New Partner Reluctant to have sex

[MummysLittleSunbeam]

I have been seeing a new partner for over a month. We see each other a couple of nights a week and have spent the last 2 weekends together. We message several times a day and we get on so well. I really fancy him but, the lack of sex could be an issue. We have spent the last 2 Saturday nights together but, not had sex. He has said that he is attracted to me but, he is really nervous and has said that it has been a long time since he spent the night with someone. There is a lot of passionate kissing and touching. However, he doesn’t get remotely hard. I do try and reassure him and am happy to wait.. for a bit. At this rate, we will end up in the friend zone, which will be a real shame. I don’t really know what to do or how long to wait. He said that his last relationship lasted a couple of months and then fizzled out. I can see how this could happen… but, in all other ways, it is a great relationship…

That's the most important thing is it?
How shallow.

Could he have prostate issues? I was in a relationship with someone who did and he often had difficulties getting an erection

That would worry me a lot.

Ditch him and get a younger model. Take a leaf out the male playbook. 😂

No, I’m kidding (kind of). If you really like him maybe have a talk about viagra or see where the issue is coming from. Could be nerves, but it’s probably a physiological issue given his age.

a hot blooded male would be ripping your knickers off with his teeth after passionate kissing and touching.
An open conversation between the two of you is needed and quickly too.

I had this with my current DP in the early days, similar age.

He was nervous, after a long time without sex, but he was as keen to "fix" it as I was and sorted some vigra. That wasn't a miracle fix either and it took a few attempts before he was "reliable", but 2 years on, he still takes the tablets, but it's very rarely (and usually involves drink) that things don't happen as they should.

I sometimes feel a bit sad that things don't just happen when we're close, but everything else is good so, i can get past that.

That sounds like a great way into the conversation. The fact that he didn’t wake up with an erection is not so much of a problem, but being in bed together and not having one could well be a pointer that he has some ED issues, an outside of the bedroom talk is needed

Try cialis (taladafil) it stays in the system longer and is better for spontaneity

That’s literally what the OP has posted about!

It’s not shallow to want a man who can have sex. It’s not shallow to want a man who can talk about sex. It’s not shallow to want a man who can discuss problems.

it would be entirely OP’s right to end this relationship for whatever reason she chooses.

He did try it once early on in the relationship, and it wasn't successful, so he went back to what he knew helped. I think he tried to early, especially as it had taken a while to find his confidence with the viagra, but he's reluctant to change things.

I will get round to suggesting another attempt now he's more comfortable/confident but it's OK for now.

@Resealablestrip has he had his testosterone level measured? My DP was low and has tablets and no Viagra needed. Takes the pressure off ‘timing’ things which may also help

It's not shallow to expect sex in a relationship FGS!!! The OPs thread is about this mans reluctance to have sex so it clearly very important to her.

This with bells on

The likelihood is that he's got some kind of ED, but the worry is that he's not addressing it. A simple "I'm really eager to be intimate but need a bit of help these days" is all it takes. The fact he's asking you to be patient would be ringing alarm bells here and would indicate that he either can't or won't take medication for it - or even worse hasn't seen a GP.

I think you need a serious conversation before you go spending months down the line and realising that you're never going to be fulfilled in this relationship. Being sexless in a long term marriage is one thing, but in a new relationship? That's a big ask.

Thanks all. I will speak to him in person the next time I see him. If he isn’t prepared to talk about it or acknowledge that there may be an issue, I will suggest that we just be friends.

I have never had this before and appreciate your advice. It is a lot more complex than I was expecting…

Tell him to buy some Cialis or Viagra, over the counter in pharmacies, to give him confidence.

There's a big missing piece here...will he give YOU a good time. You don't need an erection for that! My DP started off like yours but he's amazing with my needs and is now having a much better time himself. It took a while! Good luck OP

I'm sorry OP but this is turning into something way to complex for something that's been going for just over a month. It's turning into a project that you're trying to fix and if you don't your self esteem and confidence will take a knock. If you like him friend zone him or throw him back IMO.

Get him some viagra... that will sort it out if it's physical. Not sure if it's mental...

Actually, Viagra doesn't always 'sort it out' if it's physical.

It works for about 75% of men, and for those it works for, it doesn't always work first time. They often have to persevere with it and try it on several different occasions before it starts to affect them.

I would see reluctance to talk a big red flag personally. I wouldnt really care about the sex but honesty is a must.

You're going to give it months?sheesh!
I met dh on a Saturday night. We were too drunk to even consider sex.
We arranged a 'date 'for the following Wednesday..i wanted to sample The Goods before I got invested so we had sex on the Monday!
Been together 14 years. I wasn't waiting months!

There could be many reasons unfortunately, so I think it's something that can only be figured out from talking and initiating intimacy. My current DP of nearly 3 years was very standoffish, we would kiss and it all felt great, but he didn't suggest sex. After about 2 and a half months I initiated, all was great, and it seemed his issue was just before I met him he had an issue where he initiated sex with a close friend who seemed to be indicating she wanted more (she climbed into bed and cuddled him) but recoiled when he made an advance, so he got scared of making a mistake too soon again. All is great with our sex life though.

I had this with a guy once, lots of evening dates and kissing at tube stations, never came home with me. I thought he was being a gentleman. After a month of dating he came home with me one evening and just could not keep it up. I saw him on and off over a few years ( I moved abroad) and he could never last more than 10 seconds inside me. Nice guy, heavy drinker - 10 years later I am sure he has medical issues related to it as its a warning sign for other things going on, cant remember what thou.

Viagra doesn't work for all men. Can give intense headaches though.