have met lovely new man ... think I like him more than he likes me - any MN tips on being utterly alluring and fabulous would be gratetfully received

[Rockall]

it's very early days but have met fab new man. I am super keen, I know he likes me but I don't think he's as far forward as I am and I don't want to scare him off.

We met via internet and are only at dating stage, ie not exclusive, so it is acceptable for us to meet up with other people at the moment - but though I have a couple of irons in the fire on that front, I don't want to meet anyone else right now. I think that he might still be up for going on dates with other women.

Where next? Do I let it go at his speed but risk him meeting someone else more gorgeous and alluring who takes his interest in the meantime? Do I meet up for a drink with the other blokes I am chatting with via internet dating site and keep things cool? I know if I ask outright for eg being exclusive I will scare him off - he's not that long out of a very longterm relationship and I suspect he believes that he "shouldn't" meet someone so soon, regardless of how perfect they (ME! ME!) might be for him.

Any tips on how to subliminally make him fall for me?!

Oh, this game-playing is very silly isn't it

I agree with ABetaDad on this (theres a novelty )

Or perhaps it is just we are the same age

Call him, don't call him, shag him if you want to, don't try and analyse everything he does, stop being so bloody needy

But whatever you do, get a grip and don't try to manipulate him

What will be, will be

I think it's changing now and many people would rather try it than go to the bars. I, personally have done it all and am still single.

who knows what tomorrow brings eve (or should I say Saturday)

I advocate shagging him, cos I like shagging

And it tends to tell you a lot about a person, much more than "sitting on your hands" or deliberately waiting for 3 days or whatever to return a text

Interact with him, in a normal, unforced manner

You will get your answer, if you have any radar at all or just an inkling of human nature

Asking strangers on t'internet is just a recipe for disaster

"yes well I admit DW did date 3 other blokes and made me wait 9 months" -- I knew it.

"but... it did not make me keener." But it also didn't put you off, did it? That's an important message: men who reallyreally like you will NOT be put off by your dating other people (at the start of a non-exclusive relationship, although in that case shagging should be definite no-no as they will just assume you are shagging your other dates), being busy and not being that bothered.

Don't listen to me though, my twunty DH moves out in two weeks!

AF, if Eve did sit on her hands for three days, that would (eventually) get her urge to shag this man out of her system...

Eek, not Eve, Rockall.

Rockall, don't deliberately misread AF's advice and sit on your bloke's hands for three days...

lol, Beautiful, fuck, wished I'd got that name.

Abetadad waited 9 months till DW made up her mind. Similar advice dished out by the American claptrap self help books.

I'd not bother tbh. If it takes working at to reel him in sounds like too much effort for unpredictable outcome. Personally I would move on - but hey ho, everyone is different

TBH the thing is, if someone really likes you, they will not be put off unless you execute a puppy in front of them, or shit in your hand and throw it at them (and TBH there are some people for whom that would be abig turn on anyway). And if someone isn't that bothered, whatever you do will be met with cheerful acceptance but no commitment.

blimey, here I am off doing exciting, cool and impressive things to tantalise new bloke with and come back to some rather conflicted advice!

first up - did I say I had already shagged him?? no - just things had gone further than I might have envisaged.

and second, let's defend internet dating here - men have to "resort" to it?? but women don't? or women are "resorting" too? perhaps I'll resort to hanging round bars looking over my friends' shoulders and hoping some bloke will notice me enough to buy me a drink then .

A summary of the advice, with thanks to you all:

• there's the treat em mean, keep em keen gang who go with the calm and cool option, fair play, it's basically "The Rules" option.

THere's SGB with the wholly novel idea of executing a puppy as a way to get a man's attenion. LOL!

• the people who think that I'm "terrified" of losing him, that I must have contacted him first .. nope, he contacted me, took me out for dinner, made the first move, has called twice a day since.... so why don't I think he's as in to me as I am to him - just that I think I've made a connection and he is not sure that it's the right time ie too soon after marriage break up to commit. I feel a gut instinct on this one, and his instincts are all over the show after end of marriage shocker and other dating disasters. I've done a bit of internet dating and have met my fair share of losers and no-chemistry types to know that this one's a good 'un.

• and UQD, ABetaDad and AnyFucker - all advocate getting on with it, keeping it simple stupid. as well as sitting on his hands for three days and not asking advice off strangers on the internet. I think you lot get my vote!

Many thanks all for your views - it does help to clarify where I stand on it all, by dint of disagreeing with most of you!!

What kind of advice were you looking for? If you want light-hearted-but-vaguely-scientific-sounding stuff to read ostensibly for a laugh (but then actually to do a bit of it on him too, while feeling hopeful but daft), How To Make Anyone fall in Love With You might be right up your street.

Don't listen to me at the moment anyway, my world is in marital chaos and I'm projecting wildly.

