Missing "boring" s*x

[FunnyBlueTurtle]

DH (40m) and I (36f) have been married nearly 8 years, together for 12. We have children, 5 and 2.

We have always had a difference of libido, and has been a reoccurring talking point throughout our relationship. He wants sex much more than I do.

We on average have sex once a week, on the whole, the sex has been good and enjoyable. However, I want it a lot less than him. I (like most women) need a bit of warming up first, I can't go from zero to horny at the squeeze of a boob in bed. My husband mostly understands this, but I've accepted he will never understand why my head has to be reasonably clear to want sex (e.g. I'm not lying there going through a mental to-do list thinking of all the stuff I need to get done once we're done) he is able to switch off, I can't.

As a result, DH mastubrates a fair bit. Sometimes daily, sometimes every other day. Always whilst watching porn. I don’t love it, but equally I don't want sex daily so I can't stop him if that how it feels. He doesn't openly tell me when he's doing it, as he knows I don't like it. But equally I know when he's doing it/done it. I do sometimes wonder if this is a normal amount, but I think that's for a separate thread.

He's currently between jobs, a new one starting in Jan. Having just left a job he's been in for 20 years. Not having much to do with his days, I have a feeling the masturbating and porn use might have increased.

Which leads me to my problem....

I feel like every time we have sex, he's try to reenact some porn scene. We've always had a relatively vanilla lifestyle, tried the odd thing when we were childfree (a bit of tying to the bed post, 1 anal attempt, bit of spanking, nothing outrageous). Last night, we hadn't had sex in over a week, which i was conscious of so I was trying to get myself in the right headspace (often once it starts I enjoy sex, it's just getting there is the problem) so I went with his advances. Before I know it, what starts as a bit of foreplay, theres suddenly FOUR fingers inside of me. It was horrendous. He did stop when I told him no. It's not the first time he's tried this.

Last time we had sex he asked to finish on my face which was just unpleasant. The other night he practically begged me to sit on his face, again he also knows I'm not a fan.

But I think the thing thats setting off alarms bells is that he goes soft every time we do missionary, he's always got to fold me up in to some uncomfortable position.

I don't mind experimenting with positions, but i miss "boring" vanilla sex where we connected. It all just feels like an act at the moment,playing out whatever scene he's watched this week.

I know I should talk to him, and I will- but I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Porn is just the worst, worst, worst. It has so many terrible effects on men and I really wish for your husband's sake that he could read this thread and just give it up. His life would improve immeasurably!

• It makes them awful in bed, too aggressive, trying to recreate a porn montage with position changes ever 2 minutes, not focused on buildup and connection
• It primes the brain into thinking they are having actual sex with dozens of women a day, so they don't bother romancing their partners (aka being nice to them) and the relationship suffers
• It makes them read sexual intention into every interaction they have with a woman in real life
• Especially when men watch 'amateur' porn, it makes men think that their is something wrong with their wives when they don't act like the women they see in porn, when in reality the % of women who would even consent to being filmed having sex is tiny, never mind actual professional porn actors. They are then colder to their wives as they feel hard done by
• It artificially inflates male libido - when men give up porn they often find their libido settles down to something approaching that of their wives, which boost the relationship immeasurably
• It desensitizes them to actual real life sex and makes them chase more and more extreme content to get the same buzz, which often leads men into viewing illegal abuse material
• It gives men weaker, less enjoyable orgasms than using imagination
• It's just such a waste of time. The hour (at a guess) this man spends watching other people acting at having sex could be used for hundreds of other productive activities
• That's not even taking into account the morally questionable aspects of how it is produced

I just hate porn so much, even the 'amateur' content has a dreadful effect on the brains of men and turns them into bad partners and bad lovers. There is NO reason for men to be watching porn

I was laughing because I was talking from personal experience; I had thought that other women who had given birth would recognise what I was trying to say. I was not laughing at OP.

