school

cons:
much less diversity - people are very samey here
less human contact & risk of becoming a hermit
must drive everywhere
Restaurants are nothing like London
Rural living means winters are dark & wet

I still miss London 12 years on. But I don’t regret leaving because I’m pretty sure the overall quality of DC’s unbringing is better here, and that means more to me than enjoying London life.

i found making friends easier in the suburbs than in London, for what it’s worth.

I live rurally and my youngest is 19 and has just started at Uni in London. She is really enjoying being in a city (elder is also at uni). Rural life is hard for teenagers, school catchments can be huge so their friends often live an hour and a half’s drive away. Until they can drive (neither of mine have passed their test yet) they are completely reliant on you for lifts as buses are infrequent and bus stops creepy in the dark.
We moved back home to bring up children closer to our families, and I am glad we did that, it was much easier being closer to ailing elderly parents for a start, and there were educational reasons that were important and have worked out well, but city life is definitely better for teens. They get bored and fed up when they are home. I lived in a city as a teenager, and it was great.
We do get people moving here who either seem a bit bored , join everything, and are very competitive and hyper, or some who get quite depressed. DH’s Dad left London to live rurally with his Mum, and he did get really depressed.
It’s also common for people to retire here and then move back nearer to their DC and big hospitals as they get older and there are grandchildren.
I too lived in London and found the huge number of choices weirdly stressful at times, so I understand that feeling. I do think it’s easier being in a city when your dc are very small though, in London you have all the wonderful parks and places to go. It’s the 5-11 years that are good rurally. That’s really not very long, so I would think about how you would feel living somewhere very quiet through a long wet Winter, and having to drive everywhere, even to the shop.
Pros of city life - things to do, good public transport, always people to chat to, health care. (An hour to get to A&E in good weather, impassable roads in bad weather, is the thing I find most stressful living rurally). Pros of country life - cleaner air, bigger gardens, quiet, a gentler pace of life, depending on what else you are juggling.
I would have added that rural children have a slightly easier time growing up and can be kids for longer, but with smart phones and the internet that has really changed.

OP, I had similar cravings when my DD was young. I'm from a very rural background, grew up in a tiny village miles from anywhere and hated being dependent on my parents for lifts as a teenager. But when my DD was small, I craved the open space and peace. We couldn't move because of work (remote working wasn't a thing then) so we stayed in London. We're out the other side now and I can say I still love being in London. My DD is 18 now and also loves London - she's a quiet, introverted teen but loves theatre so we've made the most of that (cheap tickets available for most shows). Having said all that, we're in a very nice, safe area of London so I didn't worry too much about her being out and about. Life might have been different in another area. I think London has been good for her in many ways - independence (she was travelling into central London on her own at 13), diversity of friends from all ethnicities and backgrounds, used to crowds (although she doesn't like them) and busy scenarios etc etc. So a childhood in London is possible, it's just different!

As an aside I found having a dog much easier in central London because of the huge parks. So much livestock rurally that it’s harder to let your dog belt around safely and meet lots of doggie friends.

It doesn’t have to be either of 2 extremes. You can move somewhere quieter that still has lots to do

I grew up in the country. I will never live, or expect my DC to live, anywhere that is not within walking distance of a train station, a few shops and cafes, a sports club and other activities for them to do and where they are reliant on me to ferry them around to see their friends the whole time.

It may have been different for us growing up than it would be for your DC as my parents had limited money, were time poor and were often stressed and depressed. But especially in winter, the isolation from growing up in that environment and being stuck in the house with nowhere to go and no one to visit is like a dark shadow etched on my soul, even though I can appreciate now how beautiful it is and I enjoy visiting for a few days at a time. Each to their own, but it's not an experience I'd want my own children to have.

