Time for a fresh start?

[Silvernutmeg70]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We don't live together, own our own houses and have two children each. I've been flitting between our houses all this time. He's immensely supportive, would do anything for me, etc but will not even entertain the idea of buying a place together with room for all our children, which is what I want. My children are at uni, his are at school/college. I feel like I'm an accessory in his life rather than part of it, he wants me near him but won't give me any commitment or security.
Should I move away for a fresh start near family which is what I intended to do after divorce before I met him? I'd miss him and his children a lot but I'm sure things would never change if I stayed.

I suppose I feel like I spend most of my time with his family, who all live nearby, without actually being part of it which hurts after so long. I miss my own family that I am actually part of and could be spending time with them instead.

I would let go of any possibility of the situation changing with him, as that’s the dangling carrot keeping you in place. With that in mind you need to decide what you want the most.

There are couples I know of who are committed to each other, in terms of wanting to stay in a relationship, but who have no intention of moving in together and sharing assets. It keeps it simple for their children’s inheritance and it means they have their independence. It also means it’s an active choice to continue to see each other and no complications in terms of worrying about what would happen if things went south. It sounds like that’s what your DP wants, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong about that, but if that’s not the right life for you I guess you know what to do.

I’d question whether the relationship is as good as you think it is. If he knows your relationship goal is to live together and he’s been stringing you along for so long, are you really both communicating well?

It will always be like this, he’s got no reason to change if he won’t live together and you stay regardless. So make your decision accordingly. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t want the same things you do.

No we don't communicate well on any significant issues, my boyfriend gets defensive and dismissive whenever I discuss the future. It's his way or nothing.

You want to live with a defensive, rigid man who you cant communicate openly with? Why?

When you put it like that I see what you mean.
We have a laugh, have good times together, he's 100% reliable and supportive, i.e. I could call him for help and he'd be there asap, he's a great dad, hard-working, attractive, but very set in his ways and struggles with in-depth discussions. As long as I don't "rock the boat" he's fine but it leaves me feeling a bit empty and like something is lacking.

Agree.

Yes something is lacking. Commitment to a life together.

Have you asked him outright if he sees himself living in the same house as you when you are both about 70 years old?
That answer will be revealing.
If he says he hasn't thought about it, or doesn't know, or dodges the question, that means the answer is 'no I don't want to live with you when I am 70.'

If your DC are fine about moving, then move, and end the relationship.

If you stay, you will just grow more bitter that your ideal situation will never happen. If you don't match in major ways such as living under one roof, then best to end what's frustrating to you. I myself like that daily companionship of eating meals together and watching our favorite shows together, instead of this happening a limited amount if we lived apart.

And when it comes to the day where people often develop poor health or disabilities with aging issues, it's nice to have a spouse there who can assist. My father had to do that for my mom. My brother's wife has to be there now with his health issues, even as he gets daily care by medical staff, but they aren't allowed to give him his meds, which only his wife can do (he's bedridden).

Good luck on the next chapter of your life.

There are more ‘mangled’ families than ‘blended’ families.

All of these mangled families started off with two adults who either thought everything would be ok, or they prioritised their relationship above their children.

The children have zero appreciation of the full reality of merging families and zero choice about their parent’s relationships.

He has said he sees himself living with him, but it would have to be in his house which he's surgically attached to.

With me!

If you already own your own house, what security do you want from him? Keeping your own house means if you split it’s really easy

Trying your disentangle a blended family can be very difficult. You might find yourself thinking things aren’t soo bad to justify unbending.

keep your own place. That’s real security.

Yes this is what I like too, which we do have to a certain extent, but I always have to go back to my house at some point. He has suggested moving onto his estate but it's out of my price range. He would help me financially but I'd still have to see him in one house, mostly his, while mine was left essentially a store for my furniture until the uni holidays. Seems pointless.

This makes perfect sense and I know that's how he sees things, but it feels like he is expecting us to fail or if he gets sick of me he can just drop me instantly and cut me off if he wants. It makes me feel dispensible.

Horrible. “He’s Just Not That Into You” was written for this situation. Look: however promising this seemed 8 years ago its rotted before ever ripening. He just doesn’t think—for whatever reason—that he needs to be sure of you. You are a familiar convenience but he doesn’t want to spend money, risk autonomy, or do anything different to make you happy.
Break it off (in my opinion) because he’s stunted snd comfortable with it.anyone who shamelessly makes you pay for someone else’s infidelity 8 years ago is s frightened, selfish, stunted person.

If you split up there’s no guarantee you’ll meet someone who is right for you and who wants to live together.

The benefits of keeping your own home and independence cannot be overstated.

I guess that’s the crux of it: he wants to ensure that you are dispensable, as you put it, and you’re understandably hurt by that. He’s set out his boundary and it won’t change

It reads to me like he is waiting for a better offer from someone else. I would cut down the time you spend with him to see if he chases you. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

Freudian typo.
His priority is him, not you.

If it’s not working for you it’s not working for you. It sounds like you goth want different things. No one is wrong here.

if it was me yes, I’d go ahead with my former plans

So you want to bite your nose off to spite your face to.go looking for a man to to rescue you, you both have your own properties and kids you must be totally mad to think living together with all those kids would be a good idea let alone selling your security to buy with a man when you could split or get divorced and have to sell the house anyway....if you want to leave him leave but mr prince charming aint coming to rescue you

Yes you want him to put you 1st wont happen hes got kids and if you meet a man without kids he will want you to put him 1st and if you meet another man with kids he will put his kids 1st

He doesnt think you would be unfaithful??? 8 years and he doesnt trust you yeah time to go

Set in his ways and rigid oh my why are you still with.him