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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

have met lovely new man ... think I like him more than he likes me - any MN tips on being utterly alluring and fabulous would be gratetfully received

85 replies

Rockall · 16/09/2009 20:15

it's very early days but have met fab new man. I am super keen, I know he likes me but I don't think he's as far forward as I am and I don't want to scare him off.

We met via internet and are only at dating stage, ie not exclusive, so it is acceptable for us to meet up with other people at the moment - but though I have a couple of irons in the fire on that front, I don't want to meet anyone else right now. I think that he might still be up for going on dates with other women.

Where next? Do I let it go at his speed but risk him meeting someone else more gorgeous and alluring who takes his interest in the meantime? Do I meet up for a drink with the other blokes I am chatting with via internet dating site and keep things cool? I know if I ask outright for eg being exclusive I will scare him off - he's not that long out of a very longterm relationship and I suspect he believes that he "shouldn't" meet someone so soon, regardless of how perfect they (ME! ME!) might be for him.

Any tips on how to subliminally make him fall for me?!

OP posts:
Remotew · 16/09/2009 20:25

Just bumping for you as I really don't have any answers. If I did I wouldn't be eternally single.

Not sure how long you have been seeing him or how far it's gone, but I would just act coolish at first and not sleep with him too soon.

Niftyblue · 16/09/2009 20:25

Just be yourself
Let him fall for you
Show him you are confidant and secure in yourself

AnyFucker · 16/09/2009 20:25

could you shag his brains out ?

would that work ?

Original poster
Rockall · 16/09/2009 20:27

Anyfucker - liking it! Perhaps if I just get him into bed every evening he won't have the time or energy to try and see anyone else?!

OP posts:
Remotew · 16/09/2009 20:29

There's me telling you to make him wait. That's why I'm single then.

Original poster
Rockall · 16/09/2009 20:29

abouteve - you are probably right, and we've only been out twice, but talked loads, got quite - ahem - intimate already and it feels really right, from my pov anyway.

niftyblue - will repeat "I am a secure and confident woman" a lot in my head - you're right it's about being certain of myself.

sexy underwear too though?

OP posts:
colditz · 16/09/2009 20:29

DON'T shag him too soon. It WON'T make him like you more/.

DO remain ever so slightly mysterious and unavailable. DON'T always answer your phone to him, sit on your hands if you have to. Ring him back an hour or so later, saying "OH, sorry I missed your call, I was just - what's up?"

StayFrosty · 16/09/2009 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 16/09/2009 20:30

You know when you speak on the phone? Don't let him be tyhe one to always cut the conversation short. Be a bit busy. Give him a good chunk of your time, but as soon as you sense either of you is on the cusp of running out of things to say, sweetly end the conversation.

Original poster
Rockall · 16/09/2009 20:30

abouteve - I wasn't planning to take things quite so far so soon, and nor was he (which is why I know that he's a bit uncertain about committing too soon despite things having jumped ahead quite quickly). I am usually of the "keep your legs crossed and make them wait" view but it hasn't worked for me either so far!

OP posts:
wheniwishuponastar · 16/09/2009 20:32

make yourself look (and smell) as beautiful and alluring as possible.

be super, quietly confident.

trick yourself into thinking you will have a fabulous life whatever happens

think what you would do if he wasn't interested, how would you make your life as interesting, fabulous as possible - for yourself - what you actually think would be best - live your best life.

if you are being the best you can possibly be, and he still doesn't like you then he isn't for you.

but if you concentrate on making your life the best it can be for you, then even if you don't get him, then your life will be better for you anyway.

don't think about him too much (or if you do just channel it into the motivation for the above). focus on yourself and making yourself happy.

and if he likes that, then great.

if he's in that 'space' then he needs to know that you will be totally fine without him in case he needs to bow out for whatever reason. so you have to make sure (for yourself anyway its good to) that you are/will be.

