Missing "boring" s*x

[FunnyBlueTurtle]

DH (40m) and I (36f) have been married nearly 8 years, together for 12. We have children, 5 and 2.

We have always had a difference of libido, and has been a reoccurring talking point throughout our relationship. He wants sex much more than I do.

We on average have sex once a week, on the whole, the sex has been good and enjoyable. However, I want it a lot less than him. I (like most women) need a bit of warming up first, I can't go from zero to horny at the squeeze of a boob in bed. My husband mostly understands this, but I've accepted he will never understand why my head has to be reasonably clear to want sex (e.g. I'm not lying there going through a mental to-do list thinking of all the stuff I need to get done once we're done) he is able to switch off, I can't.

As a result, DH mastubrates a fair bit. Sometimes daily, sometimes every other day. Always whilst watching porn. I don’t love it, but equally I don't want sex daily so I can't stop him if that how it feels. He doesn't openly tell me when he's doing it, as he knows I don't like it. But equally I know when he's doing it/done it. I do sometimes wonder if this is a normal amount, but I think that's for a separate thread.

He's currently between jobs, a new one starting in Jan. Having just left a job he's been in for 20 years. Not having much to do with his days, I have a feeling the masturbating and porn use might have increased.

Which leads me to my problem....

I feel like every time we have sex, he's try to reenact some porn scene. We've always had a relatively vanilla lifestyle, tried the odd thing when we were childfree (a bit of tying to the bed post, 1 anal attempt, bit of spanking, nothing outrageous). Last night, we hadn't had sex in over a week, which i was conscious of so I was trying to get myself in the right headspace (often once it starts I enjoy sex, it's just getting there is the problem) so I went with his advances. Before I know it, what starts as a bit of foreplay, theres suddenly FOUR fingers inside of me. It was horrendous. He did stop when I told him no. It's not the first time he's tried this.

Last time we had sex he asked to finish on my face which was just unpleasant. The other night he practically begged me to sit on his face, again he also knows I'm not a fan.

But I think the thing thats setting off alarms bells is that he goes soft every time we do missionary, he's always got to fold me up in to some uncomfortable position.

I don't mind experimenting with positions, but i miss "boring" vanilla sex where we connected. It all just feels like an act at the moment,playing out whatever scene he's watched this week.

I know I should talk to him, and I will- but I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Of course you shouldn't have to do sex acts you don't want to do.
He is a porn addict and his sexual demands will only become more and more extreme.
Surely you must have told him you are not happy with his sexual demands?
He needs to address his use of porn and if he doesn't then your marriage doesn't have much future. Porn addicts are incapable or having a normal, loving , respectful relationship with a real woman.

You are not being unreasonable! Once a week is completely normal for a lot of people especially when you have young children.
If he keeps up this nonsense, he is going to put you off completely. Please don't feel bad. He needs to feel bad. Sex should make you feel comfortable and connected, not tense waiting for him to do the next porny thing.

His masturbation is desensitisating his penis- he’ll be gripping it hard while wanking to porn meaning there’s no longer enough sensation ditching when you have ‘normal ‘ sex.

thats not going to improve while he still uses porn, combined with totally unrealistic expectations of what women like .

You need to tell him.

@FunnyBlueTurtle - I hope you are OK. Your post is calm and insightful but your husband is asking you to do things you dont want to do, forcing stuff on you that he knows you dont like, is very likely addicted to porn and is using your body for his gratification and not for consensual, mutual pleasure.

Get out now. This is not going to change and its not for you to fix.

💯

You need to communicate here and quickly.
Explain you need to be in the right heads space and what he can do to help with that - I'm guessing you have lots of the mental load.
Your also still in the trenches.

Explain that his porn habit is getting out of hand that it's not real life and your not re-enacting a porn scene.
Sex life is about communication and you feeling that you have to will only do the opposite long term. Explain what you need to be in the right space and find the middle ground you both enjoy.

There is a really funny comedian on Instagram called Anna Byrne who does a funny but very true comedy song on orgasm gap. I suggest you play it then play it around him of he doesn't take well to the above.

This is terrible, you can't go on like this. How absolutely hideous. He needs to go cold turkey with the porn and masturbation. After a month of that just start having very normal, straightforward sex 2-3 times a week. Utterly depraved situation, needs a complete reset. He can recover from this addiction.

Do you really even slightly think you are being unreasonable?

Oh dear, this is going to be like turning round an oil tanker without a rudder. He really does not understand how a woman “works”. Four fingers is never going to be comfy even after lots of the inappropriately named foreplay, which is so important. Does he know what a clitoris is?

I’m older than you, l’ve tried most things and happily continued with most of them, but l draw the line at anyone wanting to cover me in goo or anything that involves pain.

Does he go down on you? As l’ve said before on MN, no oral, no entry.

Re the death grip idea - I really really don’t think you should ‘diagnose’ an issue in someone else’s body and inform them of the solution without further ado. I’d be v upset if a man did that to me.