I would not subject my kids to the isolation of rural living. Having experienced it myself, it was hellish. My young teen is loving growing up in London - the best schools in the country, plenty of freedom, friends in walking distance, she has the life of Reilly

I grew up rurally, left for a city as soon as I could, ended up in London, and while I occasionally thought about going back once the kids came, memories of teenage years begging for lifts (or just not going out because I couldn't afford the taxi back) quickly dissuade me. Even walking around the village to meet local friends wasn't the ideal everyone thinks as most roads were national speed limit with no pavement or streetlights, I hated it during the day and wasn't allowed after dark which was really limiting in winter.
Admittedly as a mum I don't love my 14 year old walking around after dark on his own so will usually give him a lift in the evenings, but I also know independence is important and he's getting so much more of that growing up in Outer London than I ever had in my village. I admit if I lived more centrally, or in a less safe part of London I might think differently.

I was born in London and lived there until I was 10, then my parents moved us to a very rural area. At first it was great fun having woods and rivers to explore, but by the time I was in my teens I was so frustrated with the lack of choice. There was a bus twice a week and I couldn't walk anywhere as it was too far and just country lanes. Parents decided driving me around was too much of a bother so I spent most of my teens in my room bored out of my mind.
I moved back to London for uni and met DH. We moved to the South West a few years ago and aren't anywhere near as rural as I was as a child, but it can still feel a bit lacking in anything interesting to do and the DCs no longer want to frolic in the woods all weekend. If I had my time again I'd have probably stayed in London when the DCs were small because I do think it gives them a more interesting upbringing. Unfortunately we can't afford to ever go back.

If you're unsure you could consider letting your London house and renting in the country?

I grew up in London and moved out for a rural, peaceful, outdoor life for my children. We live in a beautiful village with primary school, shop, cafe, pubs and stunning walks 10 mins drive from the nearest small city. School bus stopped outside our house to take them to secondary school 10 mins away. One of the most important things I did was choose a village with a train station that takes 10 mins into small city and 30 mins into a big city, that gave them freedom as teenagers and was great. They had a bucolic childhood and have a huge appreciation for nature and feel extremely lucky to have experienced that.

For university they moved away and all ended up in London at some point. Which is great as they experience all that London has to offer at an age which they can really make the most of it, which they have, and some continue to do so. Having had the country life and city life experiences they are beginning to move back once having their own families for a similar childhood that they have experienced.

For us it was the best thing we've ever done.

We are in London and sometimes consider moving to the country - but I worry about opportunities for kids outside of big cities. What will they do for work expeciance? first jobs etc... won't it be harder for them?

Thank you so much, everyone. These replies have been truly helpful. It’s striking how much our own childhoods seem to shape what we imagine will be good for our children.

I grew up in Tunbridge Wells, which is a lovely place by most measures, but I was miserable there and couldn’t wait to leave. My family wasn’t very sociable, we rarely had people round, and we didn’t really make use of what was nearby. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’ve blamed the town for something that wasn’t really about the town at all. My husband grew up in the countryside and is quite anti-suburbia, so between us we’ve developed this fear that a town might feel like neither the city life we love nor the space and tranquillity we’re craving.

What I really want is a home where we can have friends over, where the children can have friends round, and where we have a big garden and room to breathe. If we move, I’d want it to make those things possible, because I’m finding that houses in many places outside London aren’t dramatically more affordable!

We’re interested in the Goudhurst/Cranbrook area, although we’re not wedded to it. The house we’re considering is about 15 minutes’ drive from a station and 5 mins drive into Cranbrook. Several of you have made a compelling point about teenagers needing independent transport. I’d imagined we could drive them to the train, but perhaps I’m underestimating how much of their freedom would depend on us.

If anyone is comfortable sharing the places they moved to, or places they think strike a good balance, I’d love to hear them. And thank you again for taking the time to reply.

I don't think it's fair for teens' freedom to depend entirely on their parents being able/willing to drive them about. They should live somewhere where they can travel to see friends and to part time jobs independently, without feeling like they're imposing on you or having to depend on you being free. In my own experience, turning up at university having spent a large chunk of my teen years unable to socialise freely with friends or having had any sort of part time job (because there was nothing available around us, not even a cafe) really put me behind everyone else in terms of normal development.

There’s a reason why Oxford, Cambridge, Bristol and Brighton cost a fortune to move to: they offer that feeling of more space and less stress while still having things to do, allowing children to potter and teenagers to be independent, at (just about) a commutable distance from London.

