have met lovely new man ... think I like him more than he likes me - any MN tips on being utterly alluring and fabulous would be gratetfully received

[Rockall]

it's very early days but have met fab new man. I am super keen, I know he likes me but I don't think he's as far forward as I am and I don't want to scare him off.

We met via internet and are only at dating stage, ie not exclusive, so it is acceptable for us to meet up with other people at the moment - but though I have a couple of irons in the fire on that front, I don't want to meet anyone else right now. I think that he might still be up for going on dates with other women.

Where next? Do I let it go at his speed but risk him meeting someone else more gorgeous and alluring who takes his interest in the meantime? Do I meet up for a drink with the other blokes I am chatting with via internet dating site and keep things cool? I know if I ask outright for eg being exclusive I will scare him off - he's not that long out of a very longterm relationship and I suspect he believes that he "shouldn't" meet someone so soon, regardless of how perfect they (ME! ME!) might be for him.

Any tips on how to subliminally make him fall for me?!

Was he married or is he just single and been in LTR?

How open is HE being about seeing other women?
Is he a player?

There is always a reason men resort to using websites to meet women. What's his reason?

OMDB what are the common reasons, IYE?

they work in places where there are only other men working there so don't meet women through work

they have just moved to the area

they have no friends and are workaholics

they are painfully shy/socially awkward

they are single dads and don't get out much

they are players

they are married/in relatinships are looking for extra fun on the side

they are just looking for a quick shag

It can also be a combination of the above

and, of course, the obvious ones (why did I forget these?)

they are ugly/overweight/have dubious personal hygiene so could never get a woman's attention any other way

or

they are not very nice people so could never get any woman's attention any other way

or

they are such increadible bores that they could never get any woman's attention any other way

But usually these men don't even make it onto dates. At least they don't with me but one look at their profile tells you all you need to know about their shortcomings.

so, on the whole, the same reasons that they might be looking to date in any case?
'resort to' seems a bit harsh
nothing wrong with online (she says, 'resorting to' a bit of evening mn)

And to be fair, there is always a reason (or many, as above) for women to "resort to" using websites to meet men, isn't there?

From a man's perspective - if I were newly single, had just met you, liked you but wasn't sure, I'd want:

Intrigue. The hint of something enticing. Flirtatiousness. Laughter. (Deadpan humour works for me, but that's me.) Being interested in what I said. A hint of dirtiness.

but not dirty as in cobwebs

oh gosh yes, I didn't mean reason as is 'bad' reason, or sinister reason. Nothing wrong with most of the reasons, but it's always good to gauge which reasons any man you meat might have chosen the internet dating route.

For single mums like me I'd like to think my reason is obvious, I'd hardly get the opportunity to meet men unless I used internet dating sites

UQD, thanks for that. Also OMDB I've had lots of messages from the sort on your 2nd list, they don't get a reply. Also I expect from most on your first. Going for a date soon and from what I've gathered he could come under the category, 'new to the area' and 'doesn't meet women through work'

FGS you lot!

What is this 'play it cool, 'don't phone him', 'make him work', 'be unavailabe' nonsense. You all read far too may ditzy books by cod American psychologists.

I sometimes think the internet, mobile phones and texting might one day be the cause of humankind failing to reproduce itself enough to reach the next generation.

In my day (which admittedly was before the internet had been invented) a bloke liked a girl and a girl liked a bloke they picked up a phone with a curly wire stickig out of the receiver and made of bakelitegrey plastic and talked and then went for a drink together. They phoned each other more and more often and sometimes wrote love letters on Basildon Bond writing paper and carefully checked the spellng before posting it big red letter boxes. The letter was anxiously awaited and when received was cherished, read 50 times and then replied to within a few days. There was no 'make him/her wait'.

Rockall - if you like this bloke just get on the phone and arrange a date. If he likes you he will say yes. Wear a nice dress and some perfume - nothing too obvious. It really is that simple.

You can't chain him down- no matter how much u like him. If he is going to meet anyone else and fall for them you can't stop that- sorry

Keep yr feelings up yr sleeve for a while or you will frighten him off- if it is not an exclusive relationship, keep him guessing a bit.