You’re articulate and caring. I think you can raise the issue in a more holistic way. You miss feeling really connected in bed, which being face to face really helps with for you, and it’s making it harder for you to break through the forests of ‘stuff to do’ in your head and find the forest clearing of arousal and comfort in your own body. What does he think? What gives him that sense of connection?

I will be honest, I plan our sex life, we’re far from the only ones to do it. I look ahead in the week and think ok, sex on day x would be good, maybe in the morning. Then I do things to arouse myself - usually just thoughts, sometimes reading. Is there anything that works for you like that? It means that I initiate a lot more than I otherwise would. I definitely wasn’t as sexual when we had young children though, and I don’t like having sex nearly as much with children in the house. I think this is more of an issue for more people than is sometimes realised. Is taking a few hours off on a random day when the house is empty to go back to bed an option?

Also, if you are enjoying being face to face and connected, it’s ok to say no, you don’t want to be folded up like a pretzel right now. But you know that. It’s bloody difficult when you start ceding your sexuality to a partner with a high drive, I do get it.

Well that was a shocking read.

I don’t want to sound harsh, but he sounds like an absolute walking red flag!

Ask somebody outside looking in I am absolutely horrified for you and think this man is psychologically and physically dangerous. It sounds like this Behaviour is the start of an escalation of something horrendous.

Just before Covid me and EH built a summer house, cue EH creating some little man cave in there. Started spending more and more time in there away from me and the children. Didn’t really bother me, he watched a lot of sport so meant I could watch what I liked and we came together at the end of the night. However, this enabled him to have the time and privacy to watch undisturbed porn and wank to his hearts content.

During our separation talks he explained this was the beginning of the end, the porn becomes like a drug, your chasing a dragon as such, it needs to be dirtier, more taboo, more filth to get him off. The wanking meant he stepped away from me and our sex life. He said he knew there were things he now wanted that he couldn’t get from home and he then started contacting sex workers. I found this out when I saw messages to the women explaining what he wanted during appointments etc. he tried to change but I caught him again so that was the end of our marriage. Our kids were 7&9.

Everyone’s happy enough, but 6 years on cos parenting teenagers is a bitch, we’re both in new relationships. I hate hate hate him for breaking up our life, the children being brought up in a broken family. All because of his selfishness.

id get this nipped in the bud if you can.

porn is a poison

You have to tell him, he already knows your libidos are mismatched. But that the direction your sex as a couple is going is making you want it even less.

To actively enjoy your sex with him, it needs to be more about love and sensuousness and affection than acrobatics and new things.

I hope you are OK. It sounds like an unpleasant situation. The potential porn addiction is worrying. He needs work, a proper hobby, and to spend a lot less time watching porn.

Edited for spelling

He’s been watching so much porn that he’s become bored of the vanilla stuff so is watching more extreme stuff. This is now impacting on him being able to be intimate in real life. This issue needs to be addressed because it will not get better.

@YouLittleWally - sorry for your experience but good for you for getting out and recognising what a sordid addiction this is and articulating it so well.

It’s terrifying that teens are being brought up on porn - yet another way in which the fabulous open free internet has wreaked havoc without checks.

Whilst I agree the porn is a problem and you absolutely shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to; I don’t actually think the examples you’ve given are extreme. It’s perfectly valid if it’s not for you, but I don’t think they’re wild.

Hopefully this is a short term problem until he starts his new job. Could you give him a list of tasks to do during the day to keep him busy? Another option is to break down the secrecy by asking him to show you what he’s watching, maybe try to watch a bit together, it could help you warm up.

I have young DC too and love ‘boring’ sex, but if your relationship is otherwise happy, I think it’s important to try to resolve this so it doesn’t lead to the breakdown of your marriage. A regular date night or some time away from the kids would be a good idea if you can. Keeping the spark alive takes effort and ultimately you both want a satisfying sex life.

Pandering to a porn-addled man is not remotely a solution here.

Ok, well if she doesn’t want to work through it that just leaves divorce?

I don’t think wanting to spice up your sex life in a long term relationship is unreasonable, but I did agree that the porn addiction was problematic.

"Re the death grip idea - I really really don’t think you should ‘diagnose’ an issue in someone else’s body and inform them of the solution without further ado. I’d be v upset if a man did that to me."

This is a fair point. Many women dont orgasm solely from piv and no one jumps to blaming this on vibrator use...

But OP didn’t say she wanted to ‘spice up her sex life’. She said she’s sick of being used as a porn prop. That’s not a her problem.

I’m not sure you’re overly compatible to be honest! If my partner was making me do things that I felt uncomfortable with - it would be an absolute turn off to be an absolute turn off to be honest.

I think you need to address the root of the problem which is the lack of sex. I dont blame you for not wanting it, if you both try and balance some of the work load at home and create some time
to spend together it might bring you closer. It sounds like you are emotionally disconnected from each other. Ofc also address the porn use with him but effort needs to come from both sides

OP doesn’t, but her DH clearly does. Marriage requires communication and compromise. Burying her head in the sand and just saying ‘no thanks’ will end the marriage.

If OP is happy to end the marriage, then cool, but if that’s not the result she’s after, then she needs to work with him to ensure both of their needs are being met.