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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my brother's wife he was cheating............

78 replies

Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 14:09

Hey guys tell me if this is out of order.

Recently my bro and his wife have had serious problems and he said that he had had enough and left. I found out that he was having an affair and confronted him and told him that he should tell his wife if only to free her from the guilt that she was feeling that it was not all her fault. He denied having anything to do with other women.

A couple of hours after the confrontation he decided he was going back home. As his wife, (who I also consider a friend) had indicated that she would she would rather know what was going on, I called her and told her about my suspicions.

To cut the long story short I am now the enemy, I know in my heart he has done it, if not with the person in question then with someone else.

Was I out of order or is it a matter of shooting the messanger?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 04/08/2005 15:05

That wasn't clear from your first post. As I said, you obviously feel you've done the right thing, so why even put it up for discussion?

nailpolish · 04/08/2005 15:05

kind of agree with hunkermunker - you called yourself 'bigmistake' but now you seem to be trying to say you dont think it was a mistake. confused.

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:09

HM I see where you are coming from, I would not ask you guys what you thought if I did not need advise. I just wanted to see it from other people point of view. I asked also because I wanted to know know if I would have done it differently.

Sometimes we say things in a certain way then as questions are asked other sides of the matter come out. I know I probably should not have shopped him and normaly would not, but cheating ruined our family and I am not and will never sit back and see it done to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:11

I asked if you guys thought I was out of order or was it a matter of the messanger being shot.

OP posts:
Toothache · 04/08/2005 15:12

BM - I think you perhaps should have waited until asked.... rather than phoned her up to talk about it.... then she asks.

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:13

It's cool HM and NP I respect your point because I did come on here to ask peoples opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:14

I only told her when I did because she was asking him to come back and I wanted her to know before he did come back before making a decision without knowing what was going on.

OP posts:
Toothache · 04/08/2005 15:16

BM - I think the majority think that it wasn't your place to say anything.... a few think you did the right thing, but perhaps bad timing. At the end of the day... its done!

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:18

True.

Cool guys, I am now going off to lick my wounds. But just one more question, if it was you who had done this how would you proceed from here?

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 04/08/2005 15:26

Leave it, she has the information, its up to her how she deals with it.

nailpolish · 04/08/2005 15:26

lie low for a while then call SIL

is there a chance you will see her soon?

Toothache · 04/08/2005 15:26

Bigmistake - I think a wee card apologising is a good start. And explaining that you honestly thought you were doing the right thing.

Your Brother sounds like a right bastard TBH!!! Sorry if thats a bit harsh.

RachD · 04/08/2005 15:28

Like I said, I think he might take longer to come round than her.

I like nailpolish's idea of phoning her, at a time when you know he won't be there.

This did only happen last week, correct ?

So, it is very early days yet. There is a lot of healing to be donne by all. It will take a long time.

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:28

We were all supposed to meet at the end of the month for other Bro's birthday, but would like to at least be on civil terms with both so his day is not ruined.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 04/08/2005 15:29

is there someone who can be a middle man?

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:29

I think I will send that card, and hope for the best.

Thanks guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:31

No middleman, and even if I could find one then I think I would be in even more trouble with them for involving yet another person.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 04/08/2005 15:31

oh yeah, never thought of that. good luck x

Original poster
Bigmistake · 04/08/2005 15:31

Thank you all.

OP posts:
babysteffee · 04/08/2005 17:54

I think I'm probably the only one here but I think you did the right thing Bigmistake.

Last year my husband had an affair. I knew anyway, his behaviour change etc was pretty obvious, but it was with a friend of both myself and his sister (who I was also good friends with) and I think the thing that hurt me most was that she didn't tell me. Not only that but when things got quite nasty between me and dh over this, she made it clear that if dh and I broke up, we would no longer be friends.

We talked (dh and I) and got everything out in the open, and now I am still fairly good mates with his sister, BUT, while I understand that she was in a difficult position and chose to be loyal to her brother, I am still hurt that she didn't tell me and it has damaged our friendship. I don't trust her anymore.

It's a shame because in this situation, no matter what you do, it's gonna be wrong, but I think if I was your SIL, after the initial shock/hurt/whatever, I would at least still trust you, and that's the most important thing in a friend.

ggglimpopo · 04/08/2005 18:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Bigmistake · 05/08/2005 15:00

Thanks guys for all your replies, I contacted my bro and he is still upset with me (understandably) but my SIL sent me a message and she is not mad at me as she understands why I did it.

As some people have posted this will take time to heal. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Catsmother · 05/08/2005 15:08

I'm pleased that she understands BM.

Original poster
Bigmistake · 03/09/2005 01:15

Ok guys for those who have read the thread then all I can say is that I wish that I had not done it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmistake · 03/09/2005 01:19

I know that in the begining I thought that iit was better for the wife to know the truth and that she seemed to have been grateful to know the truth but now it seems that it has all changed.

I always operated on the principle of live and let live, I wish i stuck to it. My brother feels like I betrayed him and so do I. I wish I had not said a thing

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