Time for a fresh start?

[Silvernutmeg70]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We don't live together, own our own houses and have two children each. I've been flitting between our houses all this time. He's immensely supportive, would do anything for me, etc but will not even entertain the idea of buying a place together with room for all our children, which is what I want. My children are at uni, his are at school/college. I feel like I'm an accessory in his life rather than part of it, he wants me near him but won't give me any commitment or security.
Should I move away for a fresh start near family which is what I intended to do after divorce before I met him? I'd miss him and his children a lot but I'm sure things would never change if I stayed.

You don’t have to live together to be in a committed relationship but it won’t work if that is what you want. You say you’re flitting between the houses, does he ever stay at yours? If not, he’s not being fair. He’s expecting you to live out of a bag and do all the travelling. If it really isn’t going to change and you feel there is something lacking, make the decision that suits you the most, which sounds like moving.

I get it OP the idea of paired but not living together in the same house is not your preference but his. this shows a fundamental misalignment. Dont let anybody convince you that you are wrong if that's what you want but be prepared to lose him in the process.

This is your life, and it's about what you want from a committed relationship. Few would expect to be living apart after 8 years. Your needs seem incompatible. In your shoes I would have ditched him about 5 years ago.

Kindly, it sounds pretty obvious he’s not a sharer, you feel left out of his home and family environment. He’s rigid with his decisions. He won’t meaningfully discuss your concerns with you and certainly won’t do anything to address- apart from make false promises.
You miss you family and clearly want to feel the security and from the people in your life. He might love you but he doesn’t make you feel secure. Your children are happy for you to move and they’d also get to be closer to their extended family.
Your children’s dad is going to move, so your children are likely to spend time near him and away from you…..
Be grateful the time you’ve had together and move forward with your live. He’s not going to change who he is after eight years if you waiting 💐

Sadly, the void won’t heal, it will just get bigger and bigger. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself the situation isn’t that bad, in your gut you know it’s not right for you and it will never be enough.

I would cut my losses and move to be nearer family.

I'd miss him and his children a lot

After eight years, this feels like damning with feint praise.

Do you really need to live together? My aunt was with her partner 20+ years before he passed and they never lived together. They would each spend a night or two at each other’s house and go away on holidays but ultimately they had their own space and this worked perfectly for them.
If living together / remarrying is really important to you then you need to have an honest conversation.

Yes I've definitely left things far too long and now it's more painful than if I'd left years ago.

Really?

I read your first couple of posts op and its obvious to me that moving back to near your family is the next logical step. This relationship seems to have run its course and certainly doesnt feel very balanced.

This part, to me, is the biggest alarm bell. Neither of you are unreasonable in what you want, but to make false promises and not follow through is manipulative and downright cruel.
There’s nothing wrong with how he feels about his future, and nothing wrong with what you want from yours, but manipulating you into staying then changing nothing is deeply unfair, and shows lack of respect for you and your feelings. And after eight years, this will not change.
As Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I would make a fresh start, not because of the living arrangements, but because you simply can’t trust what he is telling you, because of what he is showing you. Actions speak louder than words and you deserve to be happy, OP, you both do.

I am in bed right now next to an avoidant man at home with our 2 kids. I wish he was somewhere else and so does he... the broken promises would end it for me, OP.

(Or I would seethe for a decade or more while plotting my exit and trying to do the right thing by everyone. I don't recommend this version.)

I would move away. This has gone on long enough. I wouldn’t bother telling him your plans. Let him see the for sale sign up and the moving boxes start appearing. Be less available, when he asks - you’re busy getting the house ready … you’re busy packing… you’re busy moving on.

He may protest and make promises but let’s face it - once he’s comfortable again those are gone.

I personally think you’ve got it good, you’re own space, your own security. I don’t think I’d want to join lives in your situation, not whilst you still have kids at home/college/uni. If this isn’t the life you want and he’s not giving what you want, maybe moving on and moving away is the way to go. Do you really want to live with someone who you describe as set in his ways and rigid?

My questions are -

What are his reasons for not living together?

What do you think will be different if you do live together, considering you've said you spend most of your time with his family anyway?

Also, does he know how strongly you now feel about this issue?

Well maybe I’m being overly harsh but the word “love” is notable in its absence from your posts.

Ah I see. I do love him which is why I've stayed with him for such a long time and why it'd be so painful to leave.

He would live with me in his house but there's no room for my kids and I wouldn't want to anyway. He won't sell his house and buy a bigger one with me because he loves his house and doesn't like change. He's probably neurodiverse, I'm autistic and normally attract similar people as partners and friends, so could also be a factor.

This is more pertinent than whether you move in together or not tbh.

He's slippery and doesn't meet your emotional needs.

If cohab is a deal breaker for you/and or he's not giving you what you need, move on.

For what it's worth, nothing on this earth could induce me to live with someone/buy a house together/marry again and it would have no bearing on how I felt about them. I've just been there/done that and it has zero appeal.

Apologies - over long reply.
I have been with my partner for five years and we don’t live together. I think like you I have a constant fantasy that one day he would drop onto his knee and propose to me. When I ask myself why I want this it’s because I want to feel totally secure. To really know that he does feel so deeply about me. My partner is the classic somewhat taciturn but lovely man.
If I am honest I also feel envious of couples who live together and have shared goals such as saving together for their plans, doing a house renovation and so on. Even having children together although I am much too old for that now.
BUT when I think about it again I remember how easy it is to grow to almost hate someone that you live with, how easy it is to feel claustrophobic, the regular arguments about finances, choice of decor, step parenting, food, chores, the lack of personal space, the lack of time to recover alone after an exhausting social event. So then, since my partner is almost perfect in every other way I am glad that he made it clear from day one that he did not want to give up his own security and independence after a very painful break up.
We still have that crucial strong sexual attraction made easier by time spent apart, we spend weekends and holidays together too. We both have time for our hobbies and interests. I did spend seven years after divorce with children at home but not in a relationship and I was so lonely. Family can be good to spend time with but they are no substitute for that one person who really cares about you even if you don’t live together. That special glance that you share when you know exactly what the other is thinking. The conversation you have in the car after you have been to visit someone.

It is super hard to find a good partner in middle age to later life so if you do move away you will have to accept that you may never have another deep relationship. How good are you at living alone, would it suit you like some of the other people who have posted?
Also while you have been living 250 miles away your family has filled their time and routines without you. Their expectations about how much time you would all spend together could differ to yours. If you do move closer be prepared for it to take time for them to adjust their routines.
I don’t know if you have been through any hard times together in your 8 years but we have weathered two terrible accidents and loss of parents and it has made us stronger through the support we were able to give one another.
Would your partner be the first person you would turn to if something awful happened? How would you feel without that support?

In weighing everything up please do put your children and your own financial security first.

I very much hope it works out well for you,

It sounds like you're both very happy and that's lovely. Your partner made his feelings clear from the start and you knew how things would be from then on and chose to accept it. Mine did not. He future-faked, it turns out, obviously in order to keep me around. As I said previously he's promised things then moved the goal posts/backtracked. This is why I have an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind about the relationship, despite the good things about it.
I have lived alone and don't like it generally, possibly because I also work from home. This is why I want to be near my parents, sister and nieces, and children plus some friends so there's always someone I can pop round to see.
I'm 55 and not desperate to find someone else, I'm of the view that if I'm meant to meet someone then I will, that's how things have happened so far. I'd never look for a partner.

You are really in a tough position. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend will change his mind. I think you do have some very difficult decisions to make. What it comes down to is what will make you happier - staying as you are and living separate from your boyfriend or moving home and being with your family