Is couples counselling doing more harm than good?

[GoldenGirl85]

My husband and I recently started couples therapy. We have weekly sessions, alternating between individual sessions and sessions together. A few things have happened that have left me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate some outside views, particularly from anyone who has had couples counselling.
Firstly, she repeats things I’ve said in my individual sessions to my husband, which caught me off guard. It’s also how she presents them. For example: “Your wife said you’re evil because of XYZ. What do you have to say about that?” I appreciate that individual sessions within couples therapy might work differently regarding confidentiality, but I hadn’t understood that things would be repeated like this.
Secondly, I told her about my husband’s behaviour at my best friend’s wedding, where I was a bridesmaid. He doesn’t particularly like going out, but he sulked throughout, complained he was cold and wanted to leave, and refused to help me with our one-year-old while I was up and down doing bridesmaid duties.
When I said I didn’t think this behaviour was normal or acceptable, she said it was normal, that I should go out without him if he behaves like this whenever we’re invited somewhere, and that I shouldn’t force him to act a certain way when we’re out. I felt she missed my concern: I needed him to support me and look after our child at an important event.
Finally, I mentioned privately that I wondered whether my husband might be autistic. She told me off for suggesting it and said she would do an assessment. She then told him what I’d said, described the suggestion as nonsense, asked him some questions on the call and told him he wasn’t autistic. As far as I know, she’s a counsellor rather than someone qualified to carry out an autism assessment, so I’m uncomfortable with how confidently she dismissed it.

I’m now finding it difficult to speak openly in my individual sessions, and I’m worried the counselling is doing more for harm than good. My husband, however, really likes her and wants to continue.

Am I correct to be concerned about her approach? Have others experienced anything similar, particularly around what gets shared from individual sessions?

Erm. This isn't correct if you choose someone registered with BACP. Check their list, OP. This is highly irregular. If she is registered, she needs seriously reporting and struck off!

Of course your husband wants to stay, it seems like she's putting him on a pedestal and unilaterally agreeing with him. I wonder why. How strange. 🤔 Counsellors should not be providing judgement in this way, just helping you explore your feelings. Either way, cancel your next sessions and get someone new!

With all those details on his behaviour on your update, and you still want to stay with him? Madness! Your self esteem must be low as you deserve so much better. There is no treatment for his behaviour.

Just reading what you’ve said about divorce and that the previous two therapists had been pastors, presumably you are involved in religion in some way possibly evangelical if there are pastors? Was the therapist referred by somebody also in the church? From this perspective the “therapy” sounds very much like old fashioned / fundamentalist wives should obey their husbands and do as they are told therapy rather than a proper modern approach.

also, your husband does sound like he might be somewhere on the spectrum, but I’m not sure what you’d expect treatment to do.

You have my sympathies, op, as bad couples counselling can be uniquely damaging. I had a similar situation with a counsellor who clearly favoured my husband. Example: on pointing on that he never complemented me, she sighed and said it must be exhausting living with someone who constantly seeks flattery - not something either of us had said and so far off-beam it was unreal! When I pointed her dismissiveness to me out it caused more arguments as he said I just didn’t want to be told what was what. He had no sense of how unprofessional she was as he had no prior experience of counselling - it was obviously just nice for him to go along and be validated! Years later we still can’t talk about it’s too incendiary.

If I were you, I’d find a different individual counsellor and park the couples counselling for a while. If you find a decent counsellor, perhaps they can recommend a healthy way of engaging with joint counselling again. But I truly believe poor couples counselling is worse than none.

Yes, plus there’s an assumption from the therapist that the only good outcome is the couple remaining married.

Sorry OP - this just sounds like he is just an arsehole!

My DH is ADHD. He does not get to behave like that!

And if he does have autism, he would have to gain some self-awareness and willingness to accommodate your needs if he loves you (if). Do you think he would be able to do that?

Erm, nope. You need to find someone new. Firstly she should always fully explain her approach and make sure you consent to things like sharing things discussed in private sessions in your couples sessions. You should not be taken by surprise like that. Additionally, she shouldn’t be dismissing you or telling you something is ‘normal’ or ‘nonesense’. She should be validating how you feel and then explore your husband’s perspective and find a way for him to understand your perspective. And the autism thing is weird - if she’s not a qualified assessor she should not give any option on it and instead encourage you to speak to someone who is or help you broach the subject of an assessment with your husband (if that’s what you wanted to do).

A good counsellor should be staying fairly impartial and instead be encouraging you each to open up, for you both to practice active listening, encourage each of you to look inwards at yourself and to try and understand your partners perspective and where needed help create new approaches to overcome recurrent arguments or issues.

A good therapist is someone who makes you feel safe sharing things and it does not sound like that’s the case here.

i don’t know how much you’re paying, but often a really decent couples therapist has the credentials and experience to back it up and they’re not cheap, but can be very helpful.

There is a lot of ill-informed nonsense written on this thread. It is absolutely normal to do some individual sessions in couples' counselling. The goal is to help people get clarity about what they are trying to say to their partner as people aren't always clear about this themselves. It also helps take the heat and light out of it so people can express themselves more calmly and clearly. They are often trying to find a way to express deeply personal and sensitive material to the other.

What IS an issue is that she is being one sided. This is a her issue. She absolutely should NOT be revealing individual work to the other without express permission. I will caveat that by saying that therapists will not generally hold confidence for one party to the detriment of the other (e.g. if one had an affair or has amassed a lot of debt) and this should be made explicit from the start. Instead we might assist people in finding the way to express this information themselves. I always warn couples that I am not a priest and I don't keep secrets from the other.

