Time for a fresh start?

[Silvernutmeg70]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We don't live together, own our own houses and have two children each. I've been flitting between our houses all this time. He's immensely supportive, would do anything for me, etc but will not even entertain the idea of buying a place together with room for all our children, which is what I want. My children are at uni, his are at school/college. I feel like I'm an accessory in his life rather than part of it, he wants me near him but won't give me any commitment or security.
Should I move away for a fresh start near family which is what I intended to do after divorce before I met him? I'd miss him and his children a lot but I'm sure things would never change if I stayed.

Why is it so important to live together? Not judging, just curious.

Exactly

Arrangement sounds perfect to me. Dont ruin it by moving in. The problem here is not him but the fact that u want different things

What absolute rubbish!
I've been with my partner for over 10 years, and we don't live together. His kids are married, have their own kids etc. Mine are uni and 6th form age. I love him, we get on really well, he's kind, funny, supportive. But I don't want to live with him, not now and possibly not ever. I like my space, I can never truly relax when there is someone else in the house, I like my home, my routine, my area, having the whole bed! It's nothing to do with being "not that into him". He's the person I want to grow old with. But once you pass the "getting married and having a family" age, the need to cohabit and pool finances simply isn't there any more. If my partner was pushing for me to sell my house and buy a house between us, I would have to say no.

You called it already. Everything you've said about him says he's an avoidant. He hasn't changed. He won't changed. People are giving you 'common sense' advice about not throwing away a great relationship. They don't know about avoidant attachment or personality. You will always be on the sidelines. You will never be acknowledged as his life partner and will never really know where you stand. You will always live on crumbs. It's no way to live.

People always say 'he's just not that into you' about avoidants. It's nonsense. They do this in every relationship. It's a pervasive relational pattern. It's a real thing. If you haven't experienced it, you shouldn't be telling other people that it doesn't exist.

Long-term relationships need compromise on both sides and if one partner never compromises then the other partner will be left feeling, as you put it, empty. Been there and it is is a horrible way to live.
It is not simply that you have different goals for living arrangements. It is that he has said one thing and then gone back on it, raising your hopes and then dashing them. It is that he is set in his ways and rigid. It is that you are the one doing all the flitting between the two houses - does he ever stay at yours? It is that the two of you spend time with his family, not yours.
The way he treats you leaves you feeling empty (maybe invisible and lonely too). In a similar situation, I left and the weight that lifted from me was a wonderful feeling.
BTW, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your kids and they would be happy if you move closer to your own family, so that is a huge positive!

Yeah I completely agree.

But it comes down to 1 question really…would you rather be with this man and live apart, or not be with this man.

I can’t understand giving up an otherwise perfectly good relationship for something that is unknown. You might be lonely for the rest of your life, why risk your current happiness.

Move into his place, pay the bills on yours, there are no increased costs doing it this way, but your kids have somewhere to come home to after uni

I'm not expecting someone to "rescue me". I wouldn't be leaving in the hope of finding someone else to live with, I'd be leaving to do be near family because the relationship hasn't and will not progress.

Of course he is within his rights. OP is asking whether she should stay with him if this is the boundary he has set. She is within her rights not to want to continue a split relationship.

Increasingly, as my friends are in their fifties and sixties, as they pair up in later life they don't all want to live together. One person loves their house too much, one person won't move, one person is happy with living apart, the other one wants living together but not marriage. I think we all become stuck in our ways. I don't know the solution, OP, I just wanted to say you are not alone and it won't be because he doesn't want to be with you, he just can't envisage leaving his house now. I'd consider moving in with him, and living apart, and then if neither of those appeal, there's no other choice. I wouldn't personally move into his house, it's his and if he won't move, he'll be possessive over it too, I don't want to feel like a visitor or lodger in my own home.

This is the best reason to move. The choice between a guy and your family is quite an easy one, isn’t it?

Really sorry I think you both want different things - I would be hurt after 8 years if he didn’t want to move in together as a blended family - he should also take your needs into account - what would make you happy - if he can’t do that time to move on - life is too short - you will start resenting him

Yes I know what you mean and my boyfriend's house is also his former marital home, we have not chosen anything in it together and it would always feel like his house, not ours.

Why would you want to live together though? That would probably wreck what is perfectly working. What would sharing a house do for you?

Make me feel like we were invested in a shared future together.

Wow - that escalated quickly

He won’t be easy to live with if he’s set in his ways. Are you that’s what you want?

He’s stated how he feels and what he wants which is just for things to continue as they are.

you obviously world prefer something else. That’s not going to happen even after eight years. I would move the 250 miles home to my family and start again yes.

You feel empty and something is lacking. Its his way or the high way. Realistically if the kids are older, blending a family more than what you have after 8 years is reasonable.

Being near family as they get older is really something. One of my ex's who i thought i would marry left me after id moved 300 miles away. He moved out but kept me dangling a little. After 9 months I came home and ive been here to watch my grandparents die and support my mum. Been nearby to my dad when he passed. Have a good relationship with my brother and his kids, my cousins. Being away from home and for someone special who values you is worth it. But if you don't have that? If the kids have left home and their dad is moving away. It's a chance to make a fresh start and maybe meet someone who wants the same as you. Who can support you emotionally as you get older. Who you can grow old with in the same home.

If he struggles to talk about the future for one reason or another before deciding to end the relationship, could you write him a letter about how you are feeling. To see if you could communicate better this way and maybe he will realise how much this is affecting you?

It’s OK for him to want what he wants and for you to want something different.

I mean, it sucks, but nobody is at fault or unreasonable.

It’s really nothing to do with whether someone is ‘an avoidant’ or not - that is just a term used on the internet to denote ‘someone who won’t give me what I want’.

And plenty of people avoid having conversations about topics where they know their partner will guilt trip or bulldoze them, or refuse to take no for an answer. Anyone who repeatedly ends up with ‘avoidant’ people needs to look a little bit at whether they’re really able to treat other people’s wants and needs and perspectives seriously and with respect.

He doesn’t have to move in with you if he doesn’t want to. It makes no difference how long you’ve been together or how long he’s been divorced or how much you want to live with him. It’s not what he wants.

In any relationship, the person pushing for a big change the other person doesn’t want, is the one who has to accept the status quo or leave.

He sounds like a poor communicator, so I think this is just the first of many hurdles. It’s very reasonable to want to live together after 8 years and I’m surprised this conversation didn’t come up 6 years ago. The fact it didn’t is somewhat telling.

An avoidant personality often leads to a lack of affection, breakdown in communication and emotional distance.

I think you have to trust your instincts either way. It’s hard breaking up when there’s been no big reason, but equally it’s hard to stay when you feel like an accessory and want more commitment than your partner will give. It’s a tough one but you deserve happiness.

If he is that attached to his house he won't want to risk losing it, ever. That means that if you do move into his house he will protect it so that you don't own any part of it or have any claim on the house. I believe there is a new law coming that protects people who live with someone else that owns the house, meaning you could then claim a share of it if you split. That will make it impossible for him to let you move in.

In short, it probably won't ever happen and if it does, he will want to have such watertight paperwork concerning it that you will basically feel like an intruder.

He would do anything for you … just not commit, get a house together with room for the kids, and is happy to watch you flit back and forth! Yeah, he sounds like a dream … as you say, he has an accessory when he needs one!