New Partner Reluctant to have sex

[MummysLittleSunbeam]

I have been seeing a new partner for over a month. We see each other a couple of nights a week and have spent the last 2 weekends together. We message several times a day and we get on so well. I really fancy him but, the lack of sex could be an issue. We have spent the last 2 Saturday nights together but, not had sex. He has said that he is attracted to me but, he is really nervous and has said that it has been a long time since he spent the night with someone. There is a lot of passionate kissing and touching. However, he doesn’t get remotely hard. I do try and reassure him and am happy to wait.. for a bit. At this rate, we will end up in the friend zone, which will be a real shame. I don’t really know what to do or how long to wait. He said that his last relationship lasted a couple of months and then fizzled out. I can see how this could happen… but, in all other ways, it is a great relationship…

@MummysLittleSunbeam Have you tried giving him oral sex and letting him orgasm that way until he relaxes a bit and his confidence improves?

Oral sex is much less pressure than sexual intercourse because there isn't the pressure of trying to satisfy you.

@SocksTalk - thanks..Yes - I will try that…

Or he'll think bingo and just lie there in future expecting her to go down on him with no effort required on his part.

I'm sure relationships and sex aren't meant to be this difficult after only a couple of months. If he's not keen/excited in the early days when's he ever going to catch fire? Never I imagine.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Diabetes,anti depressants,high BP meds.

Hi OP,

I had this - the man was early 40s but was never hard and we never had sex. He also had serious issues; I realised later - incel vibes. We broke up after a year of no sex (unrelated reason actually) but lots of good foreplay. He did try viagra but it did not work. With him, I did suspect it was phychological but I really do not know. Either way, I can guess that, years later, it never got better.He was a messed up man underneath how he presented himself. I was so supportive at the time but I made a lucky escape.

To be honest, he is probably one of the loveliest and most honest blokes that I have been out with. Perhaps, it is medication or just too soon. I will give it a few more months and see how it goes…

I think men in their mid 50s who have this issue don’t improve in that department.

Especially when they won’t entertain a conversation about it

Omg @LittleJustice I’m so jealous. “Hard as a rock” what I would give for a lover who was hard as a rock. But I never get it

He said you will "have to be patient"? I don't like that much OP - sounds like he sees himself as the prize you should be patiently waiting for..... Just the wording he has used seems a bit cocky to me. And it doesn't really help much, does it? If he has ED it's not going to miraculously go away over night.

Having said that, plenty of people don't have sex in the first month (and plenty do - either is totally fine, whenever both are ready it's all good!) So I wouldn't be that shocked by someone not being ready for sex in this time frame. BUT the lack of erections when making out are an issue. And it does seem like, in other regards, the relationship is very intense, with a lot of time together for such early days. (Again, fine if you are both happy with that - different strokes for different folks and all that)? If he is happy with this degree of intensity, it somehow seems incongruous that he does not want to add sex into the mix.

I'd proceed with caution if I were you. Are you aware of some of the common causes of ED in men of his age? And any men, actually?

Thanks all… we get on really well and, I suppose, have become really good friends. He is really tactile and affectionate.

As we live a fair distance away, the idea of him staying over was so that we could both have a drink. He had the option to stay in the spare room both times but, opted to sleep with me.

I suspect that he may be on some medication, now that you mention it. I will broach the subject when I see him next and see what he says. Even if he says that he isn’t ready, that’s fine but, I would like to talk about it.

@OP My experience of this is that GPs are not all across the detail of all the side effects of the meds (if that's it and depending what they are) so he may need to arm himself with a bit of research if he goes x

There are many threads on MN started by women with partners with ED.

The main problem is not the ED itself, it’s that the men (a) hid or minimised their problem in the early stages of the relationship, (b) couldn’t talk about it or seek treatment once a sexual relationship was attempted and (c) became defensive and belligerent when women suggested that a full sexual relationship was a dealbreaker.

The main theme from these women is that they felt they had been duped into a relationship and their time, energy, emotions and sometimes money had been wasted.

Enjoy spending time with this man but don’t invest too much before you really know what is going on and you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with him.

I couldn’t be arsed with this and it will only get worse.

But sex is important to me and really the only reason I’d date someone now 😂

You don't say whether you're early, middle or late 50's? I had a healthy sex drive in my early 50's, but now, at 57, it's dropped off a cliff. It used to cause problems as DH has low libido and some ED. Now we have no arguments about lack of sex, as we are both on the same page. But we've been together for 18 years, so there is a solid friendship there. I wouldn't bother to date if I became single, as I'm not wanting much sex. But I guess you are. Just be aware that in a couple of years this might be a non issue.

Especially then.

How do you know. What a horrible post.

He's either gay or has a serious health issue he would rather ignore. I'd put this one into the friend category and start dating again. Being a beard will not be fulfilling and it's not your job to gently encourage him or to manage his health he's a big boy now he should be doing all that himself.

Some men struggle to admit to themselves they have erection issues OP. I think it's something I would bring up and ask the question. He might need some encouragement to visit the GP.

Viagra doesn't work for everyone but Viagra isn't the only pill around. A lot of research has gone into ED.

@Netcurtainnelly i think a sub-par sex life at such an early stage is ’horrible’. And I speak from experience when I say these things rarely improve. OP would preserve her self esteem and sex life by moving on to someone more compatible with her sexually.

There are loads of physical reasons a man in his 50s might have problems getting an erection. It's not always psychological, and if he doesn't get erections in his sleep either, there's a good chance it's physical. Have you asked him if he masturbates?

He needs to be prepared to have an open conversation with you about it and also to see a doctor if need be.

A beard isn't about pretending to be gay - it's the exact opposite.

It's a gay man having a woman in his life as a ruse, in order to make him appear to be heterosexual.

You don’t have to be anything.

This is a brand brew relationship: if it’s not working for you, you can leave.

It’s really not supposed to be so difficult at the start!

Not at all.

this guy doesn’t seem to be or able to do anything to solve his own ED issues. They are his to solve, not OP’s.