Missing "boring" s*x

[FunnyBlueTurtle]

DH (40m) and I (36f) have been married nearly 8 years, together for 12. We have children, 5 and 2.

We have always had a difference of libido, and has been a reoccurring talking point throughout our relationship. He wants sex much more than I do.

We on average have sex once a week, on the whole, the sex has been good and enjoyable. However, I want it a lot less than him. I (like most women) need a bit of warming up first, I can't go from zero to horny at the squeeze of a boob in bed. My husband mostly understands this, but I've accepted he will never understand why my head has to be reasonably clear to want sex (e.g. I'm not lying there going through a mental to-do list thinking of all the stuff I need to get done once we're done) he is able to switch off, I can't.

As a result, DH mastubrates a fair bit. Sometimes daily, sometimes every other day. Always whilst watching porn. I don’t love it, but equally I don't want sex daily so I can't stop him if that how it feels. He doesn't openly tell me when he's doing it, as he knows I don't like it. But equally I know when he's doing it/done it. I do sometimes wonder if this is a normal amount, but I think that's for a separate thread.

He's currently between jobs, a new one starting in Jan. Having just left a job he's been in for 20 years. Not having much to do with his days, I have a feeling the masturbating and porn use might have increased.

Which leads me to my problem....

I feel like every time we have sex, he's try to reenact some porn scene. We've always had a relatively vanilla lifestyle, tried the odd thing when we were childfree (a bit of tying to the bed post, 1 anal attempt, bit of spanking, nothing outrageous). Last night, we hadn't had sex in over a week, which i was conscious of so I was trying to get myself in the right headspace (often once it starts I enjoy sex, it's just getting there is the problem) so I went with his advances. Before I know it, what starts as a bit of foreplay, theres suddenly FOUR fingers inside of me. It was horrendous. He did stop when I told him no. It's not the first time he's tried this.

Last time we had sex he asked to finish on my face which was just unpleasant. The other night he practically begged me to sit on his face, again he also knows I'm not a fan.

But I think the thing thats setting off alarms bells is that he goes soft every time we do missionary, he's always got to fold me up in to some uncomfortable position.

I don't mind experimenting with positions, but i miss "boring" vanilla sex where we connected. It all just feels like an act at the moment,playing out whatever scene he's watched this week.

I know I should talk to him, and I will- but I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Just because you have low standards, don't try and impose them on everyone else.

Also vanilla is a really nice flavour. I don't know why people use it to mean boring. But if you make ice cream and skimp on the ingredients, any flavour will be unpleasant.

Its good that you have good communication I think another poster also hit one of the issues bang on (pardon the pun) that he's become desensitised and needs to reduce the porn level.

I also think there is a middle ground between his re-enactment and yours of I have to do it once a week approach yes don't do things you are comfortable with but sex is more then just wham bam thank you mam. Him spending time connecting, playing, toys with stimulation for you etc makes a much better experience for you both. Find your voice and say slow down, here, direct him etc and explain the above.

That amount of porn is deeply problematic. I hate porn anyway but he is on his way to this taking over his life.

Sex addiction and porn addiction are dangerous and destructive. I don’t know how you can live like that.

I assure you there is nothing low about my standards; very strange to assume otherwise. I have a loving and trusting relationship with my DH that doesn’t require him to ask permission before every touch during intimacy.

As I have already said, it’s perfectly valid for OP not to be into the things her DH has suggested, but I would consider it a little prudish.

But equally I know when he's doing it/done it.

Sorry but I think needing to know when your DH has masturbated is incredibly weird and unhealthy.
You do not need to know this.

I would get very bored having missionary sex constantly and so I feel his pain if you rarely initiate it and just lie on your back every time.

However I’d be really unhappy that he’s doing things that I’m not into.

His only reference is your sex life vs porn and so I wouldn’t leave him over using things he’s seen on porn to try and make sex more interesting but I would be reminding that porn isn’t real and the actors are not usually enjoying themselves on it for a reason.

If he really wants you to enjoy sex more then tell him to buy different types of vibrators and pleasure you with those.

The 'reverse the sexes' style of argument on here is tiresome. The comparison doesn't hold because OP's husband could stay hard during sex before, and now can't, coinciding with a massive increase in extreme porn use. Whether the cause is physical (death grip) or mental (him needing to know he's doing something more and more 'edgy' to be turned on) almost doesn't really matter. The cause is porn use, the effect is OP's sex life becoming suddenly unsatisfactory at best, distressing and damaging at worst. Doesn't matter what anyone else in the world does or doesn't like, it's the fact her likes are suddenly completely irrelevant to her partner that matters.

