Is couples counselling doing more harm than good?

[GoldenGirl85]

My husband and I recently started couples therapy. We have weekly sessions, alternating between individual sessions and sessions together. A few things have happened that have left me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate some outside views, particularly from anyone who has had couples counselling.
Firstly, she repeats things I’ve said in my individual sessions to my husband, which caught me off guard. It’s also how she presents them. For example: “Your wife said you’re evil because of XYZ. What do you have to say about that?” I appreciate that individual sessions within couples therapy might work differently regarding confidentiality, but I hadn’t understood that things would be repeated like this.
Secondly, I told her about my husband’s behaviour at my best friend’s wedding, where I was a bridesmaid. He doesn’t particularly like going out, but he sulked throughout, complained he was cold and wanted to leave, and refused to help me with our one-year-old while I was up and down doing bridesmaid duties.
When I said I didn’t think this behaviour was normal or acceptable, she said it was normal, that I should go out without him if he behaves like this whenever we’re invited somewhere, and that I shouldn’t force him to act a certain way when we’re out. I felt she missed my concern: I needed him to support me and look after our child at an important event.
Finally, I mentioned privately that I wondered whether my husband might be autistic. She told me off for suggesting it and said she would do an assessment. She then told him what I’d said, described the suggestion as nonsense, asked him some questions on the call and told him he wasn’t autistic. As far as I know, she’s a counsellor rather than someone qualified to carry out an autism assessment, so I’m uncomfortable with how confidently she dismissed it.

I’m now finding it difficult to speak openly in my individual sessions, and I’m worried the counselling is doing more for harm than good. My husband, however, really likes her and wants to continue.

Am I correct to be concerned about her approach? Have others experienced anything similar, particularly around what gets shared from individual sessions?

Hi, I have experience of being on both sides. I have had couples therapy (over 20 years ago now) and I am a therapist myself, but I don't do couples work.

When my DH and I did the counselling we only met the Relate counsellor as a couple and we found it to be very, very helpful. We're still together for a start. My DH called it "refereed arguing" which about summed it up. We could not discuss our issues on our own without arguments, but the therapist was able to keep us on the issue and to help us to really hear each other.

I concur with PPs that the therapist is poor. They should have explained fully what you could expect with regards to confidentiality but telling each other what the other has said just sounds unethical to me and against how I practice. If I am to share something with someone the client knows I will do this with or without their permission if there's a safety issue but if I feel a chat with another will help them, and it's not safeguarding, then I will always consult the client and ask permission. This therapist is taking sides by the sounds of it and sharing their opinions and judgements. Therapy 101 is to always be non-judgemental.

I would seek a new therapist as they could be doing more harm than good. For example, the bit about how you felt your DH did not support you as bridesmaid, where was the empathy and acknowledgement of your feelings that I would naturally have given?

Ditch this useless therapist immediately and complain to the BACP about her conduct.

I would also consider divorce re your husband. HIs sulking behaviour was punishment to you as well as abusive in nature. Sulking is an example of emotional abuse. How is he with you day to day?. Does he usually sulk or drag his feet on any occasion you are invited to?.

If counselling is to be at all considered going forward. I would go on my own.

I am not surprised he likes this counsellor because she has taken his side. Of course he therefore wants to continue the sessions with her because you also get no say. She does not also recognise the abusive element of his sulking behaviour and for that reason too she should be given the boot.

A relationship is already over if you are considering couples therapy as the solution to your problems. Stop spending money on this particular brand of snake oil and save it for your divorce.

You're correct. That does not sound like professional therapy at all

If you do suspect your DH is autistic you need to see a couples therapist who has experience working with ND/NT couples to help you work on better understanding each other.

She’s just s**t! I really don’t think those things should happen…..Get a new therapist.

Whenever I read about marriage counsellors on here I am reminded of the bit on Peep Show when Jez trains to become a life coach.

If you’re going to invite a third party to engage with the most intimate aspects of your marriage, for Gods sake pick someone who is qualified and regulated. There are plenty of accredited counsellors and qualified psychologists who do marriage counselling. This woman sounds completely unprofessional and I’m horrified by what you describe.

I would also be concerned by her approach. I would end both individual and couples counselling with her. FWIW, your husband's behaviour at the wedding was unacceptable and not normal.

Your therapist is dreadful. Confidentiality should be absolute.

