Potential date revealed he punched an inmate

[solosunflowers]

I've been chatting to a man off Bumble.

He asked for a phone call, which we've had this evening. Spoke for about 1.5 hrs. Mixed feelings because conversation did flow, although I found him quite humourless. He then revealed that when he was a prison officer he ended up in court for punching an inmate in the face (inmate was biting him). End up getting not guilty because they inmate later broke another prison officer's nose and couldn't give evidence.

How would you feel about hearing this?

If someone bit you you'd probably punch them as well.

I'd worry less about this than about the fact that you found him humourless. That means it probably won't work.

Next . Move on
the fact you are questioning this means red flag already

Yes good point.

I'm such a poor judge of character, I never know

I don't know why you're even still entertaining him. There doesn't seem to be anything likeable about him at all

If you have a full name, I’d be googling to see if you can find out any more court information. If he’s telling the truth, I get it, but is he telling the truth?

I only know his first name.

I suppose I'm entertaining it because he does sound like a very committed dad.

Prison staff obviously work in a volatile setting and would think needs must in certain situations.
And now the but..how does that come up in the tentative steps of chatting before committing to a coffee date etc.
I'd be very wary op.

We seemed to be discussing his different jobs, and got onto his time at the prison service and why he left. Explained to me that he was taken to court for assault because it was felt that he used excessive force when punching the inmate.

We're supposed to be meeting on Wednesday. I'm not going to bother. He's mentioned a couple of times about being a strict parent too.

If he'd punched him in a sadistic way/to bully, I'd worry. This would seem more like self-defence, but I'm not sure about the rules/how they're taught to handle violent people.

Perhaps a wise choice
Good luck meeting someone that's right for you.

Respectfully, then you shouldn’t be dating, surely?

I couldn't do humourless. I have some sympathy for people doing difficult jobs in difficult situations, although someone ending up in court sounds like his behaviour might well have been extreme.

I'm working on it.

How do you work on being a terrible judge of character, though?

ETA Sorry, that came out way more scolding than I meant! But I’m still not sure it’s something you can learn not to have or do…?

Stop dating, go to therapy! Kindly, it’ll be better for you in the long run.

I'm not super well versed on criminal procedure, but wouldn't they only need the victim to give evidence if the accused was claiming not to have done it? If he admitted it then it would go directly to sentencing?

So not only is he telling people he was violent, he's also admitting to lying about it in court? I may be wrong about this but I'd deffo give him a swerve if this is the case.

Someone who can be violent to someone they are in a position of authority over, and then lie about it is a major red flag. Those are the actions of someone who believes themself to be better than others and above the rules.

If you already find him humourless then it’s not going to work.

move on

I agree with this

No.
Bin him.

Run fast - in the opposite direction.

I would feel that he had quite rightly stopped himself from receiving a more serious injury.

That would mean you accepting the credibility of a total stranger. One who has admitted that his employer didn’t think it was justifiable force used in self-defence, and considered it excessive?

Assuming the chap is telling the truth - and you're right, he might be lying - I'm basing my reaction to this partially on situations I've encountered at work.

A colleague in a Scottish high school was punched by a teenage boy. He put out his hand and blocked the second punch.

The police came to the school, interviewed staff and said that there was no case to answer. However, the boy's parents disagreed and complained to the Director of Education for the Local Authority.

The result was that the teacher was suspended, pending a full investigation. There was a tribunal where it was acknowledged that the teacher had been hit, but he was told that he should not have stretched out his hand; he should have 'run away'.

The teacher returned to work, but was left so vulnerable as a result of what had happened that he quit at the end of he academic year.

I admit to being biased. In a similar incident, I tried to get away from a violent teenager and that didn't work.

The teenager who attacked my colleague towered above him and was a violent thug. The punch happened during a fire drill and the teacher wasn't even interacting with the teenager. (He was arrested for another crime a few months later, as soon as he turned 16 and could be referred to court rather than the Children's Panel in Scotland.)

If the prison service regulations and norms are anything like those that apply to teachers, I suspect that the potential date was held to higher standard than a member of the public and that that is why it went to court.

However, you're absolutely right - he might be lying and since that seems to be the OP's fear, she should absolutely discount him as a potential date.

Don blame him. If somebody bit me, I’d punch them in the face.

Having worked in a place similar to this..sometimes you get attacked. And sometimes you have to fight back. Prison is not a calm and relaxing environment. It can be unforgiving and cruel. If someone was biting me, you bet I'd pop them to get them off me. Especially in prison..biting hurts and honestly people's mouths are disgusting. We have more bacteria in our mouth than most animals and that shit can get infected.

If you're concerned I'd get more information. But I wouldn't hold it against him. The strict parent thing..he's a cop. I would imagine it's a learned behavior from all the crap he's seen.