Is couples counselling doing more harm than good?

[GoldenGirl85]

My husband and I recently started couples therapy. We have weekly sessions, alternating between individual sessions and sessions together. A few things have happened that have left me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate some outside views, particularly from anyone who has had couples counselling.
Firstly, she repeats things I’ve said in my individual sessions to my husband, which caught me off guard. It’s also how she presents them. For example: “Your wife said you’re evil because of XYZ. What do you have to say about that?” I appreciate that individual sessions within couples therapy might work differently regarding confidentiality, but I hadn’t understood that things would be repeated like this.
Secondly, I told her about my husband’s behaviour at my best friend’s wedding, where I was a bridesmaid. He doesn’t particularly like going out, but he sulked throughout, complained he was cold and wanted to leave, and refused to help me with our one-year-old while I was up and down doing bridesmaid duties.
When I said I didn’t think this behaviour was normal or acceptable, she said it was normal, that I should go out without him if he behaves like this whenever we’re invited somewhere, and that I shouldn’t force him to act a certain way when we’re out. I felt she missed my concern: I needed him to support me and look after our child at an important event.
Finally, I mentioned privately that I wondered whether my husband might be autistic. She told me off for suggesting it and said she would do an assessment. She then told him what I’d said, described the suggestion as nonsense, asked him some questions on the call and told him he wasn’t autistic. As far as I know, she’s a counsellor rather than someone qualified to carry out an autism assessment, so I’m uncomfortable with how confidently she dismissed it.

I’m now finding it difficult to speak openly in my individual sessions, and I’m worried the counselling is doing more for harm than good. My husband, however, really likes her and wants to continue.

Am I correct to be concerned about her approach? Have others experienced anything similar, particularly around what gets shared from individual sessions?

Not without mood stabilising medication. I don’t even think more practical therapies would be good enough.

for example, we now have cleaners (a real struggle) and he was so triggered by the fact that they washed our dishes and it sent him on a downward spiral for the rest of that day.

I think if you lived in my house for just one week you would understand why I suspect autism. There’s so much more to it that I can’t even begin to get into in a post. Also autism is a spectrum.

Really sorry you went through this but this exactly it!

Yes, we’re Christians but I from the outset understates pastors are ill equipped to be therapists and they start spouting misogynistic, cultural nonsense, I cut it off.

this therapist is completely separate but I have gathered that she’s likely Christian-adjacent.

because of suspected neurodivergency, if my husband was to get a diagnosis from a person of authority he would likely take it serious. Plus I think he needs support navigating life. He’s 30 as has survived, also working in finance has I think allowed h to go under the radar but we’ve entered a new stage in life (married with kids) so he needs to be able to adapt. I also think he needs medication in the form of mood stabilisers /anti anxiety but one step at a time!

I was going to suggest ditching the couples counselling and getting a proper therapist for yourself, but on the basis of your update, the money might be better spent on a good divorce lawyer.

On a website called BetterHelp/Regain. She was also recommended via a friend who’s struggles with an adhd husband

'Triggered' by someone washing the dishes? I'm afraid I had a good giggle at that, but you must see that this is neither normal behaviour nor loveable eccentricity.

Reading OPs posts is very sad, this man is a bully, manipulative and very abusive. OP stop desperately scrambling to find reasons for his horrible behaviour; counselling, a diagnosis.
Does your religion discourage divorce? the honeymoon and kicking you out constantly would have most women running for the hills.
A diagnosis will only serve to justify his abuse, in your shoes I would make plans to leave.

You need a BACP counsellor. They are regulated, have a frameworks of ethics and standards and have a register of members you can search. Confidentiality is an issue important .

I still do not understand why you suspect autism at all. Nothing you write suggests that and you could be barking up the wrong tree.

He’s already had one (albeit crap) counsellor tell him he is not autistic and he’s going to hang onto that regardless of what you do now. Even if was formally diagnosed properly via many assessments it’s still no justification or excuse for how you have and are being treated by him.

