Told my brother's wife he was cheating............

[Bigmistake]

Hey guys tell me if this is out of order.

Recently my bro and his wife have had serious problems and he said that he had had enough and left. I found out that he was having an affair and confronted him and told him that he should tell his wife if only to free her from the guilt that she was feeling that it was not all her fault. He denied having anything to do with other women.

A couple of hours after the confrontation he decided he was going back home. As his wife, (who I also consider a friend) had indicated that she would she would rather know what was going on, I called her and told her about my suspicions.

To cut the long story short I am now the enemy, I know in my heart he has done it, if not with the person in question then with someone else.

Was I out of order or is it a matter of shooting the messanger?

[oliveoil]

Noone knows what really goes on in a relationship apart from those directly involved, ie your brother and his wife.

If a friend of mine had asked me this, I would have fobbed her off then phones her dh and said you tell her or I will. Better coming from him imo.

Can you send them a letter explaining your reasons and apologising?

[collision]

It does sound to me like something is going on and I do think that some of the other MNetters are being a bit harsh with you.

Wouldnt you want to know if your DH was having an affair? Would you hold it against the person who told you or be grateful to them?

[Bigmistake]

I did give him a chance to tell her though. I told him on the phone to tell her or I would. He did not, so I did because to be honest with you I would rather know too.

If she was going to take him back then I wanted her to know about it before she made the desicion to do it.

[RachD]

LIke collision, I understand why you did it and think that you actually did do the right thing.

I would hate for one of my friends to know and not tell me.

Poor collision's nanny. She might have felt betrayed and that her marraige was partly a sham.

And your saw her crying, without his comfort.

She might come round before your brother does.

[WigWamBam]

I think some of us are being harsh because BigMistake has gone and told her SIL that her dh is having an affair without actually knowing the truth. Yes, he sounds like he's been behaving suspiciously, but there is no absolute proof, and if someone had done that to me, purely on the basis of hearsay, then I would be savage.

[Fio2]

I agree with collsion. I think you are being harsh on bigmistake too, after all her sister in law asked her, she told her what she believes is the truth. Its her brother who has been doing the dirty by the sounds of things

My Aunt lied for my dad for years, affair after affair and she thought she had upmanship on my Mum because she knew all my dads dirty little secrets, and for what? a marriage of deciet for my mum

[Bigmistake]

I think we all don't or would not want to believe it if we were told that we were being cheated on. To be honest with you I would have been more relactant to believe it if he had not done it before.

[Toothache]

Collision - Isn't "blood thicker than water" and all that? (HA thats good coming from me!!)

But it sounds a bit like a spur of the moment decision after a run-in with her Brother.... rather than a well thought out decision made with the best interests of her SIL in mind.

I'm probably wrong... but thats just what I get from the posts.

[MrsDoolittle]

It's a difficult one. On two occasions that I know of people have not said anything to friends when one of them has been cheating and friendships have been destroyed as a result.
On one occasion, my parents were (and I think many people) aware that a friends of theirs was cheating on his wife for years. It had been going on so long everyone knew, infact noone could understand how the wife in the relationship could not have known. The man was known to take summer holidays away with her.
Eventually, very sadly the 'other woman' who was also well known among the group of friends became very ill with cancer. The chap was forced into telling his wife because he had to explain why he was spending so much time away. He was at the beside of this poor lady. She died.
To cut a long story short his wife, who considered my mum to be her best friend locally has a huge row with my mum at a party one Christmas. She has never forgiven her for not telling her that her husband was having an affair.

[Bigmistake]

So if your husband was hanging out with some woman every friday and coming home at 7-8 pm on the Sat and the first person he goes to stay with when you break up is her, you would not even consider the fact that something was going on would you.

[WigWamBam]

Yes, I agree it sounds suspicious. But you do not know for sure what's going on, and that's why I believe you have done the wrong thing. If you had proof that something was going on I would have been right behind you for telling her. But you don't, and that to me is a different kettle of fish altogether.

[Toothache]

BM - I most certainly would think there was something going on!! But I'd be horrified if my SIL came and told me!

[Bigmistake]

My dad had an affair for years which all his friends knew about and none of them thought to tell my mom about. We later found out that he even had kids with the other woman. This has destroyed our family and our relationship with my dad.

Whatever my Bro and SIL think of me right now, I sat down and thought about my 10 month old niece and I don't want her to end up like us.

[hunkermunker]

I'd have had more conversation with my brother rather than phoned my SIL up in the heat of the moment. Yes, she deserves to know if there's something going on, but not from you.