@YRGAM I agree with everything you say. What you have missed out is that a minority go on to seek more and more extreme material, and engage in riskier and riskier behaviour as they continue to chase the thrill. This is a multi-faceted issue not only affecting relationships and mental health but also with implications for women's safety, fuelling sex trafficking and other criminal activities, not to mention the safety of the children in the house.

Women are sneered at as prudish or vanilla when they raise these issues, it's a way of stopping us from interfering with men's entitlement to sex. So much unacceptable behaviour of men towards women is driven by it.

She put ‘more extreme content’ in the list towards the end. I agree, it’s a very good summary.

I wouldn’t even describe myself as anti-porn, but when you get someone watching often, you absolutely see these things.

I don’t think any of the sex acts that OP’s DH does are, in isolation ‘extreme’. But the combination of behaviours is classic porn addict.

It most definitely changes the way your brain but most of it can be resolved by stopping consuming it.

On the sex forum they constantly say that death grip isn't a thing but then they would as it's 98% men on there.

It's 100% a thing.

I have a very fulfilling sex life with DP and we experiment A LOT.. however that is because I feel so safe with him and know that he’ll stop straightaway if it’s too much.. mutual consent is just that! Your DH sounds like he just totally disregards your feelings and doesn’t make you feel loved and safe, that’s not ok. You need to have an open and honest conversation, he is not taking your feelings into consideration at all. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

But I think the thing thats setting off alarms bells is that he goes soft every time we do missionary, he's always got to fold me up in to some uncomfortable position.
I don't mind experimenting with positions, but i miss "boring" vanilla sex where we connected.

@FunnyBlueTurtle 's husband is consuming porn and masturbating to the point he can't perform sex in missionary. He needs more extreme stimulation to maintain an erection. OP isn't into what he's asking her to do.

You've become sexually incompatible. His libido is high, he's building neural pathways from his porn use and masturbation and that's now what he wants in RL. He's using you like you're his porn doll and you don't enjoy it. He disregards what you enjoy and he can't perform that way anymore. He's actually hurting you at times from the sounds of it. He's going to kill your sex drive dead with his demands and you'll develop an aversion to him and dread when he wants sex.

You can have a talk about how this is making you feel, but I don't think he'll change and there's really no compromise possible. Right now with him out of work, it sounds like you are the breadwinner and have the stress of full financial responsibility. In your shoes, I personally would resent someone sitting home and masturbating rather than making getting a job their full time job while expecting me to be their porn doll and making more and more sexual demands than I was very uncomfortable with and that actually hurt. He doesn't care about you during the act and that's disrespectful.

Its not the acts themself which are the issue, if both partners want to do that. Its the fact that her DH is using her as a sex aid for his own ends, regardless of how it makes her feel.

Id also add it sounds like he does fk all with the house and kids and happy to watch pr0n while OP runs herself ragged.

He is addicted to porn and that is the main issue here .
I don’t think it’s normal to watch porn daily specially if he is bringing uncomfortable stuff to your sex life . You need to talk with him .
Having different libidos is not unusual at all .
And please don’t assume most men want more sex than women. I think once you are close to 40s I see a lot of the opposite .

Women not orgasming from PIV is a biological fact. The majority of women don't orgasm that way.

Men desensitise themselves from wanking with too hard a grip and conversely women can desensitise themselves from using too strong a vibrator.

It's definitely a thing. Pretending that a lot of ED isn't from porn over use is doing men and women a de-service.

Aside from the physical grip, our brains build new neural pathways from being stimulated, that's how we learn new skills and habits, so men literally rewire their brains to only be stimulated from what they've trained (viewed) which is why they can't get it up. It's why males aged from teen to 30s are now experiencing record level ED.

They've rewired their own brains.

Almost like it's been weaponised against them.

