Potential date revealed he punched an inmate

[solosunflowers]

I've been chatting to a man off Bumble.

He asked for a phone call, which we've had this evening. Spoke for about 1.5 hrs. Mixed feelings because conversation did flow, although I found him quite humourless. He then revealed that when he was a prison officer he ended up in court for punching an inmate in the face (inmate was biting him). End up getting not guilty because they inmate later broke another prison officer's nose and couldn't give evidence.

How would you feel about hearing this?

The lack of humour would do it for me. I had a first date once who said he’d thrown a guy off a balcony and broken his legs - I didn’t see him again! You have gut reactions for a reason - listen to your own disquiet over what he’s told you.

He should be a very committed Dad.

Stop awarding medals for the bare minimum.

Given the incredibly high rates of DV in that line of work.. his court appearance.. him telling you he's a strict parent.. he's giving you all the warning signs he can.

Run.

He sounds horrible. I wouldn’t dream of meeting him.

Violence against officers is unfortunately a peril of working in a prison. So it would not be fair to judge him based on this incident. However, incompatibility in humour and perhaps his parenting style are more of concern. If aren't feeling it, then you aren't feeling it. There is no need to dwell so much on it. Just say you don't want to take it further.

The major problem I have with this is that he’s telling anecdotes about violent events in his past before you’ve even met.

For most of us, an incident where we got into a violent altercation and then dragged through a legal process would be hideous. Like the examples given elsewhere in the thread. They might well be justifiable, but they aren’t the sort of thing you chat about as ‘getting to know you’ stuff. My suspicion would be that he’s doing this because a) he thinks it makes him look hard, and that women are attracted to hard men b) he’s testing your boundaries with regard to the presence of violence in your life.

Not for me.

The humourlessness would be a kill shot alone but him talking about the violence the first time you spoke? I think something inside me would shrivel at this point.

I agree with this. For most people this would be the worst thing that had happened to them, not a chatty anecdote.

Working in that environment there would be an understanding of the situation he found himself in and that sometimes staff need to respond physically. If his prison felt it was serious enough to refer to the police and the CPS charged him, it must have been pretty dreadful.

Regardless of why he punched someone and whether it was an ‘acceptable’ reaction to being bitten it’s an odd thing to say the first time that you speak to a potential date.

FWIW, I’ve been assaulted in similar settings and never reacted by retaliating.

And this is what violent men do. They test your boundaries. The fact that you’ve come on here to question whether or not this is going to work after one phone call means that you know this is a red flag but are unsure if you should block him.

Listen to that niggly feeling, it’s there to keep you safe.

The humourless thing wouldn’t be my cup of tea either. The only other person I know without a sense of humour is my “D”M and she’s a violent narcissist.

Block and move on and have a think about working on your boundaries.

My suspicion would be that he’s doing this because a) he thinks it makes him look hard, and that women are attracted to hard men b) he’s testing your boundaries with regard to the presence of violence in your life.

Yes! i thought this too but didn't know how to explain it.

It's amazing how many people see his part in this incident as an obvious red flag though, without wanting more context.

People in jobs that carry a high risk of violence towards them are really not respected or supported in trying to defend themselves, are they? The person who attacked or threatened them first is always the victim. We need to be very careful going too far down this path. Pretty soon we'll have no teachers, emergency service workers, frontline NHS staff, prison officers or flight attendants. The pay and the stress of the job simply won't be worth the risk of ending up with a conviction for violence or being fired in disgrace for simply defending or protecting yourself.

Out of curiosity, if someone was biting you, what physical action would you take to stop them….? Or would you let them continue until they chose to stop, potentially severing whatever piece of your body they’ve attached themselves too?

This would have been the last conversation I'd have had with this guy.

It would go to court if he was admitting he “did it” (punched him) but claiming self defence (thus not guilty) so no not necessarily lying to court.

*one who had a convinced criminal (thus by definition not trustworthy) take him to court for punching him whilst he was biting his finger

I presume he’s raised a defence fr self defence if he’s saying he was being bitten. You can admit to an act but state you had a reason for it that would mean you weren’t guilty of an offence. It would be up to the jury to decide if you used reasonable force or if it was excessive.

I’ve definitely decided to let this go. I’ll have to send a message to cancel Wednesday. Add to this, he’s now suggesting a video call (he made reference to women using pictures ten years out of date). So many hoops to
jump through for a coffee and a walk.

Are you sure he wasn’t actually an inmate?

Haha no, I don’t think that.
Military prior to the prison service

If you do not like the smell of engine oil, do not date a mechanic

I'd definitely be wanting a video call before I agreed to meet anyone in person. I'd have thought it was sensible to insist on that, for your own security and safety. To make sure you are meeting the person whose photo you have seen, and not someone else completely.

Apart from a video call having the added advantage of making sure you are remotely likely to be attracted to them in the flesh, before you waste an afternoon of your life. There might be something really off-putting about him that immediately leaps out at you on a video call that you could not tell from simply messaging or phoning.

What does that mean in this context though? Are you saying that as an ex-military, ex-prison officer he is going to be naturally and inherently a violent person in all areas of his life?

As soon as I read "humourless" I was thinking you should 'move on'. Once I read the rest, I was thinking 'avoid'.

It might not mean the individual is violent, but it does mean that violence and crime are going to cast shadows in your life. It's a normal thing in a relationship to ask how someone's day went - a person working in the prison service is going to have different stories to someone working as an IT project manager.
How comfortable the OP will be with hearing about that kind of a work environment every day is something only they can determine.