Is couples counselling doing more harm than good?

[GoldenGirl85]

My husband and I recently started couples therapy. We have weekly sessions, alternating between individual sessions and sessions together. A few things have happened that have left me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate some outside views, particularly from anyone who has had couples counselling.
Firstly, she repeats things I’ve said in my individual sessions to my husband, which caught me off guard. It’s also how she presents them. For example: “Your wife said you’re evil because of XYZ. What do you have to say about that?” I appreciate that individual sessions within couples therapy might work differently regarding confidentiality, but I hadn’t understood that things would be repeated like this.
Secondly, I told her about my husband’s behaviour at my best friend’s wedding, where I was a bridesmaid. He doesn’t particularly like going out, but he sulked throughout, complained he was cold and wanted to leave, and refused to help me with our one-year-old while I was up and down doing bridesmaid duties.
When I said I didn’t think this behaviour was normal or acceptable, she said it was normal, that I should go out without him if he behaves like this whenever we’re invited somewhere, and that I shouldn’t force him to act a certain way when we’re out. I felt she missed my concern: I needed him to support me and look after our child at an important event.
Finally, I mentioned privately that I wondered whether my husband might be autistic. She told me off for suggesting it and said she would do an assessment. She then told him what I’d said, described the suggestion as nonsense, asked him some questions on the call and told him he wasn’t autistic. As far as I know, she’s a counsellor rather than someone qualified to carry out an autism assessment, so I’m uncomfortable with how confidently she dismissed it.

I’m now finding it difficult to speak openly in my individual sessions, and I’m worried the counselling is doing more for harm than good. My husband, however, really likes her and wants to continue.

Am I correct to be concerned about her approach? Have others experienced anything similar, particularly around what gets shared from individual sessions?

She sounds awful. Find a new therapist.

Find a new counsellor! She sounds very unprofessional.

I think what would and would not be shared would be set out at the start and unless she is a specialist psychologist, its unlikely she can diagnose or rule out Autistic Spectrum Disorder in a brief call. Does she share your husband's comments with you?

If you aren't comfortable then therapy isn't going to work whether they are right or wrong. Would it be possible to change your individual therapist?

Thanks for responding. I thought as much this wasn’t right.

I thought this was unprofessional. Not sure how to convince my husband we should see someone else though. It was hard getting him this far!

Counselling/therapy in the UK is a completely unregulated industry, anyone can call themselves or market themselves as a relationship counsellor or therapist, with zero qualifications or experience, and lots of them do more harm than good.

This one sounds like a dud. Cancel any further sessions.

We never explicitly clarified confidentiality, I just assumed. This isn’t my first rodeo with therapy but it is with couples counselling.

Now that I think of it, she doesn’t mention things my husband says in our individual sessions 🧐.

trouble is we do it all with this same woman. This is her approach to couples therapy.

Oh wow, I never knew that. She’s registered to the BACP so I guess I could pursue a complaint via them.

she was recommended to me so I don’t actually know her credentials but can investigate that.

Any professional would have discussed confidentiality. I think it’s totally inappropriate to discuss anything like this you’ve told her in your individual sessions. If there was a particular aspect she wanted to raise in the joint sessions that you mentioned, she should have discussed this with you in your individual session to get permission. It’s probably ok for general things to be raised that you’ve mentioned such as you mention about the wedding and she says in the joint session with that you feel you don’t always get the share childcare equally or something. Not specifics though or personal statements.

Has she done the same to your husband and repeated personal things he’s told her in his individual sessions to you in your joint sessions, or has it been all one way?

Totally inappropriate.

Plus is find it highly unlikely she’s qualified to say anyone is or isn’t autistic. Unless she had a previous job doing that! So that’s totally inappropriate too.

Where did you find her? Did you husband find some random person to delve into your secrets?

Look on the British Association of Counsellors for accredited counsellors.

Absolutely get rid of her, and complain to the BACP. It's ridiculously unprofessional of her to be raising discussions from your IC in your MC.

It is generally frowned upon for a couples counsellor to also provide counselling to the individuals as it can affect neutrality and create issues with conflict of interest and confidentiality, as you are discovering. If she’s BACP registered I would complain to them and find someone new.

Couples counselling is best when everyone is honest.

I had one like this. Throw her in the bin. Not literally of course, though that might be quite funny.

That’s outrageously unprofessional.

What on earth do you mean by that??

This “counsellor” sounds wildly unprofessional.

It sounds like you want someone to blindly complain about anything husband to, never disagree, never have him know or get any other perspective, and the only solutions to be how he is wrong and how to change him.

And yes, people who declare others as "autistic" because they have decided someone elses behaviour or way of doing things can't possibly be different from them and not be the "wrong" type to be normal, is pretty bad.

She might also be bad at the job, but it doesn't sound like anyone other than bad in a different way will be a good fit for you.

The confidentiality situation should have been made absolutely clear at the start of counselling. I'm not sure what model of couple counselling this is supposed to be, alternating between individual and couple sessions. It sounds unethical to me. Yes you should end the sessions and report her to the BACP.

"Blackoutmaybe · Today 21:44
It is generally frowned upon for a couples counsellor to also provide counselling to the individuals as it can affect neutrality and create issues with conflict of interest and confidentiality, as you are discovering. If she’s BACP registered I would complain to them and find someone new."

This with bells on. Only a very competent therapist could manage doing private sessions with each of you and then a couple's session and maintain the necessary boundaries. The therapist should absolutely not be bringing up matters raised in your private sessions without a very clear direction from you that it is acceptable to do so. She is either very inexperienced or just not very good at her job.

This sounds like ill-informed word salad.

I think this post has gone over your head so best you sit this one out.

It sounds alot like she has taken your husband's side. This can happen as a result of transference or counter transference in the therapeutic alliance. It's a concern because this could cause real harm to your marriage and to you. I would end therapy with her.

This isn’t true. Most couples’ counsellors see the couple together, then do intermittent individual sessions between couple sessions to support the couples work. It’s very standard practice. There are definitely issues here, but that’s not one of them. Autism can only be diagnosed by a professional qualified to do that, and it takes a full and proper assessment to come to that conclusion.

I've had counseling in the past and always look for someone with a string of letters after their name, the more the better. ie lots of formal qualifications. For me to have faith in them I like to feel they are much more knowledgeable than me on the subject

Sure, but the counsellor shouldn’t contravene the confidentiality of either person’s individual sessions, or share information in the joint sessions without discussing that in advance with both clients.

That's not what's happening here. They are alternating between individual and couple sessions and apparently the counsellor is sharing information from the OP's sessions only with the OP's partne, but nothing in the opposite direction r. What model of couple counselling do you consider this to be?