You seem to be saying that, given he is straight out of a relationship, he can only be looking for "friends with benefits". Has he said that this is the case?

phones you twice a day....hmmmm..that would worry me, doesn't it you?

aww BEAUTIFUL - thanks - I think I need a book with a title like that! sorry about your marital chaos and thanks for taking time to try and help. I'm all over the show as you can tell, just feels so nice to have met someone who I actually want to see again rather than all the other crappy first dates I've had, and to have found someone who ticks so many of the right boxes.

hope all works out okay for you.

anauntie - he has said that he doesn't trust his own judgement given recent events, and that close friends have advised that he should take his time, just do "dating" and not rush into things. I think (hope) he feels a bit conflicted that he likes me but that by law of probability meeting someone great (!) so soon shouldn't be the right outcome, I suppose (my words) like going house hunting and buying the first house you see without looking at any others.

why would phoning twice a day be worrying? phone in morning after date to say hello, thanks for nice evening. phone later in day to see how day was, arrange next date. twenty times a day would be worrying. he's not into texting and that's fine by me, not my thing either for communicating properly.

What do you like about him? Which boxes is he ticking?

I love the sound of the twice-daily calls, I think it's sweet.

Just let him take the lead. You be the brake pedal and let him be the accelerator. That way, he'll never get scared off. Let him be the one trying to convince you he's ready to date again, not to explain why he's not!

Sorry -- I promise that's the end of the advice.

BEAUTIFUL - that's cracking re brake and accelerator pedals - really good analogy and I will focus on that.

must go to bed - thanks for the advice. don't have enough time to list the boxes he's ticking!

but what does "just do dating" mean? I think that could mean different things to different people and could lead to confusion. He most probably does not want to remain celibate so is he looking for monongamy,all be it, not seeing each other too often, or does he think its better to be involved with a few women at the same time, in order to protect himself?

Phoning twice a day just seems a lot when you've only been on a couple of dates if it's every day, which you seemed to be saying it was but perhaps I misunderstood you. Might just mean he's a great communicator but could also be a sign of being needy or possessive?

well, I wouldn't give him too long to be "conflicted"

classic twatty excuse to piss you around, IMO

SGB, I think your 00:08:26 post should be quote of the week, hahahaha.. [wees self emoticon]

Rockall, blokes who make you work really really hard are generally not bothered. On the other hand, blokes seem to love it if you make them work really really hard.
For gods sake, date other man, Keep your options open. You don't have to PRETEND to be aloof, mysterious, busy, whatever. You just need to lead a life that will naturally have that knock-on effect in the way you behave towards him. You just need to - well, think of him less. He'll sense that. And hey if he doesn't, it won't matter! because you'll be thinking of him less.

I hate all this game playing crap.

YOU CANT MAKE SOMEONE LIKE YOU.OR LOVE YOU.

either they will accept you for who you are or they wont.

why play aloof... if in 3 months time your going to start badgering him with calls/texts.

at the same time. your getting your knickers in a twist about someone you have met twice.

get something to keep you from obsessing and over thinking. new book, hobby, anything if it helps. some people over analyse and get worked up about this sort of think... if thats you then keep your mind busy.

personally... with my online dating... i'm just me.. they can take it or leave.

if you are... so will the fella hopefully.

lets face it.... he could be playing a game too... and you'll be sorely disappointed in a few months time when his true colours show.

so... try and be straight up, honest and relaxed.

if its right and he's keen then no matter how much you contact want make an ounce of a difference.

agree with OMDB (think it was her)... the ones who you think will be fabulous always turn out to be toads.... and the random off the cuff dates you go just because your bored end up being the best.

even if nothing comes of your other dates you have... at least you will enjoy the company of someone new and interesting for coffee/drinks/dinner.

so get going on those other dates you had lined up.

OK this is going to sounds like I really want to piss on your chips, but it is worth mentioning: sometimes men who are 'just out of a relationship gone bad' and yet very, very attentive and romantic within the first couple of dates are, um, abusers. Of course, sometimes they are indeed lovely romantic nice men who happen to have had an unfortunate previous relationship, but if he's doing the 'You're so wonderful, there's no one like you, not like my-ex-the-bitch', tread a little carefully. And if he throws a sulk or a tantrum over something that really doesn't seem to warrant it, then says it;s only because he loves you so much run like fuck: he's a manipulator.
OK the odds are reasonably good that he;s a perfectly decent chap, it's just that you sound so keen that you might be at risk of falling for manipulative bullshit, because you are (and I'm afraid you do slightly sound) desperate for the perfect relationship.

btw - i agree with anyfucker... how someone is in bed says alot about that person IMO.

and i rather like a good old session of sheet tickling.

although.... if your dating with others. wouldnt recommend sleeping with others.... but i suffer from guilt in that situation. if you dont then enjoy.