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Why did he ghost when sex was on the table

77 replies

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:04

Ok so this is a bit of an anecdote inspired by the other 'ghosting' threads. Just for entertainment really. I've (more or less) moved on but would like some perspective on what probably really happened! It's fairly long just bear with me...

So one day I just really wanted a casual night out. Went on hinge and matched with a guy 10 years my junior (I'm 33). He quickly suggested taking it to whatsapp. He texted with xx's and was quite friendly. We set up a date (in a cocktail bar), and whilst the texting wasn't sexual, it was pretty clear we were going for an ONS. He was coming to my city for a conference only, and would otherwise be about 2 hours away.

About 2 hours before the date, he suggested if I wanted to meet in his hotel lobby instead 'if it's going to be casual'. I said no, I would like to meet in the bar. So we still met in the bar. We chatted for 2-3 hours and had a couple of drinks and went back to his hotel.

Well, we ended up not having sex cuz neither of us had any condoms. Just made out. I left his hotel, then we both texted something like 'what a shame' 'when we're next near each other's city we should meet up'.

About a couple of weeks after, I was planning on going to his city so I asked him out for a Friday night meet up. I said food/drinks. He replied quickly and said he'd look for a place. He picked a nice cocktail bar.

I walked into the date (this time bringing condoms!!) thinking we'll definitely do it. We ended up talking for 3 hours (7-10pm)... and quite a good conversation too. We talked about life values, our perspective on marriage/love (we don't believe in it), travel stories, some UK politics, etc. He drove most of the topics forward and I was thinking... will we ever get to do it lol. Also after our meal there was a natural window to leave but he started ordering a cocktail. So we talked and drank some more.

Then his brother called. Apparently he got stranded with his car in the middle of nowhere. Something about the tire suspension. He showed me the calling screen while the brother rang. He started doing the maths aloud... getting to his brother would be 20 minutes, sorting out the car another 30, then coming back to my hotel would be 20, etc. He looked genuinely torn but I told him he gotta go help his brother.

So he drove me back to the hotel and he said, well, I might call you later if the situation got sorted early. I said, Well, I'm still here tomorrow if you're free.

It was near midnight and I was getting sleepy so I texted him, thanking him for dinner, and I'm going to sleep but I'm around tomorrow.

Next day, Saturday, he didn't reply until 2pm. He said, he ended up going home after midnight. He didn't take up the thread on me still being in his city.

Well, obviously we didn't see each other again. Then about a week after that, I asked him if he wanted to meet up as I'm going to his city. He just never replied.

I thought it's odd that he didn't take up the opportunity to meet up the next day, when sex was clearly on the table (as it's kinda an unfinished business from the night before). Or the next time when I invited him and I was gonna go to his city. I don't think I give off 'wanting serious relationship vibe' as we never texted in between!!

Anyway, apart from 'he's just not that into you'... what do you think is going on??

I already blocked him but it's still a mystery...

OP posts:
TheLastSilverSaint · 28/10/2026 23:41

He had a better offer, I expect.

thisismeithinkorisit · 28/10/2026 23:56

he's only 23, maybe he's a virgin or very experienced, and chickened out. not turning up with condoms, needing alcohol first etc

enkelt2 · 29/10/2026 00:02

thisismeithinkorisit · 28/10/2026 23:56

he's only 23, maybe he's a virgin or very experienced, and chickened out. not turning up with condoms, needing alcohol first etc

AHH yes this sounds likely. I forgot how young he was!!!

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 29/10/2026 00:07

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2026 20:42

You cannot possibly think the phone call with his brother wasn’t anything other than his get-out phone call!?!

This was my thought.
Either a get out call, or a 'better' offer presented itself.

SnowFrogJelly · 29/10/2026 00:56

You are way overthinking this

Lurkingandlearning · 29/10/2026 01:45

I admit I’m not suited to ONS or even casual really. I’m a little envious tbh. It must be incredibly freeing to be able to enjoy that choice without any angst or expectation.

But I think it’s a rare woman who totally enjoys the moment and is detached from the usual concerns about whether he liked us, whether he will want to see us again, will he call. From what I’ve heard IRL and read here a lot of women who say they want no strings end up tying themselves in knots with those questions: Why kid yourself that you don’t want strings if you can’t walk away without a post game analysis?

Myli1 · 29/10/2026 05:58

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:30

what's wrong with 'make out'??? but you're right, I didn't grow up in England

We just don’t really use that term in British English, which is probably why the previous poster thought it was American?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/10/2026 06:02

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:30

what's wrong with 'make out'??? but you're right, I didn't grow up in England

I beleive the young uns call it doing bit.

SummerAsh · 29/10/2026 07:51

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:34

Well, the first time, I insisted, but the second time, he was the one who chose the venue. But yea I guess it's good to know that men don't just all want sex.