[WigWamBam]

But you don't know the truth, and if he isn't having an affair then you could have screwed things up for them and for your 10 month old niece.

[Catsmother]

I was cheated on by my ex, at least twice - with the collusion of some of our so-called mutual friends - and I wish someone had been honest with me. After the 1st time, I even spoke to one of these friends who actually apologised for not telling me, but said he didn't know what to do for the best.....

....But, but, but ...... in this case, unless your brother had actually confided in you, & despite his odd behaviour & history, you did not know 100% he was cheating.

Trouble is now, as he's gone back home, he's obviously trying to patch things up with his wife - and if he has told her that what you said was a pack of lies, it leaves her in a very difficult position. The way I see it, she has more or less 3 choices:

1. to call him a liar and throw him out, ending their marriage.
   
2. to believe what you said, but forgive him and try to make the marriage work ... which is always bloody hard after an affair
   or,
   
3. to believe her husband and for the marriage to continue as per usual.
   
   Choosing option 3 probably seems, right now, to be the least emotionally painful choice for her, because she doesn't have to confront what she's heard - though from what you've said, there's a high chance her trust will be broken in the future. Of course, by believing her husband - that makes you, by default, a liar ..... and who wants a liar for a friend ? In other words, she could well be protecting herself by telling herself that you were out to cause trouble (no doubt this is what your brother will also have said) because it saves her facing up to the humiliation/hurt/broken trust/risk of STDs/betrayal that infidelity brings with it.
   
   And of course, even if you had watertight proof he was cheating, your SIL could still go for option 3 and you would still be public enemy no.1. Some people also passively accept affairs, so long as they're not made public - and in those cases the messenger is bound to get shot.
   
   It's a really really difficult call but I think I'd personally have taken the attitude of telling the truth (about stuff I was certain about)if asked, but otherwise kept counsel. And I would have also told my brother exactly what I thought of him too. I do know you had the best of intentions, but sometimes people just aren't ready to hear what you tell them ...... hence the waiting to be asked approach.
   
   Maybe you could send her a card, just telling her you're thinking of her, hoping she's okay and apologising for anything you said which caused offence or upset, but which was said out of concern for her. Maybe also say something like you hope they both sort out their problems to the satisfaction of them both, and that you're still there for her if she wants to contact you.

[Toothache]

BM - My Dad sounds like yours.... but someone (anonymous letter) wrote to my Mum. My sister and I were 15 and 16, my Mum showed us the letter. It was awful. I eventually told my Dad that we all new about his slut (15yrs the affair had been going on ). He ended it on the phone as we listened..... Mum and Dad stayed together except now my Mum hated (and still hates) the air he breathes! THAT was awufl.

[Bigmistake]

She asked me if I thought something was going on, and I know my Bro and honestly think that something was. Now I also told her it was up to her what she believed and she is the one who knows his friends it is so easy for her to find out.

I know in my heart that if it was not with this girl then it must be someone else, and one day the truth will come out.

[hunkermunker]

But you phoned her after arguing with your brother to tell her - she hadn't asked you at that moment, had she?

[nailpolish]

so it sounds like your SIL knows something/has suspicions anyway, maybe someone saying it out loud made it more real to her - its a shame you live so far away, otherwise it would have been easier to approach her. try calling her again when you know your brother wont be in.

im sorry if i was harsh

[Catsmother]

Oops ... have just re-read some of what you've written and you've indicated she did ask you. That makes it much more difficult.

Still, I stand by the theory of her maybe not being reday to face the truth - and as what you told her isn't 100%, though it's damn fishy - she's probably taken the path of least resistance to deal with it.

Would still send that card and then leave them to it.

[Bigmistake]

Bottom line, I did not go digging in their business I have enough worries of my own. She told me she would rather know.

And I know that my Bro has told me countless times that he does not love her anymore and is only staying with her because of the kid. He's said this even when they have not been fighting

[madmarchhare]

She asked, you say you concider her a friend, you told her what you thought. FWIW I think you did the right thing.

[hunkermunker]

I would still have told my brother that he had to do the right thing - I'd have given him the opportunity to.

From your first post, it sounds like you had a row with him and rang SIL while not quite thinking straight - your subsequent posts have been to justify what you did. So you feel you did the right thing - that's fine! You know more about your situation than we do - but for me, for my brother, I'd never have done it.

[Bigmistake]

I did not phone her after an arguement with my brother. I phoned her hours later. And also after giving him the chance to come clean. So if it was a lie why did he not deny it to me and tell her that there were rumours flying round and she is bound to hear some things?

Why go back home only when conered, after not wanting anything to do with her the same day?