Potential date revealed he punched an inmate

[solosunflowers]

I've been chatting to a man off Bumble.

He asked for a phone call, which we've had this evening. Spoke for about 1.5 hrs. Mixed feelings because conversation did flow, although I found him quite humourless. He then revealed that when he was a prison officer he ended up in court for punching an inmate in the face (inmate was biting him). End up getting not guilty because they inmate later broke another prison officer's nose and couldn't give evidence.

How would you feel about hearing this?

There is a very high threshold for taking something like this to court, in the culture of the prison service, for all the reasons noted in relation to doing such a difficult job in challenging violent circumstances. Id be wary of his account, although if his account is objectively true it wouldnt necessarily worry me. It also depends if it was during an unplanned encounter or a planned restraint involving multiple trained officers and one inmate, who for example was already restrained and on the ground etc. These situations are often much more controlled and excessive force would be more evident and scrutinized.

I believe that they were discussing an incident in his professional capacity at work, were they not?

What a weird thing to bring up on a first conversation with a stranger and potential date

Agree with this and would add another possible reason. He is trying to get his version in first before you hear the real truth from someone.
But there really are plenty of more choices, so need to even give a humourless stranger any more thought.

I wouldn’t be surprised and wouldn’t particularly care if it was true that the inmate was biting him… self defence.

What I would question is why is this man bringing up this violence on the first call? What impression is he trying to give and what does this say about his values? What manipulation is he trying to pull?

Prisons have cameras everywhere. If he was fired for excessive force it’s because he used excessive force.

Potentially violent, humourless and a “strict parent”, also untrusting and doesn’t believe that you’re picture is current…

personally I see all of this (especially the multiple referencing of how strict he is), to imply he’s likely to be a controlling, potentially violent person who expects a partner to behave as he wishes. More red flags than a mao convention!

Quick message to say you’re not feeling it then block asap. Hopefully you haven’t told him where you live or anything like that.

Yes they were. But I still wanted clarification on what point that poster was trying to make. They've given it, and it makes sense.

And definitely don’t tell him why or he’ll be more careful what he says to Wonen in future.

You live and learn, OP. None of these people who are telling you not to date and get therapy have always been excellent judges of character and probably aren’t right all of the time now. Highly qualified psychologists with years of experience make mistakes when assessing people’s character. They are telling you to get a therapist to help you improve your judgement but how would you be able to judge if they were a good therapist. It’s all a load of bollocks.

Keep dating and pay attention to what people actually do rather than what they say. If they tell you things about themselves that cause you real concern, move on. Bear in mind it takes quite a while to get to know someone beyond the first impressions we all project, often unintentionally. And learn to tune in to your gut feelings and trust them. While you’re building confidence with that cautiously go with what makes you happy. Good luck 😬

*Women

If someone was biting me, I’d punch to get them off.

I mean, he was deemed not guilty. Are you suggesting we continue to penalise and mistrust those considered not guilty?

There’s a sizeable, and rightly so, push to help give convicted offenders a second chance. That would seem folly if there’s those amongst that are seemingly unwilling to trust those not even convinced of a crime for which they were tried.

OK. Is there anything that you would like me to address?

If using "mechanics" and "the smell of oil" sounded pejorative, that wasn't my intention, nor do I have an aversion to oil! (Or mechanics)

Exactly. Someone who mentions stuff like this before even going for coffee …. Hell no!!!

Either he doesn’t see it as a big deal or as the quoted PP says, he’s testing your boundaries. Nope either way!

I think there’s a great deal of pressure for offenders to be locked up and masses of criticism of lenient sentences of offenders but mostly disinterest in how that process works in reality. What’s the correct process for removing someone who’s biting you ? You don’t really want to consider that do you so you just file it under “ icky” or “ not my
kind of person” and move on. I mean I’m bloody grateful personally that someone’s prepared to do it everyday. I don’t really understand how you’ve explained the court process ( whether the trial collapsed or was concluded ) and whether he’s still a prison officer because even if there’s no court process they can hold their own discipline process.

I also think having a video call seems perfectly sensible for both of you. What id question is the sense that he’s been wronged in the past by women fooling him. I’m guessing he’s focusing very much on his right s here not your safety. I also would not like the humourless bit at all. That would probably be the deciding factor for me.

I’m not entirely sure. If I had his full name I would likely google to see if there was a report.

From what he said, the trail collapsed because the inmate broke the nose of another prison officer on the day he was supposed to give evidence.

He is no longer a prison officer. He was told even if he was found not guilty, the prison service could still discipline/dismiss him. He decided to leave.

The impression I get is that it was done in self defence. I suppose I found it a bit of a strange thing to be discussing at this stage.

I know that prisons are a difficult working environment, with no context I don’t feel able to comment on the punching…BUT- I do wonder why he would choose to reveal a detail like that to an online match he presumably wants to date. Screams lacking in self-awareness/boundaries. So that in itself would put me off.

But when would you want him to tell you? Clearly he wanted to be honest about it upfront. Would you have rather he told you after 3-4 dates? Because then you would think why was he hiding such a big part of his life? There is no really good time to tell a story of being attacked, as it's relevant to his career and his life experiences. You aren't interested, that's fine. Just end it and move on.

Idk im first to say red flag but given his job and the risk inmates pose, plus he was being attacked, id say that was self defence.

Maybe I’m too rash and should see how we get along in person.

You had me at humourless.

I was a strict parent, but never smacked. I had high expectations of behaviour and manners and wanted to raise my children to be people I enjoyed spending time with.

I'm not sure that being strict is an issue unless it comes with shouting and smacking etc.

Why? You can appreciate someone's service without dating them.