Did anyone leave a London life they loved for the countryside and regret it?

[lizwells2020]

Did anyone leave a London life they loved for the countryside and regret it?

We live in a lovely, villagey part of East London. We’re close friends with several families on our street, all with children around our son’s age. He’s four, very happy at a fantastic school, and we have a full life here. We go to the theatre, meet friends, do activities. On paper, I’m describing exactly the sort of life I always wanted.
But since having him, I’ve started to find London exhausting. Everywhere feels busy. I’m constantly watching for him running off, managing crowds, and feeling on edge. Even when we go somewhere wonderful, I’m often not enjoying it. I just feel overwhelmed. More and more, I want space, quiet and a view out of the window that isn’t another building.
This is strange for me. I moved to a city at 17, have lived in London for 20 years, and always loved being in the thick of things. I can’t tell whether something fundamental has changed, or whether this is simply what life feels like with a young child and a demanding job. I work from home most days but need to be in London twice a week; my husband also mostly works from home. We’re hoping to have another baby soon.
I’ve also begun to wonder whether so much choice is actually making us happier. I love that my son can see brilliant shows and do almost anything we think of, but does a child need all that? Would a local theatre production, a few familiar cafés and more time outdoors be just as good? I’m using fewer of London’s endless options myself these days, and I’m certainly not looking for nights out until 2am.
We’re looking at somewhere properly rural: five minutes’ drive to the nearest village, 15 minutes to a station, then an hour into London. There isn’t really anywhere to walk to. In my head, we’d make friends through school and local groups, explore the nearby villages, and still have a rich, busy life, just with a car involved. I’m aware that might be a rather romantic picture, especially when it’s dark and raining and everyone needs a lift.
My biggest fear is giving up the friends and community we already have, then feeling lonely or bored once the children are older. I also wonder what rural life is like for teenagers. But I’m equally worried about ignoring this strong feeling that the life I used to love no longer quite fits.
Has anyone made this kind of move when it felt like a complete change of personality? Did the craving for space last, or did you find yourself missing the city once your children got older? I’d really appreciate honest experiences, including regrets.

I moved from a vibrant part of East London to the burbs, edge of Essex. I hated it. Lockdown made me appreciate the access to the countryside more but I still love going into London, gives me such a buzz and I would like to live there when I retire. The countryside is nice for a holiday but there's a lack of energy, lack of multiculturalism, lack of stimulation...for me. I love a nice view but it soon becomes the norm. I'm grateful to still be on the tube and my teenagers can travel all over by themselves. If you move, I think good access to public transport is important so they can get to school, meet friends, work, have their own lives to an extent.

I grew up in Z2/3 and now live in z4. Thing is London wasn’t as busy in my youth so my life now is very similar to my life growing up. Rural life is not for me.

I lived rurally as a teenager and hated it. I missed so many after school opportunities because of a lack of transport and meeting my friends out of school was really difficult.

I moved to Sheffield from London and I love it- lots to do, very easy to make friends (it feels like a big village), 5-10 mins drive to the Peaks but you don’t have to actually live in the arse end of nowhere. Was in London 30 years prior to that and never thought I’d leave.

Why do you want to go so rural?

And I moved to Leeds from London, but I live nearer Sheffield now.

It sounds as though you are looking at the opposite extreme of what you have now. Could you think about looking at something halfway between the two? I just think the type of rural you’re describing could be quite a shock to the system after London.

I’m not a city dweller and have only been so briefly, and it wasn’t for me so maybe I’m not the best person to comment, but I live in a town with a beach, and some lovely countryside very close by. I feel like we have the best of both worlds. When my kids were little, on the weekends we could take them to the beach or the hills for a good runaround in the wild, but we also had the town with the theatre and cinema and community events, and a city a short train ride away for bigger events and a bigger choice of restaurants etc.

Ironically OP, we moved from zone 3 London to to Tunbridge Wells and love it! We live right on the edge of town so we have fields and woods in one direction (we often see deer near our house), but the town centre is only 20 mins walk away. Nowhere of course beats London for the sheer diversity of restaurants but we have a pretty good selection now (there's even a new Korean tapas place just opened, which I must check out). Every so often the local theatre shows something decent (we took the kids to see Six over the summer) and it's lovely to just be able to walk there and not faff with tubes etc.

Even though there is so much to do in London, I find the crowds just make it hard and draining. For example, 5th November fireworks - the big displays in the London parks are so busy, it takes forever to get in and again to leave (just not fun with tired kids). Now we just go to a much more low key one at a local primary school 10 mins drive away, home in good time for bed and it's actually enjoyable - same for Christmas lights, shopping, playgrounds etc.

I would think carefully about going properly rural though, especially if you've never lived like that. Most cases of "moving out of London" regret I have read about, do seem to be from people who've moved to very rural places. I think it's easy to underestimate how annoying being totally dependent on a car is if you've never had to do it.