Unfortunately it can take a few attempts to find the right therapist. Too many people stick to the first one they find. I always tell people upfront that if we aren't vibing, they should tell me so we can change approach or I can signpost them elsewhere. It really is important that people do their due diligence and check that their therapist is professionally trained and registered.

Don't be afraid to shop around for a new therapist. She may just not be very good at her job. Some people are very undertrained but others have lots of training but lack the personal qualities needed to do the work effectively and ethically. Good luck! It's brave work doing couples' therapy.

She sounds awful. Do you want to stay married to your husband though?

She sounds like a very dangerous fraud.
No way would i be returning to see her.

100% report her.
Such people are dangerous in the damage they do.

Often additionally abusing a woman by repeating private conversations.

Your first line isn't wrong. Please let us know which model of couples therapy permanently alternates between a session with the couple and then a regular individual session with each individual.

@bigboykittyperhaps you misread me. I didn't say anything in my post about permanently alternating, this isn't anything I've experienced or heard of personally. What is common is doing individual work as and when the need arises with very strict and well-defined boundaries. The nonsense I refer to is the horde of comments about how individual work never occurs with couples. This is patently untrue.

I didn't misread you. You said this:

It is absolutely normal to do some individual sessions in couples' counselling

But that isn't what this therapist is doing. OP said she is alternating. I don't think this is a recognised model and it's what facilitates the one way, uncontracted breaching of confidentiality. All of it is maverick and unprofessional.

If he was paying her to be on your side and gaslight you she would behave just like this

Yes and I've suggested that the OP finds a different therapist! But the point you quoted was a general one to those reading the thread that individual sessions in themselves are not taboo within joint therapy. People were claiming with such confidence that individual sessions should never happen and this is simply untrue.

Therapy is not helping your relationship, I think dragging up and re-living all the problems in a relationship is hardly likely to help it, just highlight why you would be better off apart. If you haven't managed to work it out between you it's probably not fixable.

There is no treatment for autism.
There are medications for ADHD, but it takes time to find the right one at the right dosage.
Often people have both conditions, so a dual-diagnosis is made, sometimes informally called AuDHD

multiple mood swings in the space of an hour, - could be a mental health problem, neither autism or ADHD

inability to hold conversations, - hard to say

getting angry/distressed in new environments, - could be autism

struggle detaching from his mum, - could be just a weak personality, could be neurodivergence

not letting my friends or family come to our house, - classic tactic of abusers to isolate their victim, could also be autism

emotional outbursts in public, general maniac behaviour like unnecessary road rage, cutting people up on the road, not giving right of way to people etc. this is all current offences - could be a mental health problem, neither autism or ADHD, or could just be 'arsehole personality'

When we first got married and I moved into his house, he kept kicking me out when things were out of place. He really struggles with change. The struggling with change could be autism. Kicking you out was abusive and shows he was not ready or capable of being in a relationship

On our honeymoon he had a meltdown because I decided I wanted to walk and explore the strip when our original plan was to visit one place and return to the hotel. - could be autism

But all this is beside the point.
The real question is why do you want to stay with him when his behaviour is so dreadful, even if the behaviour is caused by neurodivergence.
Plus, you can be neurodivergent and still be a naturally nasty person. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Him being diagnosed with autism or ADHD or a mental illness does not mean you are morally obliged to stay with him.

Personally, I would stop the counselling and go for divorce.

I can't imagine anything more souls destroying than couples counselling. But I suppose some people must find it useful.

He sounds more controlling than neurodivergent, although it is very hard to say from this distance. However, I know about both because I have autism and ADHD, plus I was in a a controlling relationship. It is of course possible to be neurodivergent and an abuser.

There are a few aspects that sound potentially like autism eg not liking change and becoming distresssd in unfamiliar environments. There are some that could be ADHD eg road rage and emotional outbursts could be seen as impulsivity.

However, a lot of it sounds like coercive control eg
trying to kick you out, now allowing your friends and family into the home, road rage (“I’m the important one around here- everyone else should get out of my way”) .

Do uoh know what he was like in childhood? How did he do at school? And dyslexia?

I think the control aspects come from not liking change. When people are in your house, things get out of place and he can feel uncomfortable if he can’t stick to his routine.

very intelligent in school especially math. Listening to stories from his mum, it’s clear to me that he’s likely autistic. E.g. her saying how neat he was, eating plain pasta and rice well into childhood, liking to be by himself etc

yes ot is actually. This is our 3rd ‘therapist’ (the first two per pastor’s and their wives) and they’re all so arrogant. They listen to you for 20 minutes and think they know your life story and then starting making comments and giving advice without real understanding of the situation. They also can have hidden agendas and their own biases.

omg! It sounds like she's actively trying to stir the pot and split you up.

Thanks for your assessment, have given me lots to think about. I think he’s likely AuAdHD and a bit of an arsehole!

we have a young daughter and another on the way. He’s a great hands on father. It would be foolish for me to make myself a single mother at this stage. I’m overtly aware that he’s likely only a great father because we’re in the same house.

also finances. He’s a very high earner and this offers me a lot of freedoms and flexibility in life.

and I do actually love him and we have some amazing times together when he hasn’t been triggered and things are stable.

Yes, that’s my thinking that repeating things to my husband verbatim could only cause issues.