Eurgh. That's horrendous OP. I don't know what to say. I've literally only recently walked... ran more like it.... from a "relationship" with someone who couldn't get an erection at all and was using horrible material to masturbate to. Luckily I wasn't with him for long. A marriage is very different of course, but I'm not sure I would want to be with someone who used me like an object, because that's very much what your situation sounds like.

Have you thought about marriage counselling? And is he doing his fair share of the household labour and sorting out the children etc.? Or is he using the time he should be doing his share to masturbate?

Porn is a massive problem now and causing a lot of ED.

I can orgasm solely from penetration, everyone is different, apparently it's rare for women though?

This. He’s addicted. Sorry OP but he needs to speak to a specialist therapist if it continues as it’s highly likely to impact more than just your sex life. It’s psychological

Your post should be pinned to the top of the sex board and the relationships board.
If I could have ❤️ a million times I would have.

I feel like online porn is a weapon which has totally changed not only how women have body hair but also how we have sex and I worry for what women and young girls are going through sexually and will do going forward when AI ramps up.

Young men have ED now in the under 30s age and it's probably the cause of a lot of ED in all age ranges.

My friend is a nurse on a busy A&E department in a city centre hospital and says the amount of young girls (teenage) coming in with anal tears, bruising round the throat and all over and vaginal damage is disturbing and becoming very commonplace.

And then we have the male loneliness epidemic.

I honestly think it's a weapon.

I'm sorry OP, this is your thread and it's being derailed.
If this was me I would watch Your Brain on Porn together and tell him if he doesn't rein it in I won't feel like having sex with him much going forward or ever again. The porn has to go.

You deserve so much better, and in case it flits through your mind, because I've seen it on Relationships before when a poster suffers because of her DH porn use, and tears themselves apart wondering if they're enough, you absolutely are enough.

It's not you. It's him.

You're very lucky and yes we are all different.

I think I read it was around 80% of women that don't come from penetrative sex.

That could also be because of shitty, selfish porn addicted men though or crap sex.

None of which needs to be down to the woman.

"My friend is a nurse on a busy A&E department in a city centre hospital and says the amount of young girls (teenage) coming in with anal tears, bruising round the throat and all over and vaginal damage is disturbing and becoming very commonplace."

Just OMG.

We have always had a difference of libido, and has been a reoccurring talking point throughout our relationship. He wants sex much more than I do…we on average have sex once a week, on the whole, the sex has been good and enjoyable. However, I want it a lot less than him.…..DH masturbates a fair bit. Sometimes daily, sometimes every other day……I don't want sex daily so I can't stop him if that how it feels. He doesn't openly tell me when he's doing it, as he knows I don't like it. But equally I know when he's doing it/done it. I do sometimes wonder if this is a normal amount, but I think that's for a separate thread…..Last night, we hadn't had sex in over a week…..

You will always have a libido clash. One of you will always be unhappy, either you having too much, or him having too little. Or both of you.

What would separation look like?

It's really scary isn't it?

DD has a lovely boyfriend but I worry who she'd meet if they split up because after speaking to my friend, the damage being done to young girls is really horrendous and porn led.

Just what the fuck are they watching?

I just posted a thread about someone I met a few months ago who was watching violent material. All aimed at women. Pretty much all of it aimed at degradation, humiliation, women sobbing, ignored whilst the humiliation continued. What I saw was bad, but I bet there is worse out there.

A lot of it is excused as fetish, BDSM. But I wonder about the consent of the women making the videos and images. The internet, whilst a wonderful tool, has made it easier for the poorer male specimens to consume this foulness.

It's so fucking depressing and scary.

The volume of vile material out there is uncontrolled.

They are supposed to be restricting the use AI glasses because they are being used to stalk and harass women.

I'm so sorry you went through that, you've had such a lucky escape. 💐

This

That's so scary and depressing. I have a 16 and 14 yr old DDs ☹️

I'm with you on the connected 'borring' sex. There's a lot of performative degradation in the so called none vanilla sex.