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Why did he ghost when sex was on the table

77 replies

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:04

Ok so this is a bit of an anecdote inspired by the other 'ghosting' threads. Just for entertainment really. I've (more or less) moved on but would like some perspective on what probably really happened! It's fairly long just bear with me...

So one day I just really wanted a casual night out. Went on hinge and matched with a guy 10 years my junior (I'm 33). He quickly suggested taking it to whatsapp. He texted with xx's and was quite friendly. We set up a date (in a cocktail bar), and whilst the texting wasn't sexual, it was pretty clear we were going for an ONS. He was coming to my city for a conference only, and would otherwise be about 2 hours away.

About 2 hours before the date, he suggested if I wanted to meet in his hotel lobby instead 'if it's going to be casual'. I said no, I would like to meet in the bar. So we still met in the bar. We chatted for 2-3 hours and had a couple of drinks and went back to his hotel.

Well, we ended up not having sex cuz neither of us had any condoms. Just made out. I left his hotel, then we both texted something like 'what a shame' 'when we're next near each other's city we should meet up'.

About a couple of weeks after, I was planning on going to his city so I asked him out for a Friday night meet up. I said food/drinks. He replied quickly and said he'd look for a place. He picked a nice cocktail bar.

I walked into the date (this time bringing condoms!!) thinking we'll definitely do it. We ended up talking for 3 hours (7-10pm)... and quite a good conversation too. We talked about life values, our perspective on marriage/love (we don't believe in it), travel stories, some UK politics, etc. He drove most of the topics forward and I was thinking... will we ever get to do it lol. Also after our meal there was a natural window to leave but he started ordering a cocktail. So we talked and drank some more.

Then his brother called. Apparently he got stranded with his car in the middle of nowhere. Something about the tire suspension. He showed me the calling screen while the brother rang. He started doing the maths aloud... getting to his brother would be 20 minutes, sorting out the car another 30, then coming back to my hotel would be 20, etc. He looked genuinely torn but I told him he gotta go help his brother.

So he drove me back to the hotel and he said, well, I might call you later if the situation got sorted early. I said, Well, I'm still here tomorrow if you're free.

It was near midnight and I was getting sleepy so I texted him, thanking him for dinner, and I'm going to sleep but I'm around tomorrow.

Next day, Saturday, he didn't reply until 2pm. He said, he ended up going home after midnight. He didn't take up the thread on me still being in his city.

Well, obviously we didn't see each other again. Then about a week after that, I asked him if he wanted to meet up as I'm going to his city. He just never replied.

I thought it's odd that he didn't take up the opportunity to meet up the next day, when sex was clearly on the table (as it's kinda an unfinished business from the night before). Or the next time when I invited him and I was gonna go to his city. I don't think I give off 'wanting serious relationship vibe' as we never texted in between!!

Anyway, apart from 'he's just not that into you'... what do you think is going on??

I already blocked him but it's still a mystery...

OP posts:
malloryknox123 · 28/10/2026 20:16

He must have got cold feet or somehow changed his mind about having sex with you. The old family member emergency is a bit of a cliche, but generally means a person wants to bail.

Wistfultearia · 28/10/2026 20:19

He changed his mind. Goodness knows why, but it's not worth your time wondering.

Arlanymor · 28/10/2026 20:21

He wasn't that into you.

BrilliantBetty · 28/10/2026 20:22

Sceptical about the phone call / excuse but perhaps it was real.
Sometimes people just have to be in the right frame of mind to want even a casual conversation/ hook up relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong or put him off. But repeatedly offering to meet up might have been the nail in the coffin, for whatever reason. Don’t message again.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 28/10/2026 20:22

Anyway, apart from 'he's just not that into you'... what do you think is going on??