I still miss London at times 25 years after leaving. There’s nowhere quite like it. But having grown up in a village just outside Tonbridge I think I know exactly what you mean, and I am infinitely happier in a city than I ever was in suburban Kent. Raising a child in one of the small cities listed above has been plain wonderful. Even my mother, who would rather live literally in the middle of nowhere, came to understand that I wasn’t living in a city purely through necessity when she saw the life that ds had. I can choose rural solitude or high end theatre and plenty of other things, every day.

I agree that rural living is wonderful in the primary school years - but they don't last very long! For teenagers there are huge advantages to being in a city: not just independence, but a wide range of activities and people. If you are in any way quirky, it's great to have the choice that a big city provides.

I'd also add as for young adults having a parental home in London is a huge advantage - it makes London unis more of an affordable options, and allows you to establish a career while living at home and saving. It's also worth saying that as somebody whose DC has just left home, I would love to be living in London so that I could make full use of my new-found freedom!

Like quite a few others on here.. I grew up rurally. My parents had bought a do-er upper farmhouse and it all looked idyllic from the outside. Home grown vegetables, horses, huge garden and beautiful surroundings and walks.

All fine until you are a teen. It felt very isolated. You had to be driven in a car to go to a shop/ bus stop,school bus, no friends closer than a 10/15 minute drive away. I felt isolated and miserable. It was particularly hard from age 15 onwards when you really do want more independence.

Even when I passed my driving test, there was always the matter or how to get home if you fancied a few drinks on a night out.

I didn’t move back after uni and moved to London. It’s been home for 30 years now and I would never move to the countryside. My DC are now 17 and 20 and have loved growing up in London and everything it has to offer.

They are not reliant on me for lifts any more, they have a really diverse group of friends and have benefitted hugely from growing up here. We live in Zone 2 but it feels like a village where everyone knows everyone (which has its drawbacks too on occasions!)

I suppose the ideal (though not workable for many) in your situation would be to move out of London whilst your DC are young and move back when they are older. It helps that I have always loved it here too.

What I really want is a home where we can have friends over, where the children can have friends round, and where we have a big garden and room to breathe

We have all of this in zone 3. We're also near green spaces to go for long walks and an easy commute to work or town. I look at my teens who go and meet friends in central London, Southbank, Ally Pally or any of the hundreds of parks and feel relieved that we stayed where we are. The only thing that tempts me would be to be by the sea, but I don't think I could swap the convenience of London for it.

We moved to somewhere rural (though from another city, not London) and we love it, but we're in the minority of families who've moved into the area. Most sell up again within the first two years. I think you have to go into it with your eyes open and being realistic about what it will be like.

Just make sure you're ready for power outages and getting snowed in. You have to be quite organized and reasonably self-sufficient. I would also say that rural communities can be quite insular and can seem unwelcoming at first, and you have to be the one to make the effort to meet people and hang on in there a bit. We also spend a huge amount of time facilitating our teen dc's social lives.

But, we've been here nearly 18 years and if never want to live anywhere else. It's quiet and it's beautiful and we have space, and my garden and my animals bring me untold joy.

I would really think this through very carefully. I know people who ultimately were happy with that decision, but I actually know more who weren't. And if you sell when moving out of London, there is almost no way back. I have friends who still regret that decision 20 years on. We moved from London to the outskirts of a small town in the countryside - and ultimately hated it. Managed to move to the nearest city with a population of ca 120,000 six years later and I will forever be grateful that we did. Also small kids turn into teens and my older son who is into drama would have never had the opportunities otherwise, let alone his job at a theatre while he was in college. Personally, I found small town life stifling and the excessive gossip and judgement awful. And I missed cinemas, theatres, cafés, museums etc. But each to their own - just think it through properly.

We live rurally. The nearest villages are about 2 miles away, as are the nearest bus stops. There are no pavements between us and the villages. Cars do 60mph along most of the roads. Think VERY carefully before moving to an isolated property, preferably without rose-tinted glasses. You will be providing a mum/dad taxi A LOT until your children are sufficiently mature to be safe cycling on their own or learn to drive. Kids are less self-sufficient and friendships are more difficult to maintain when kids can't just randomly knock at their mate's and they're having to rely on you to go anywhere.