Is this woman registered with BACP? I would check her qualifications very carefully, she sounds really unprofessional. I had a really bad experience with a couples counsellor and would never try it again.

What you are describing absolutely goes against BACPS ethics.

"Counsellor" is a very broad church in this country, unfortunately. From highly qualified professionals to people who've done a weekend course. This person sounds like the latter. But even if she's not, finding the right counsellor can take time. It's not unusual to try several people before finding the one whose approach and personality fits with yours. But she sounds awful and I wouldn't go back.

I agree gently with other commentators, it doesn't really sound like you and your husband are suited - he can be a high earner, a good father but if he is a poor partner due to his character it will take a lot for that to change, mainly from him, and he is not going to have the motivation to do this unless there is something in it for him.

With regards to the therapy, whilst the current therapist may not be doing 'normal' work, you have already tried 2 others and you say this person was recommended. Why were they recommended? I ask that because it sounds like you are shopping around for the answer you want and seeking external validation here, which isn't really confronting the reality of the situation.

Overall, as other posters have said, is it really worth all this energy and effort? Divorce may be easier.

This explains a lot unfortunately. I suggest that you look for a private therapist on BACP or similar. You could also contact RELATE who may be of benefit to you although unfortunately I've heard mixed reviews about their therapists.

Autism sounds like a definite possibility. Many of the things you have mentioned are common features of autistic people. However they are not exclusive to autistic people and you have not strongly touched on the defining features of autism. Eg lack of understanding of non-verbal communication. I have virtually no comprehension of facial expressions, body language and cannot ‘read the room’. I also take things very literally and therfore often don’t understand sarcasm and jokes. For these reasons it is also easy for people to bully me.

i am concerned about him kicking you out of the house and stopping you from
seeing people. I know you are explaining
these actions as his autistic need for samenes but at the same time these are very controlling behaviors and I would be asking whether or not he has the ability to understand that these are unreasonable requests. Given that you mention he is very intelligent, I’m guessing the answer to this is yes.

Look after yourself OP and give this careful thought. If you do think he is autistic, he needs an assessment so everyone around him can understand his issues.

The fact you no longer feel comfortable speaking openly in your sessions says quite a lot really in my opinion. Surely being able to trust your counsellor is one of the most important parts of the whole process

I think you are trying to explain away the behaviour of your husband. Some autistic people are prescribed antidepressants as mood stabilisers but they tend to be suffering intense anxiety such that they are suicidal or suffer huge environmental issues such as agoraphobia. There is no drug that addresses distress due a cleaner washing dishes but being happy for your spouse to do it.

Your DH seems to have had no particular issues at school, gained qualifications and has a high earning career in finance. His only ‘issues’ seem to be related to being a good enough husband and father.

I would recommend individual counselling. If you insist on couple counselling, I know Relate can be hit and miss but after several months our joint counsellor finally saw through DH (now ex) - based on his own words - nothing I had said. I know joint counselling is not advised if there is abuse but sometimes you are so deep in denial you don’t see the truth and a joint counsellor calling it out is liberating.

She sounds like a con, drop her asap

You need to find a new therapist

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship :(
His behavior is not conducive to being in a relationship, and you and your children shouldn't have to put up with it.
You would be better getting proper counselling on your own and getting yourself in a good place. Hopefully when you are in a better place mentally you will see that this situation isn't healthy.

Please don't waste your life waiting for him to change.

if she's through Better Help, she will be accredited with a professional body. which is why it's good that of a considering a compliant. There are some great therapists air there. And some seriously poor ones. If OPs confidentiality is being breached, that is very wrong. Now, it may be that the reasons and parameters for the individual sessions were explained and not fully understood by OP. In which case the counsellor should have addressed that when OP brought it up. Sometimes when you work with a couple or family, people get angry or disappointed if the therapist does not wholeheartedly agree with them. Its impossible to say whether that's a factor here. But if confidentiality was not clearly discussed, and if the therapist is biased , OP needs to find someone else immediately and look into a complaint.