It probably was just that. He wasn't as up for it as he'd expected so got his brother to call him.

tarheelbaby · 28/10/2026 20:22

Kindly, it's not you but I reckon it was all too complicated for him and the distance is a final straw deal-breaker. The occasional shag if you happen to be in each others' cities is just too tenuous. He's not ready for the travelling salesman rotation yet.
Since he's 23, he's a baby and he'll be out on the pull any night he fancies going out and he'll be looking for a contemporary (not b/c you're past it) b/c he'll be looking for a longer term, local lady (less effort per shag) and potentially permanently. And at ca 23, the world is his oyster. He has no idea about the horror of being 35 ... 😂
Keep casting your net. If you travel for work, build your network in other cities? There will be plenty of 30+ men keen for an occasional meet.

seahorsessky · 28/10/2026 20:25

The first time, neither of you had condoms? And you were planning on meeting for sex? And surely the place you were, or dozens of places nearby, would have sold them?

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:25

seahorsessky · 28/10/2026 20:25

The first time, neither of you had condoms? And you were planning on meeting for sex? And surely the place you were, or dozens of places nearby, would have sold them?

Yea we were stupid...😅

OP posts:
DosPerros · 28/10/2026 20:27

“Just made out” is this American AI??

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:30

what's wrong with 'make out'??? but you're right, I didn't grow up in England

OP posts:
Rachelshair · 28/10/2026 20:31

I don't get why, if you just wanted sex, you insisted on cocktails, dinner, meeting in a bar and all the rest of it, twice. And didn't take condoms the first time. It seems a bit of a performance just to get a shag. I guess he lost interest somewhere, just because he's a man doesn't mean he'll automatically want sex with any given woman.

Moros · 28/10/2026 20:33

For whatever reason, he got the ick.

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:34

Rachelshair · 28/10/2026 20:31

I don't get why, if you just wanted sex, you insisted on cocktails, dinner, meeting in a bar and all the rest of it, twice. And didn't take condoms the first time. It seems a bit of a performance just to get a shag. I guess he lost interest somewhere, just because he's a man doesn't mean he'll automatically want sex with any given woman.

Well, the first time, I insisted, but the second time, he was the one who chose the venue. But yea I guess it's good to know that men don't just all want sex.

OP posts:
Comesround · 28/10/2026 20:36

There's no way of knowing but men don't automatically want sex just because it's being offered. There are any number of reasons why he didn't want it.

Didimum · 28/10/2026 20:38

Is it a mystery? He just didn’t fancy you.

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:40

Moros · 28/10/2026 20:33

For whatever reason, he got the ick.

Ooh i think this may have been it. When ordering the cocktail I stared at the waiter about 3 seconds too long. Then after they left, I remarked, 'Oh I think I stared at them too long'. He said, 'yea that was kinda rude.' Well, I guess that was the ick!! I don't remember why, I think I just blanked out...

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2026 20:42

You cannot possibly think the phone call with his brother wasn’t anything other than his get-out phone call!?!

Queenmax · 28/10/2026 20:43

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2026 20:42

You cannot possibly think the phone call with his brother wasn’t anything other than his get-out phone call!?!

This is usually what women do, not men?

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:45

I mean fake phone call was a possibility, I admit, but why pretend that he might contact me later that night and/or do the logistics calculation. Oh well.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2026 20:46

Queenmax · 28/10/2026 20:43

This is usually what women do, not men?

Indeed. But it’s an entirely obvious bail either way.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2026 20:48

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:45

I mean fake phone call was a possibility, I admit, but why pretend that he might contact me later that night and/or do the logistics calculation. Oh well.

to avoid having to say he’s not interested to you. And the performance with the logistics is so that you would get the message. Except.

PinkMicrowave · 28/10/2026 20:48

Could be he didn't fancy you, could be he's not someone who does hook ups usually and he panicked, could have been tired, could have had a call from an ex or another offer he preferred, could be an avoidant or someone who prefers the chase to the actual act, could be a million different reasons. I've been there and it's frustrating but unfortunately you'll never know.

Namechangee11 · 28/10/2026 20:50

The family emergency phone call... That's all you need to know...

Calliopespa · 28/10/2026 20:50

Maybe you had bad breath during all that talking!

Agatha1989 · 28/10/2026 20:52

His “brother” was probably his rescue mate, we all have them when we’re on a date with an unknown. He didn’t fancy you enough to shag you.