Time for a fresh start?

[Silvernutmeg70]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We don't live together, own our own houses and have two children each. I've been flitting between our houses all this time. He's immensely supportive, would do anything for me, etc but will not even entertain the idea of buying a place together with room for all our children, which is what I want. My children are at uni, his are at school/college. I feel like I'm an accessory in his life rather than part of it, he wants me near him but won't give me any commitment or security.
Should I move away for a fresh start near family which is what I intended to do after divorce before I met him? I'd miss him and his children a lot but I'm sure things would never change if I stayed.

Flip side of the coin here, I came out of a long relationship and have my own place now and I’m dating a woman who is divorced with her own place etc, and i cannot ever imagine living with someone again- my own space is so important to me now that,
I think your boyfriend is within his rights to set that boundary for himself ( and his own children)

This sounds like it’s driven by his fears which you don’t share. I imagine he is worried about additional loss both romantically and financially on the back of previous life events. I think asking him what he is most afraid of if you joined homes will give you your answer. Maybe identifying your attachment styles could help navigate this too.

If the living situation isn’t what you want and he’s adamant he won’t move, then there’s not much else you can do.

You're right, he's perfectly within his rights to set that boundary. It's just after 8 years I was hoping for more.

I think he's just very wary after his wife left him for her affair partner. He's also very set in his ways and rigid.

It sounds like you are right that this situation is not going to change. So you have a decision to make. Do you want him enough to accept never living together and just drop the matter? Or, if you knew you were never going to live together would you move? I’d make a choice and live with it either way. What I would NOT do is continue to stick around for another 8 years hoping he will change his mind.

If your goal is to get married again or at least live with someone then yes, I'd move on. Eight years is already quite a lot of time to invest and he's made it clear that won't be changing.

I'm not bothered about marriage again, however living together would be my preferred choice in a good relationship after several years together.

He might be waiting until his kids have left home, however saying that my last partner also met someone else while she was seeing me and those feelings take a long time to settle

Question is, would you really want to lose what is otherwise a good relationship over living arrangements. If you move you won’t live with him then either but you’ll also lose him.

Could it be that he just wants to wait until the kids are independent and have moved away. Your kids are at uni, why not go live with him and let your kids ‘rent’ your home (when they are finished) while saving their rent for deposits themselves.

Selling two houses to buy a bigger one to fit everyone in when they’re all about to fly the next seems like it might be a big expense and hassle

If I were you I'd write a list of the pros and cons of doing both, as it looks like there would be advantages to moving near your family.

On the whole it seems like you're feeling stuck, and moving would be a way to become unstuck.

Could you still have a long distance relationship with him? Might he be up for talking it all through with a relationship counsellor?

He divorced over a decade ago but was hurt very deeply so I understand why he's wary, but he has told me he trusts me and doesn't think I'd be unfaithful, which I wouldn't.

These days a lot of young people can't get jobs and/or can't afford to move out of their parents' house so I wouldn't expect them all to have moved out independently any time soon. I'm prepared for my children having to live with me again after uni while I support them until they can get jobs/ save up enough to get their own places. Sadly that's the way things often are at the moment.

Feeling stuck is a very accurate description of how I'm feeling. I'd say my boyfriend is an avoidant and finds any talk of the future uncomfortable. He says he sees his future with me but is always vague, continues to move goalposts etc. When he thinks he might be losing me he will promise me all sorts but when he feels comfortable again he will backtrack. We've been doing this dance for years and it's very frustrating. I never feel fully secure.

Personally I wouldn’t move away and throw away what seems like a good relationship. Why not embrace what you’ve got? Not every relationship needs to evolve to living together. Blending families no matter how old the DC are is never easy. Enjoy your own space and freedom along with the companionship that your DP offers.
You could always move a bit closer to your family whilst still keeping him? Why does it have to be one or the other?

Just to add, you need to feel secure in yourself. Be a complete person. Living together wouldn’t necessarily make you more secure. Explore what you actually mean by that. I think your set up sounds ideal!

Family is 250 miles away

You've got your own home, safeguard your financial and housing security with everything you've got. Never sacrifice it just for a man.
It doesn't seem in a woman's best interests to live with a single father, theres tens of thousands of posts on here that suggest dating while enjoying your own peaceful home is the best option.

I’m just getting a divorce and buying my own place and I can’t imagine going through the upheaval and uncertainty of buying a place with a partner going forward. It would be really nice to have a partner but I don’t think I could risk being stuck again financially or going through another physical separation and having to move.

Maybe you just want different things OP.

I would not join finances or live together if my children were still at school. It would be very disruptive and his first priority should be them. Especially as there would be the possibility of other young adults moving back too. I don’t think I would want someone having a financial stake in where I live either.

It depends , if the support and social life you could have with your family are important to you and your children are on board with it perhaps the move would be good . Being there as his rock might not be enough and you never know you might meet someone else .

I have family and friends in that area, my children don't mind where I live as they want to live elsewhere too. Their dad is also moving away from this area.

I understand that point of view, it does make sense.

Ok fair point about your family but what about the rest of my post?

I understand, my sister has just gone through similar and feels the same as you do.