And try not to get over involved so soon- not easy, I know. But if he's playing around you need to take a step back.

I don't know ninah, I think it's still resorting. I think it's most people's final resort, after having eliminating the other more natural ways of meeting single interested people for relationships.

Maybe that's just me.

Eeek. This is all frighteningly reminiscent of when I met my now-DH but soon to be my ex-DH online! (Except I kept my knickers on a lot longer than you have. )

I'll give you the advice that I wish i'd been given at the time -- although, TBH, i was given this advice but ignored it (as no doubt you will too!):

DATE OTHERS

Listen to yourself, you are terrified of losing him already and you have been on 2 dates. This isn't healthy keeness, it's terror of losing him. You joke "maybe I'll shag him every night so he can't go and meet gorgeous women", and know you don't mean it, but listen to your panic! You are not thinking about what he can do/add/improve in your life, but in how you just must keep him/hang on to him/trap him.

NO NO NO. Carry on seeing him and this dynamic will 8never go away. he will never* be able to look keen enough to dispel your fears, they will always be there. You could easily become jealous and clingey. I never thought my DH liked me that much, and he married me! It still wasn't enough.

For some reason, we meet one of these types every so often and they make us obsessed. It's really not good. Please, please give yourself a resounding virtual slap, FORCE yourself to keep dating other men to keep this one in perspective, and take steps to boost your own self-confidence so you end up thinking that he should be terrified of losing you.

Did you contact him first, online? I did with my DH, because I was immediately struck by his photo. I just fancied the arse off him. He turned out to be a horrible, aloof, cocky, unemotional twunt. Next time, I'm only going to go out with men who contact me first, so the wind is blowing in that direction IYKWIM.

Careful...

ABetadad, lol, if it was only that simple, so are you saying if a bloke isn't all over you in the beginning forget it, he's just not into you. Excuse the reference.

Also DO NOT MOAN ABOUT MEN.

Even if you have been out with sixteen bastards.

"I sometimes think the internet, mobile phones and texting might one day be the cause of humankind failing to reproduce itself enough to reach the next generation."

In the mood I'm in right now, that seems like a pretty good outcome and not a bad thing at all.

I agree with every word BEAUTIFUL has said. Very wise.

Calm yourself UnquietDad There are some lovely men out there.

And never take dating advice from straightforward lovely men (like UQD!). they always say the same old, "Just ring him if you like him and ask him out!", while forgetting to tell you that the one woman they fell madly in love with was unreachable by phone/never replied to messages/was dating someone else and had to be won around/etc.

This new man should be ringing you up and asking you out on dates. There is absolutely no reason for you to contact him between dates except to tell him that you have spontaneously combusted and will be 15 minutes late as you are having dressings applied in A&E.

ABetDad that's all very well if you've never been rejected, but once you've been rejected and hurt it's not so easy to just pick up the phone and make yourself vulnerable to being hurt or used again. Sadly. IME.

Now go and have your coco.

FFS get a hobby or something. You have had two dates with this man and he has not offered you exclusivity. You're not entitled to exclusivity yet (or ever, if he doesn;t want an exclusive relationship and says so clearly).
As to shagging him it's worth giving it a go. Because he might be a crap shag, and that will hopefully cool your jets a bit. But don't shag him in the hope he will instantly commit, because he won't. No one is that good a shag. And don't shag him if you know you're going to burst into tears afterwards and go all stalkery about it.

I never contact them first.

I only reply to about 10% of messages I get and only actually meet 1% of them. I'm doing it half heartedly because a lot of men I meet in the normal way are taken or younger or losers. But I do think I have resorted to it.

see what you mean about the reasons omdb but I think online is ubiquitous enough now not to be the last resort for some
it was actually the first thing I tried cos I couldn't be doing with bars etc (let alone paying for babysitters)

BEAUTIFUL - yes well I admit DW did date 3 other blokes and made me wait 9 months but I was already moping about like a love sick puppy very keen and it did not make me keener.

ovemydeadbody - but the bloke might be vulnerable too. Someone has to pick up the phone.