That's the spirit 🙄

That's a shitty comment. There's nothing about the PPs 'standards' in this thread. People are jumping to conclusions thinking the OPS DH is some nasty sexual predator who is assaulting her. That is not what is happening. PP has provided some of the more balanced comments on this thread instead of ridiculous hyperbole telling the OP she's being sexually assaulted.

Referring to a fellow woman as a prude for not wanting 4 fingers shoved inside her or happily having her face w*nked over sounds like sexual coercion territory to me.

Sort of thing messed up teen boys say to their naive young girlfriends to get them to do things they don't want or else feel like a freak.

Would you say the same to your own daughter? "Don't be soft love, you've had 3 kids, it's not really whether you like it not, it's whether he does" 🙄

That sort of shit really isn't on.

Disagree. OP has 2 DC, if she gave birth naturally then 4 fingers is not so extreme… 😂

Extreme or not, OP didn't like it. And what's so funny about your comment that you need a laughing emoji? does having given birth make a woman fair game for anything sexual DH wants to do?

Why has he got loads of time on his hands? Surely he should be doing loads around the house & taking on the mental load?? That way he will be too knackered for sex and your brain and you will feel much better.

I don't disagree with any of the responses the biggest issue appears to be lack of communication.

Your dh behaviour isn't acceptable due to how its making you feel.

If you can't communicate and find a way forward where your both happy and fulfilled, sadly your marriage is over.

You have absolutely NO understanding of the female body.

Good lord, I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Vile.

As I have already said, it’s perfectly valid for OP not to be into the things her DH has suggested, but I would consider it a little prudish.

Prudish not to want to be a porn prop? I'm sure OP is crushed by your opinion.

The ‘😂’ was intended to show that the comment was lighthearted and not meant to offend.

Honestly I have myself down as pretty vanilla, but I also recognise the need keep things interesting if you’re going to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life.

Such bad taste. And I think it’s a bloke regardless of protestations.

Saying that four fingers should be fine for the OP because she has had a baby was a pretty shitty comment, and what I was responding to. Very politely, compared to what I would say to someone in real life saying something like that.

The ‘😂’ was intended to show that the comment was lighthearted and not meant to offend.

I think you missed with that one.

I feel that you are absolutely not unreasonable to feel as you do. Being bent into uncomfortable positions and having your face ejaculated on seems derogatory and dehumanising. (I've said that on here before and been called prudish, I'm really not. I love sex, I just think it's unpleasant to be treated that way particularly if you don't like it!) He knows you prefer "vanilla" sex and that works for you but your preferences and your pleasure don't seem to interest him, less still turn him on. That's really quite bad.

I don't know what the answer is. The porn and excessive wanking has probably desensitised him but if he can't or won't cut back or you don't want to address it then that won't change. Would you and he consider sex therapy to find a solution or compromise that works for you? I wonder if a mix of vanilla and adventurous sex might be the answer provided that there is an underlying reassurance of love and respect to obviate the feeling of being treated like a faceless porn appliance. No pain or discomfort should also be a boundary line.

This.

This is a husband problem.
If you felt like workload was balanced, and you felt like a team and appreciated you would want sex more.

I dont buy the whole weve got young kids stuff, it doesnt effect our sex lives in the slightest, my DP is a good man, funny, thoughtful, puts effort into our relationship, we are a team, balance the parenting and workload, he just needs to walk in from work and im up for it 😅 i think hes the most gorgeous man, I appreciate him and love sleeping with him. We have emotionally connecting sex which is all lovey-dovey 🙈 and we have passionate quick need to have you now sex too. We have sex at least once a day if not twice, with the occasional 24hr rest period maybe once every 10 days or so 😅
Kids are 6 and 12 now

So my point is, if you aren't feeling up for it, its a husband problem. He cant be bothered with the effort of getting you there, and I dont mean just foreplay I mean all the other stuff that goes into making a woman feel good.....

From other posters, the porn issue sounds like it will become a huge issue if u don't address that too

She hadn't said it was fine. She said it wasn't extreme. She also said it's what OP is comfortable with that matters.

What a weird and nasty post. The OP said it was horrendous. Absolutely nothing funny about it.