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Original poster

Told my brother's wife he was cheating............

78 replies

Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:09

Hey guys tell me if this is out of order.

Recently my bro and his wife have had serious problems and he said that he had had enough and left. I found out that he was having an affair and confronted him and told him that he should tell his wife if only to free her from the guilt that she was feeling that it was not all her fault. He denied having anything to do with other women.

A couple of hours after the confrontation he decided he was going back home. As his wife, (who I also consider a friend) had indicated that she would she would rather know what was going on, I called her and told her about my suspicions.

To cut the long story short I am now the enemy, I know in my heart he has done it, if not with the person in question then with someone else.

Was I out of order or is it a matter of shooting the messanger?

OP posts:
Toothache · 04/08/2005 14:12

Bigmistake - I'm afraid I think you were out of order!!

WHY WHY WHY??? He was going home to his wife wasn't he??? They could have sorted it out. AND how do you KNOW that he had an affair?

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:14

No he was not going home, I think he went home because he found out that I knew. He was staying with the other woman and saying that she was just a friend. She thought he was going back but he had no intentions of doing so until I confronted him.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 04/08/2005 14:15

Totally out of order, particularly as you don't even know for sure that he had an affair. Awful timing as well - he was going home and they could have sorted things out.

Toothache · 04/08/2005 14:16

BM - But you don't know that??!?! I mean what difference would it make if his wife found out if he was intending to stay with her anyway? That doesn't make sense.

Has this been a long term thing? Is it still going on??? And if he hasn't told you then how do you know?

collision · 04/08/2005 14:17

IME it is better to stay quiet as the messenger gets shot! Sooooo many people I know who have done this end up as the enemy, so although I think your intentions were right, I do think you should have kept quiet.

Sorry.

compo · 04/08/2005 14:18

The thing is though it's all too late. What's done is done. What is more important is trying to get your relationship with your brother and his wife back on track. How are you going about it?

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:20

I know he had an affair. It is a long story but I know. Ok here goes.

We all went out and my other bro was chating up the girl in question and she seemed a liitle shocked. So he asks my bro what was up with the girl and he says don't go there. So my other bro says why and my bro says just don't.

So he left it, but a little later one of my bros friends comes and asks my other bro why he was chating up his bros girlfriend. So he confronts my bro and he was very shifty about the whole situation.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 04/08/2005 14:21

Sorry, but that doesn't prove that he had an affair.

ScummyMummy · 04/08/2005 14:22

Oh dear, bm. Bad idea and sounds like it might be a a hard one to put right. Good luck.

NomDePlume · 04/08/2005 14:22

I think you should have kept you nose out hon, but what's done is done now. I agree with whoever said that what's important now is taking a step back and allowing your brother and his wife to work through it in the way that works best for them, and then b) getting your relationship with them back on track.

collision · 04/08/2005 14:22

But what were you hoping to gain by telling your SIL? What did she say when you told her? Why do they think you are the enemy?

compo · 04/08/2005 14:22

I think if you want a relationship with them you need to apologise

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:23

His friends know and she was bound to have found out sometime, I just didn't want her to be in one of those situations where you are the last to know. She trusts me and I did not want her to find out that I knew about it and never said anything.

OP posts:
RachD · 04/08/2005 14:23

Are you still in your brothers bad books or does his wife resent you aswell.
The messenger always gets shot, don't they ?

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:24

He has done it before they were married and that time l kept it quiet coz I thought that they had only known each other for a short time and probably it was not going to last.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 04/08/2005 14:25

i cant believe what you did! i would never do that to my brother, its his life and you have no business sticking noses in.

i think what you should have done is talk to your brother, and tell him you are concerned etc etc.

but that doesnt matter, the horse has bolted now

you need to mend the relationship with your brother and SIL, and you are going to have to work hard at it

AnotherHelen · 04/08/2005 14:26

Hiya im sorry hun i know it must be a tough situation but i really agree with collision! i have learned also that its best to try and be there if they need you but to get no more involved than that! its hard but the more you get involved, the more blame you are making yourself open to if things get nasty! i hope things get better soon! xx

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:26

I don't know for sure, but since this happened last week I have called him and he seems like he does not want to talk which I don't blame him for. But she has not communicated at all.

They are the ones who got me involved me in all this and she said that she would rather know.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 04/08/2005 14:29

do you live nearby? i think its best to go to their house rather than phone

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:30

Oh well I am going to try and mend fences and go back to minding my own business. I just felt really bad for her bacause I had not seen her for a while and when I saw her this time she was all depressed and looked like a shell of her former self. She used to be really outgoing and confident but we spent two days with them and she just kept busting into tears and he just seemed not to care.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 04/08/2005 14:30

I think you need to apologise for interfering, and then keep well away. Give them time to work out their relationship before you try and rebuild your relationship with them. But be aware that it could be a very long time before they forgive and forget, if they ever do.

Fio2 · 04/08/2005 14:31

wait til the dust settles, i am sure things can be sorted out. he sounds like a bit of a prickfaced toerag though and I am sure his wife will thank you for this one day

collision · 04/08/2005 14:32

I do understand why you did it so I dont think you should feel too bad. You obv think you have done the wrong thing as you have called yourself BigMistake.

I would want to know if DH was having an affair but I dont know if you really know that he is definitely having an affair. Could it just be a flirtation or a drunken kiss or something?

It is just that the one who spills the beans is the one who gets it the worst.

My grandad had an affair for 25 years and no one told my granny and she felt like such a fool as everyone else knew and she didnt. Im sorry that what you did has turned against you but human nature can be very unfair.

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:33

No they live 200 miles away.

I have never done anything to betray a family member, but I saw the same thing happen to my mom and I guess I just felt like he was becoming a mini version of my dad. Maybe I was wrong.

But for two months now he has not spent a weekend at home and does not want to say where he is, phone switched off and stuff hanging out with the girl in question.

OP posts:
RachD · 04/08/2005 14:33

Some people (e.g. your sil) say they want to know, and then when told, it is obvious that they didn't REALLY want to know !!

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