This!
It's not all or nothing OP.
We moved from a large city to small village close to small city and I'd say the kids had access to fabulous facilities, including cadets, niche sports clubs, brass band (50p a week), youth orchestra (£1 a week), drama clubs, cycling clubs, fishing clubs and safe for them to mooch around town as early teens.

How often do you actually go to the theatre with your son? Once a week or once a month or a few times a year? We took ours to London shows a few times a year and we lives 100s of miles away. It's easy to con yourself that you use facilities more than you do.

Personally I think you'd be bonkers. Life with a four year old and working is busy no matter where you are. Throw in driving yourself and your kids everywhere for the rest of your life on top of that, no thanks. But I like a city.

You need to ask yourself a question: do you like driving absolutely everywhere, all the time? For me the answer to that question will always be no. I HATE driving to go to the doctors, school, the shops, to visit a friend... once you have teenagers the driving multiplies more than you can ever imagine - and late night drives are often unavoidable, in rain, in fog, when you're exhausted... it's a poor quality of life IMO.

I have lived rurally with all the perks, land, outbuildings etc and now live centrally in a mid-size city (with teens) and for me the quality of life is incomparable.
Depending on your budget I would aim to be in or very near (with excellent transport links) a cycle-able city like Oxford, Cambridge, Brighton... all expensive but not quite as expensive as London.

I think as long as you have a garden (even a small one), local parks and nice walks you can drive to the advantages of rural life are massively exaggerated. It's a kind of existential yearning people get with young kids (I had it!), who don't realise they will be teens very fast and just needing independence (or a constant chauffeur!). Of course some people genuinely love rural life but only you know whether that is you, longer term.

My mother went from a leafy London area with active social life and enjoyable work life to rural Wales when I was a kid.

She regretted it for years and once there couldn't afford to move back because housing market had moved on.

All her children had to move away once left school because not many jobs in area. Therefore we are scattered around the UK depending on where opportunities were best at the time we left school/University.

She is now aging and living somewhere that will be very difficult to manage basic life stuff once she can no longer drive

I live in Kent, so have access to a 37 min train ride up to London but live somewhere rural. I don’t often go up to London as find it exhausting and expensive, but if you’ve lived somewhere like here you probably would.

My point is that if you choose somewhere rural but with easy travel distance to London you have the best of both worlds.

Re kids, yep they’ll whinge when growing up about lack of facilities but they’ve had a very safe place to become independent in. I don’t worry about giving them freedom here, whereas in a city I’d be paranoid. So swings and roundabouts really. As you say, cars are key, most teens here learn at 17 so factor in car costs etc. I know a lot of teens and actually none of them actually want to live in a city, they also feel the rhythm of city life is too much for them if they’ve grown up rurally.

Good luck deciding, it’s a tough call.

We’re not too far ftom you in E17. My DH grew up in a village. He loved it till he was a teen, then hated it as he was stuck and there wasn't much to do. He didn’t want that for our DCs.
We now have teens who make the most of what London has to offer without needing to rely on us to ferry them around.
DH and I are also having a resurgence in our social life now that are kids can be left at home safely. I love the variety and vibrancy of whats on offer on my doorstep, but also go up into central London more than I have since my early 20s (though now it’s usually for theatre / gallery shows rather than raving!)

I live in a villagey part of west london, and didn’t move. Would have been too worried about boredom, isolation, and reliance on car.
What I would say is that teenage years come round very quickly (only 10 years for you !), when all they want to do is go out and explore. If you are not around for constant lifts, they just sit around on their phones….
What I found (and still find) is that my world has shrunk since children. Unless it is work related, I never dream of going to zone 1, and we never go anywhere that feels urban. We stay in our villagey bit, walk or cycle to the local parks and cafes, eat out locally, and spend entire days in Richmond park. Sometimes I wonder why we bother staying in London since we don’t take advantage of it, but I like knowing it is there if i want it to be. And that my children will have a base for when they start working, which means I will see them for longer and it will help them financially.

F

We’ve mainly lived in villages but grew up in a northern town where everything was walking distance or a bus ride away. Then went to uni in a big city.

Our children are know mid/late20s and have moved straight to London as soon as they finished uni. They hardly ever come home as our village is v quiet and rural. I go up to London at least once a week/ fortnight to see them but really wish I lived near them too so they could pop over for Sunday lunch etc. Do not move.

We're in zone 5/6. Surrounded by green spaces and parks. Less than 20 mins into central London. Kids rarely need driving anywhere. Big house with a huge garden (admitted bought 20+ years ago when it was very affordable).

I feel we've really got the best of both worlds.

4 pages in and I am still finding it amusing that people seem to think it's only a choice of London or Tiny Rural Village.
There's plenty of TOWNS in the UK that have public transport and things for teenagers to do alongside easy access to nature and the countryside.

I think most people are actually advising the OP it's not one or the other... and this despite based on the OP herself presenting the choice as London vs very rural!