Where I am, this would not fly at all. Couples therapists would not be doing individual therapy with both parties too, much less disclosing any info from those sessions. Sharing info from individual sessions would be an absolute failure on the counselor's part.

Therapy requires building a therapeutic relationship and you can't have that without confidentiality. Your counselor has violated that.

I think you have a shit counselor and would stop attending and cite violation of confidentiality as my reason. I'd also report their ass to their licensing board.

It took us 6 therapists to find a good one! But really worth it when you do. I'd also recommend individual counselling before trying couples counseling.

Definitely complain. She sounds awful.

I’ve done it twice. First time with an abusive partner it did more harm than good. I hadn’t realised I was being abused and all it led to was him getting more information on how to control me and support his argument we needed to work in the relationship while actually not trying himself and leeching all the joy from my life. She made suggestions and would make comments like ‘that seems reasonable’ ‘I can understand that’ etc I very much felt like she was siding with him. Her focus was clearly on making us stay together like that was her role.

second time. Was very different. She asked us what we thought of what the other person had just said. Lots of how does that make you feel. Can you elaborate on that. Etc etc. I couldn’t tell you who’s ‘side’ she came down on or if she agreed or disagreed with anything I said. She was there to help us understand each other and work through some stuff. I actually ended my relationship mid season haha. He wasn’t abusive just lazy and selfish and counselling helped me see it.

get a new councillor.

also that sulking while you a bridesmaid story is a red flag to me. Would you like to elaborate on other things that have happened? My abusive ex would sulk as a way to alienate me from friends and family it’s a very common tactic….

Basic councillors have very basic qualifications and she shouldn't be sharing her opinion. Your individual sessions should be confidential. I'd drop her and find a proper psychotherapist specialising in couples work.

well this is therapist number 3 but the first two were pastors and were absolutely awful. My husband seems to think I’m running away from the truth and I lack self awareness.

Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it. I was shocked when the therapist said his behaviour was normal and that the solution would be to stop going to places with him.

Perhaps

Agree with others she sounds very unprofessional and she seems to be taking DHs side which they are not supposed to do.
Where did you find her? You hear horror stories of female friends posing as therapists for men who want to manipulate their wives!
I'd suggest you stop seeing her and stop the couples sessions and find yourself a reputable therapist. DH can keep seeing her if he wants but she sounds unhelpful to the marriage.

Counselling is a very wide field and even people who are accredited can have vastly levels of competence.

it is not unusual for couples counsellors to do some individual sessions. However, if there are significant individual uses to be addressed, I would expect you to be referred to someone else for this.

I can see a case for full disclosure from themes identified in your individual sessions. However that should never be a suprise to you
Breaches & Confidentiality are extremely serious and if its as you describe there is a serious violation of the code ethics she is supposed to work within and you have a solid basis for complaint.

Thank you. I’m seriously considering a complaint to the BACP and trying to convince my husband this therapist is not good.

divorce is off the table for now as I would like to explore a neurodivergence diagnosis first and possible treatment.

yes, every time I bring him to an event it’s a nightmare especially if it involves staying outside the home.

other examples include multiple mood swings in the space of an hour, inability to hold conversations, getting angry/distressed in new environments, struggle detaching from his mum, not letting my friends or family come to our house, emotional outbursts in public, general maniac behaviour like unnecessary road rage, cutting people up on the road, not giving right of way to people etc. this is all current offences. When we first got married and I moved into his house, he kept kicking me out when things were out of place. He really struggles with change. On our honeymoon he had a meltdown because I decided I wanted to walk and explore the strip when our original plan was to visit one place and return to the hotel.

Check her name under psychologist on the hcpc website: https://www.hcpc-uk.org/check-the-register/

If she is not there, disregard what she said about autism.

It is completely true. A one off individual session at the start, maybe, but ongoing individual sessions, no. Because the “client” in those scenarios is different. Individually, you are the client and the priority, together, it’s is the marriage that is the client. The VAST majority of therapists do not do this because of this conflict.

Golly, just regarding your last post - why will you not consider divorce? What can he possibly add to your life - it sounds utterly miserable.

Nothing of what you write suggests neuro diversity and even if he did have some additional needs it’s still no excuse or justification for how you have been treated.

He is abusive along with being a mummy’s boy instead and abuse is also not a relationship issue.