Original poster
Rockall · 16/09/2009 20:32

colditz and StayFrosty (appropriate name!) v good advice. I have got all teenage and antsy and jump up every time my phone beeps with a text message (even if I know it's going to be someone else texting me back!)

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOneDoesntLikeDM · 16/09/2009 20:34

oh my goodness, this is one of the best bits of the relationship with some one.

Making him wait is def better then letting him have you.

It's about power play (sorry, but it really is)

If he thinks he can have you, he probably will, and any one else he can too,.... (do i sound bitter or what!?)

Make him work for his prize.

Give him time, I know you dont want him to um and errr about it too long as you think he will meet some one else, but it could be worse to let him into your life only to find out he really isnt ready for a new relationship after just coming from a long term one and it could brake your heart even worse.

All the best OWO

Original poster
Rockall · 16/09/2009 20:35

wheniwish - fab post, thank you. very wise words.

on the meeting other men front - given that FNB (Fab New Bloke) and I have said that we are only at dating stage and that's fine as long as know where we both stand - do I "check" with FNB that he's ok with me going on other dates. Obviously I am not asking him permission, I would be just thus be letting him know that I am seeing other people ... or is that sad and desperate and obvous??

OP posts:
Remotew · 16/09/2009 20:38

Great advice, I have been accused of playing it too cool in the beginning but always by the ones who stuck around, so second not always answering your phone straight away etc.

Let him do the running at first. Keep some mystery. You don't have to date these other guys. I like to take one at a time, but he doesn't need to know your not atm.

ninah · 16/09/2009 20:40

No don't check with him! none of his business .. yet
would you like it if he told you about other women he was seeing?
Just enjoy time with him and don't rush it, you can't possibly be sure he is Mr Perfect yet, any more than he can with you

wheniwishuponastar · 16/09/2009 20:50

yeah i agree it would be taken as a hint - which is pressure - which he's already said he doesn't want.

you can only say something like that once you know he is smitten and you are both joking about it.

wheniwishuponastar · 16/09/2009 20:52

and even then i wouldn't given what he has said, you need to be self-sufficient for this one, i reckon. talk yourself into a take it or leave it attitude. you have to believe it for it work.

geordieminx · 16/09/2009 20:55

Was going to post the exact same as StayFrosty - delete number. Only reply to texts after at least an hour or 2. Dont bug him - if he likes you he will chase you, if you chase him, he will run.

Remotew · 16/09/2009 20:56

X post before, no definitely do not check with him at all.

overmydeadbody · 16/09/2009 20:59

As someone who has done a lot of internet dating, and I mea a lot, I agree completely with colditz.

Seriously.

Back off.

Also, do go out with other men, don;t put all your eggs in one basket so soon. I have also learnt from experience that sometimes the ones you think are perfect at first turn out to be a bit rotten inside, and the ones then don't seem like much at first are actually pleasant surprises.

My best advice, get to know him, and other men, slowly. First impressions are not always as they may seem when it comes to men off the internet.

overmydeadbody · 16/09/2009 21:00

Oh no no no!! Under no circumstances do you check with him first!

thesouthsbelle · 16/09/2009 21:06

hmm, watching this one with interest....

thesouthsbelle · 16/09/2009 21:08

(fwiw with my current squeeze, I have recently come back tot he way of thinking that while I don't want to see anyone else, if it didn't work out with him then what's the worse that cold happen - I mean after all, XH cheated, & walked out, which in effect meant in the space of 8 weeks I lost a baby, my husband and my home literally plus had to move 100 miles to come home with no friends and no money).

So that's kinda kept it in perspective cos nothings that bad!

inthemistsoftime · 16/09/2009 21:17

I would definitely carry on meeting up with other people, it helps in not appearing so keen!

Let him do the running, cos then you will know that he is really interested in you, always be casual with him and let him know how much you are enjoying going out with friends and meeting new peolple/blokes, its guaranteed to keep him interested!

Well it worked for me