We moved out of London 25 years ago - to be able to afford a first family home. Moved further out 4 years later. Now kids have left for university, we are dipping our toe back into a return to London because we feel where we live is great for young families, but 10 years of having to drive my teens everywhere - actually of having to drive to everything, like pubs, hobbies etc - has taken its toll. Also all the ‘clubs’ are full of 70yos. Fed up of touring a gym, trialling a book club or creative writing class, or even Rock Club to find the average age of attendees is 75. Old enough to be my parents. Mainly because they are the generation that have money and retired early, whereas most people of my age are still working or helping out with grandkids childcare.

We now have a small flat in central London that DH uses for work and DD for university just to see if London might actually be where we choose to retire to, or whether we have romanticised it a bit. We’re very ambivalent as we love our family home itself to bits and the access to open spaces for our dogs - but other than that there is nothing here for us. We’re spending a fortune on dogsitters so I can join DH for shows, plays, visit museums etc. The London we see is actually cleaner, feels safer, has less traffic (and certainly less traffic than my local town). There times/places (waterloo late at night) when the drunks and ‘less desirables’ gather, but I just avoid those areas - and we’ve had periods of similar issues in the smaller, posh rural towns near us, so it’s a national issue.

We love the cultural diversity of London, over the homogeneity of the community we live in. It’s rare to see a non-european/white person outside a Turkish barber, vape/phone accessory shop or nail bar. As a person from a multi ethnic family I find that jarring. I love open spaces but in London I can literally walk along the Thames to Hyde Park, Regents Park, stroll past Buck Palace all of which are glorious in the spring and summer. And then on the return walk, I pick up cheap tickets to a play featuring Jonny Lee Miller, or Dominic West or Ewan McGregor (just a few I’ve seen on stage recently), or a musical, or the go to the ROH. The shops are full and thriving, unlike the high streets in most of the surrounding towns near me.

I grew up in Putney and Wimbledon, spent hours playing on the commons as a child, weekends walking and riding in my twenties, and could easily do the same today with my dogs in tow. My kids would also be more likely to live/work close by (or with us) if we were in London - they will never return home here as there are simply not the jobs/research opportunities in the industries they are interested in locally.

Hospital access is a joke here. I know of friends (or their parents) traipsing to multiple units in different hospital across the length and breadth of Surrey/Hants for cancer and geriatric care. Nothing is provided in a single clinical site so you have to be able to drive to every appointment. I know of friends whose parents move to Devon and Cornwall where this has caused considerable stress and difficulty once they are too old/ill to drive and so far away from their adult children. In London we are within a 10min walk/5min taxi ride of many of the best hospitals in the world for pretty every medical issue you can imagine.

So, whilst I don’t entirely regret moving here to raise my family, I think they potentially missed out on opportunities to build independence (using tubes, buses etc) and exposure to a more diverse society. Both have blossomed in uni, in terms of world outlook, resilience and are growing more confident as a result of now being able to be independent.

Once we’ve reconciled ourselves to letting our beloved home go, and DH is closer to retirement, I think we’ll be moving back.

Sorry, that was a long reply. Am in bed with a back problem… wrenched it in M&S or Pets@Home yesterday! 🤣 but I am not old yet. honest.

I live in a fairly rural location on the edge of the Lake District and have seen plenty of people come and go from London and other big cities in the time I've lived here. We love it here but there are disadvantages and it is not for everyone. I think people often move with a very idealised view of what rural life is like and then get a bit of a shock when reality hits home. We meet quite a few families who have holidayed in the area and decided that it's where they want to live, but visiting somewhere on holiday, even if you've done it multiple times, is very different to actually living there year round.
My advice to anyone planning a big change is not to buy a house immediately. We moved from a big city and rented at first for 2 reasons. Firstly, it makes it much easier to leave if it doesn't work out, and secondly it allows you to get to know a place and figure out where you do want to live because first impressions can be deceiving. The tourist hotspots may be beautiful but often not that great for "normal" life for instance. I'd recommend renting for at least 6-12 months if possible to get the lie of the land, and spend at least one Winter in your new place before you fully commit.

@AnonyMumAuDHDLondon is the only major city getting older

One of my good friends and colleagues used to live in London and relocated back to the midlands to Nottingham (village just outside) they love it and her husband still works in London 2 days a week - it’s only an hour on the train to Victoria so they still do shows and stuff
they sold a big ish house in Islington, they bought a 2 bed apartment in London and a house in Notts and are going to be mortgage free on both places within the next 2 years! They don’t regret it for a moment! The house they have here is bigger than the London house and they have a London apartment for weekends - best of both worlds

This is where we are now, but with mansion taxes, second home council tax premiums etc we don’t think it will be sustainable once we are retired/living on pensions, even with both properties being mortgage-free. I think at that time we will have to sell one of them (or both and relocate to a compromise location), so we’re just making the most of having a foot in both locations - and exploring options with an eye to the future and where the DC end up being based.

We’re extremely fortunate, though. For OP and people with younger families, the move is complicated by children’s schools. A move that doesn’t work out, even if opting to rent initially, isn’t easily reversed if you can’t get places at the same schools for your children and their friendship circles have evolved without them. Don’t envy them that predicament.