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Original poster

New Partner Reluctant to have sex

83 replies

MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 18:14

I have been seeing a new partner for over a month. We see each other a couple of nights a week and have spent the last 2 weekends together. We message several times a day and we get on so well. I really fancy him but, the lack of sex could be an issue. We have spent the last 2 Saturday nights together but, not had sex. He has said that he is attracted to me but, he is really nervous and has said that it has been a long time since he spent the night with someone. There is a lot of passionate kissing and touching. However, he doesn’t get remotely hard. I do try and reassure him and am happy to wait.. for a bit. At this rate, we will end up in the friend zone, which will be a real shame. I don’t really know what to do or how long to wait. He said that his last relationship lasted a couple of months and then fizzled out. I can see how this could happen… but, in all other ways, it is a great relationship…

OP posts:
Lilaclane · 11/10/2026 18:15

You don’t mention how old you both are. But I would run like the wind. This won’t improve.

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 18:18

We are both in our 50’s. I have not had this before. In the past, partners have been very keen!

OP posts:
Gabitule · 11/10/2026 18:21

I would ask him gently if he can’t get an erection because of a health issue (could be heart related) or nerves. And whether he’s be happy to take viagra. If he is unwilling to talk about it or comes up with excuses and his erection doesn’t improve it means that he is either not willing to take medication or that it doesn’t work for him. At which point you have to leave.
I’m speaking from experience. Luckily in my case the medication worked!

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 18:28

The only time that he mentioned it outside the bedroom, he said that I would have to be patient. I didn’t notice a morning erection either of the times that he has stayed over.

OP posts:
OddBalling · 11/10/2026 18:29

He will be aware he's not getting hard when kissing. If you're at the stage where you feel ready for sex, I'd start a conversation with him about his lack of erection and ask him if he's had his testosterone levels checked. It's not uncommon for men to find it difficult to get and maintain an erection the older they get. My ex husband had issues in his mid 30s and my current DP (also 50s) also had issues. In the latter's case, Viagra and testosterone was prescribed (his T levels were very low) and we have sex daily now. Definitely worth a sensitive conversation with him if all other areas are good.

DebbieSavage · 11/10/2026 18:30

Do you know what a 'beard' is perchance?

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 18:31

@DebbieSavage no, sorry?

OP posts:
OriginalSkang · 11/10/2026 18:33

They mean that he is gay and wanting a relationship with a woman to cover it up

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 18:41

He has been married before and has had relationships with women. To be fair, he is slightly camp and first impression would be that he is gay. I tend to go for more masculine, emotionally unavailable, unreliable and dishonest blokes. This new partner is the complete opposite. He is kind, caring, thoughtful and honest. I am not sure why he would need to pretend that he is gay..

OP posts:
seahorsessky · 11/10/2026 18:43

Some people only want sex in long-term, serious relationships. People always seem to think men push women to have sex, but sometimes men don't want to do it early in a relationship either.
Of course he could have health issues, but just like some women don't want to rush, some men don't, and both should be respected.

rwalker · 11/10/2026 18:45

He’ll be worried about not getting it up

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 18:49

He is really open about all aspects of his life but, we only take about sex briefly in bed. When he didn’t get an erection. He just said that he was nervous. I felt that it was the end of the subject.
He has never sent me any suggestive messages either which, initially, I was relieved by. I have had my share of unsolicited dick pics!!

OP posts:
thebrowncatisback · 11/10/2026 18:58

He sounds ideal OP

🤣

JontyGentooey · 11/10/2026 19:00

DebbieSavage · 11/10/2026 18:30

Do you know what a 'beard' is perchance?

Do blokes still do that these days? Why not just remain single or date men but keep your private life private to friends and family?

Sounds like ED for which there could be so many reasons. The unwillingness to talk about it openly would be the biggest problem for me.

PaperMachePanda · 11/10/2026 19:02

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Some men get desensitised to real intimacy and can only get it up when they watch other people doing it.

Additup · 11/10/2026 19:08

seahorsessky · 11/10/2026 18:43

Some people only want sex in long-term, serious relationships. People always seem to think men push women to have sex, but sometimes men don't want to do it early in a relationship either.
Of course he could have health issues, but just like some women don't want to rush, some men don't, and both should be respected.

Presumably these sorts of men are still able to get an erection after a bit of a fumble though but choose not to act on it? I could be wrong but I'd always assumed that if uou feel turned on erections were involuntary like getting wet is for women.

It sounds to me like he's got erectile dysfunction OP.

winter8090 · 11/10/2026 19:14

Ive had many friends experience the same in this age group.

it’s always been down to erectile problems.

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 19:14

Thanks @Additup . That would explain why it didn’t look like he had a hard on in the mornings.
He was really passionate in bed so, I was surprised that he didn’t have an erection.
I will try and initiate sex outside the bedroom to see if I can get him to talk about it. It has been several years since his previous relationship. All other aspects of the relationship are really good so, I would like it to work.

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 11/10/2026 19:15

It's really common in this age group and can be caused by health issues and/or some medication.

A gentle conversation needs to be had about whether he's willing to get medical help if he hasn't already.

Sadly some men in this age group don't see a GP and so it goes untreated.

Scotflyer54 · 11/10/2026 19:28

Op you must take the lead to make this work in all honesty.

Sometimes later in life it takes a bit longer to reach the goal!

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 19:33

I didn’t know if I was trying to force things too early on. I am not sure whether to talk to him when I next see him or when he next stays the night. I don’t want it to be awkward if he takes it badly…

OP posts:
LittleJustice · 11/10/2026 19:33

That's a but worrying imo. I experienced this once when dating with a guy my age (56) but he was on anti depressants.

My current partner is 56 and hard as a rock no issues. But he doesn't watch porn, I thought perhaps sometimes it's due to that.

It's surprising isn't it when you experience this. You don't expect it.

Original poster
MummysLittleSunbeam · 11/10/2026 19:36

@LittleJustice - yes! I have never had this before. He didn’t get remotely hard but, was really passionate…

OP posts:
Simonjt · 11/10/2026 19:48

seahorsessky · 11/10/2026 18:43

Some people only want sex in long-term, serious relationships. People always seem to think men push women to have sex, but sometimes men don't want to do it early in a relationship either.
Of course he could have health issues, but just like some women don't want to rush, some men don't, and both should be respected.

Yeah this, you’ve only known each other for a very short time, for a lot of people thats too soon for anything sexual.

sodthesalami · 11/10/2026 19:56

Scotflyer54 · 11/10/2026 19:28

Op you must take the lead to make this work in all honesty.

Sometimes later in life it takes a bit longer to reach the goal!

Why must OP take the lead? Surely the guy must be aware of the issue. Why can’t he broach it and discuss it like an adult? If he and OP are at the stage of touching, in bed, intimacy etc then why can’t he have the balls to raise it? (No pun intended) His erection issues aren’t OP’s problem to solve! My last ex was always very soft even when he was hard and was quick off the draw, he spent a long time burying his head in the sand about it. Smacks of immaturity to just pretend there’s nothing wrong.