You’re 35 and you’re just realising you that every man isn’t constantly desperate to have sex with you.

enkelt2 · 29/10/2026 09:09

SummerAsh · 29/10/2026 07:51

You’re 35 and you’re just realising you that every man isn’t constantly desperate to have sex with you.

no i'm not 35 and yea the second part sounds true lol

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 29/10/2026 09:10

Lurkingandlearning · 29/10/2026 01:45

I admit I’m not suited to ONS or even casual really. I’m a little envious tbh. It must be incredibly freeing to be able to enjoy that choice without any angst or expectation.

But I think it’s a rare woman who totally enjoys the moment and is detached from the usual concerns about whether he liked us, whether he will want to see us again, will he call. From what I’ve heard IRL and read here a lot of women who say they want no strings end up tying themselves in knots with those questions: Why kid yourself that you don’t want strings if you can’t walk away without a post game analysis?

I didn't kid myself, if we'd done it I would not have done the analysis. It's because it was opposite of my usual experience so I got curious

OP posts:
RomeoRivers · 29/10/2026 15:50

I think he got a better offer and his brother called to get him out of the date. Either a night out or another girl.

Idayatatime · 29/10/2026 23:01

There is no better sex imo than with someone you know inside out & dare I say share reciprocal love. This is not a judgement of those who enjoy a ONS. It's simply a different perspective on it.

TheDevilWears · 30/10/2026 02:58

The stranded family member is a standard not feeling this ruse. That’s it … the end. No great mystery.

Surgz · 30/10/2026 07:46

It seems he decided he didnt want sex and had the car excuse ready as a get out. Declining the lobby job and having a 'date' changed the vibe for him....maybe?? Who knows

MarilynMerlot · 30/10/2026 08:08

Yeah…I would agree with a PP that the vibe changed for him because it became less of a casual thing and more like a date. Then you had a second date and that was enough for him not to go any further. He was up for a shag at first but did not want to date you it sounds like. 3 hours talking with a bill attached is too much work for a leg-over.

Allatsea1980s · 30/10/2026 08:23

I think women/girls are sold quite a damaging message growing up - that young guys are mad on sex and basically wouldn’t turn it down if offered (think films like American pie etc). However I don’t think many guys are actually like that. Yes they might fancy the odd ONS but they still need to actually like/be attracted to the person. And then women feel utterly rejected - like ‘I must be so unattractive if he didn’t want me because guys would shag anything’. And of course that’s way too simplistic - to men and women.
I’m not sure I’ve explained that well.

NovemberNext · 30/10/2026 09:05

If you were meeting up for sex I think it was odd you spent hours in a bar in a ‘date’ situation. I think people who meet up for a hook up just get on with it then go their separate ways. That’s the whole point.

It does sound like the brother calling was a set up or an excuse but even if it wasn’t, he didn’t want to meet up again for some reason. Don’t analyse it too much.

Idayatatime · 30/10/2026 17:37

NovemberNext · 30/10/2026 09:05

If you were meeting up for sex I think it was odd you spent hours in a bar in a ‘date’ situation. I think people who meet up for a hook up just get on with it then go their separate ways. That’s the whole point.

It does sound like the brother calling was a set up or an excuse but even if it wasn’t, he didn’t want to meet up again for some reason. Don’t analyse it too much.

Most guys who meet up with women for sex only have no desire for a second go so you are correct in saying a few drinks in a bar first becomes more like a date. As it appears though the women who set out for this type of liaison are of the same mindset so its a win win if both that way inclined. No need for a getting to know you in that scenario.

Oinkpink · 30/10/2026 18:14

Is that not obvious? He didn’t want to have sex with you

Oinkpink · 30/10/2026 18:15

enkelt2 · 28/10/2026 20:25

Yea we were stupid...😅

Or neither particularly bothered

Boreded · 30/10/2026 18:19

Why did he ghost when sex was on the table
Because he’d already been laid…to rest.

Sorry @enkelt2 nothing to add except this joke that belongs in a Christmas cracker.

FungusMango · 30/10/2026 18:20

Namechangee11 · 28/10/2026 20:50

The family emergency phone call... That's all you need to know...

This. Was he really going to drive after all those cocktails.
Family emergencies / yes they often happen when the dater wants out….

Oinkpink · 30/10/2026 18:23

Maybe change the age parameters on your dating apps

BillieWiper · 30/10/2026 18:23

Nah the time had passed. The excitement of the first meeting and lust wore off. It became almost like a dentists check up, trying to shove it somewhere in the diary but it keeps getting bumped. Moment lost.

It's almost like think long, think wrong. You wanted casual sex and as soon as it stopped seeming spontaneous it lost its charm.

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