Missing "boring" s*x

[FunnyBlueTurtle]

DH (40m) and I (36f) have been married nearly 8 years, together for 12. We have children, 5 and 2.

We have always had a difference of libido, and has been a reoccurring talking point throughout our relationship. He wants sex much more than I do.

We on average have sex once a week, on the whole, the sex has been good and enjoyable. However, I want it a lot less than him. I (like most women) need a bit of warming up first, I can't go from zero to horny at the squeeze of a boob in bed. My husband mostly understands this, but I've accepted he will never understand why my head has to be reasonably clear to want sex (e.g. I'm not lying there going through a mental to-do list thinking of all the stuff I need to get done once we're done) he is able to switch off, I can't.

As a result, DH mastubrates a fair bit. Sometimes daily, sometimes every other day. Always whilst watching porn. I don’t love it, but equally I don't want sex daily so I can't stop him if that how it feels. He doesn't openly tell me when he's doing it, as he knows I don't like it. But equally I know when he's doing it/done it. I do sometimes wonder if this is a normal amount, but I think that's for a separate thread.

He's currently between jobs, a new one starting in Jan. Having just left a job he's been in for 20 years. Not having much to do with his days, I have a feeling the masturbating and porn use might have increased.

Which leads me to my problem....

I feel like every time we have sex, he's try to reenact some porn scene. We've always had a relatively vanilla lifestyle, tried the odd thing when we were childfree (a bit of tying to the bed post, 1 anal attempt, bit of spanking, nothing outrageous). Last night, we hadn't had sex in over a week, which i was conscious of so I was trying to get myself in the right headspace (often once it starts I enjoy sex, it's just getting there is the problem) so I went with his advances. Before I know it, what starts as a bit of foreplay, theres suddenly FOUR fingers inside of me. It was horrendous. He did stop when I told him no. It's not the first time he's tried this.

Last time we had sex he asked to finish on my face which was just unpleasant. The other night he practically begged me to sit on his face, again he also knows I'm not a fan.

But I think the thing thats setting off alarms bells is that he goes soft every time we do missionary, he's always got to fold me up in to some uncomfortable position.

I don't mind experimenting with positions, but i miss "boring" vanilla sex where we connected. It all just feels like an act at the moment,playing out whatever scene he's watched this week.

I know I should talk to him, and I will- but I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

This ! How absolutely repellent to behave like this. I would be totally put off having sex with him ever again .

And precisely what is he doing to work with her?

They're not extreme examples on their own, suggesting something new now and again is fine. But from what OP describes I get the impression that her H is doing this all the time now and she is being treated like a piece of meat to perform for him rather than him connecting with her and trying to pleasure her. It would put me off him.

That’s where communication comes in…so far it doesn’t seem like OP has actually discussed this with her DH.

And actually, sex acts without consent are sexual assault. He is sexually assaulting you. The longer this behaviour goes on the more boundaries he will push and then break.
He has a huge problem and needs to address that. Do you want to stay married to a man like this ? What if it just gets worse over time as it almost certainly will ?

Disagree. Having 4 fingers shoved into your vagina without warning is pretty extreme.

So her making it abundantly clear that she doesn’t like what he’s doing isn’t communicating? Ok.

That's a huge stretch. It is not sexual assault. I doubt many people are checking for consent with their spouse for every step they take during foreplay and he stopped when she said no.

@Walkden that is totally not the same

there’s 3 issues likely

i) physical - his sensation likely diminished due to strong grip ( common and well documented )
ii) porn addiction leading to realistic views of sex and needing to seek new stimulation/acts to get turned on
iii) coercing op to do things she doesn’t like or consent to

I’d say he needs to work on all 3 if he wants to save his marriage, not the op.

and if he doesn’t op needs to seriously consider leaving as it won’t get better on its own

I agree with @RomeoRivers there's nothing inherently wrong with what her husband wants and I think it's wrong of PPs to jump to 'porn-addled' which so often seems to be the go to as soon as anything non vanilla is mentioned on here. I'm a woman, and I don't watch porn and I'd be unsatisfied with the 'boring' sex you describe - there is nothing wrong with enjoying things on the kinky side, many women do too, and it's not a sign of sickness as lots of MN posters seem to think. This is simply a question of compatibility.

That's not to say that OP should do anything she doesn't want to, but this is something they are going to have to navigate as equals in a relationship without blame or dismissal.

I'm sorry OP. You are very far from being unreasonable. If your communication is good then definitely find a neutral time and place to discuss this together. Don't make accusations but tell him that you are concerned that porn is giving him unrealistic expectations of what your sex life 'should' look like.

The problem I increasingly see is the sheer entitlement heavy porn users have - that their partners should be there to facilitate their fantasies. Sex becomes a very one sided, internal fantasy projected onto the body of another. This is very different from two people mutually deciding to try specific sex acts to see if they find them mutually enjoyable. If you are interested, this whole area is something you can explore with a good couple's therapist in a way that benefits you both.

He's spicing up the sex life without any advanced warning or discussion about it. Trying new things has to be done carefully and with consent, i.e. not like in porn. I mean "anal attempt" - really? You think that is acceptable with no warning? @RomeoRivers

Are you a bloke?

The problem is trying it without communication or proper consent and not caring whether she is enjoying it because he has watched so much porn he thinks consent is now optional. Or maybe as @RomeoRivers said, anything goes in her vagina now she's had kids. 🤔

You absolutely do not have to do anything in the bedroom your uncomfortable with. Porn can be an outlet but equally it has a very toxic side to it. I would recommend counselling, he needs to get back to reality as to what a real woman is like and as to what a real sex life involves. As you say a quick grope and assume the position is not what we want !

The anal attempt was consensual and discussed in the early days of their relationship, it’s not something that is happening now.

And fwiw I would expect a discussion beforehand about that (hard no for me), but I wouldn’t expect my DH to ask permission before every touch.

And no, I am a woman.

Jesus H Candlesticks. I’m glad that in the extensive ranges of my sex life I’ve never come across you. Are you a virgin? I advise admitting to your partners that you don’t really know what you’re doing and get them to help you work together.

Thanks all for input. I'm definitely not considering leaving him as things currently stand!
As is always the way on these things I gave a few extreme examples, and not a full picutre (absolutely not excusing his behaviours!) To be clear, whenever I've said stop he has stopped, I have never felt unsafe.
I wanted an outside perspective as to whether I'm being a prude.
We generally have good communication, so I shall have a talk with him tonight and lay some boundaries. Thank you again.

4 fingers is going to make anyone uncomfortable in the real sense of the word.

That’s absolutely not what I meant. I’m just saying, as a woman who has had 3 DC, I wouldn’t find the difference between 2/3/4 fingers to be shocking or require a conversation prior.

I'm definitely not a bloke and I have no issue with the 4 fingers, but OP clearly does which is the issue!!

Pregnant with DC 4, so definitely not a virgin… 🙄

But what about what happens before the 4 fingers?

Do I really have to answer that? Obviously being turned on. As far as I know OP didn't say her DH was jumping on her unannounced and sticking 4 fingers inside her though.