Was I harsh telling my friend this about her situation?

[GrilledPineapples]

My friend became pregnant after a one night stand with a married man. She decided to keep the baby.

He wanted to stay with his wife and so it was agreed that he would attend appointments and the birth. I warned her it would be difficult and messy. His wife went with him to the appts and then they left each time when my friend said she only wanted him in the room with her.

When it came to the c section date. He didn’t turn up and the wife messaged to say they had decided that in order to save their marriage he couldn’t be involved. I had to rush last minute to be with her instead as she had nobody else to be her birth partner.

She wants me to try to speak to him as he has blocked her. The only ‘contact’ is him sending money every month (baby is 4 months old now)

I’ve told her that no, I won’t help anymore. She knew he was married and pursued him and I’m not going to get involved anymore as I don’t actually agree with what she did at all, that I have kept quiet till now but I just can’t anymore. On a practical level I’ll help but I’m not interested in what seems to be her attempt to sabotage his marriage. She needs to keep things calm and stable for her child and pursue things legally if necessary (can she go to court for contact ?) he’s paying her so it’s at least not a maintenance issue. She said I’m harsh ?

What a mess.

Poor wife. You weren't being harsh.

You can't force a parent to have contact, only pay maintenance.

You've been a good friend, I'd keep supporting her as much as you can and redirect the conversation when she's fixated on contacting the father.

I don't think it's harsh that you don't want to get involved and she shouldn't really expect you to. She is probably very emotional and maybe her decision-making is not great at the moment. She will have to process the loss of the relationship and allow herself to grieve so she could accept the situation and move on with her life.

Not harsh at all. What does she want from him? Whatever it is she isn't going to get it. The wife won (though why she would want a cheating scumbag I don't know).

Your friend needs to move on

YANBU - she needs to be careful he doesn't claim she's harrasing him.

What does she think you can say that would make him want to contact her? A one night stand is not a relationship. She has to let it go.

I don't know if I think the wife is daft or if I admire her for going to the appointments with him.

Sabotage his marriage? He's done that perfectly well himself. What's with the misogyny on here always blaming a woman for a man's indiscretion? So he gets to be a completely absent father save for paying the maintenance he owes, but she's the one in the wrong? More fool the wife for staying with him.

There’s no way to compel an absent father to have contact, only to pay child support.

She should check if he’s paying the right level of support (there are calculators online, but you’d need to know his salary).

But other than that there’s nothing she can do.

You weren’t harsh. You were honest.

That’s messy, the only thing that’s important is giving that child stability, all the adults are in someway responsible for the situation. His wife is probably the only innocent party.

It’s just a horrible situation and I’ve tried to be kind but she seems determined to be in some kind of contest with his wife it’s more about winning than getting contact for her child and basing things around his needs and more to just be the ‘winner’ .

In that case I would walk away from the friendship if I were you. Your views don’t align at all and she clearly sees nothing wrong in what she’s doing. The friendship won’t work

You were not harsh.

The friend in question knew that he was married. Her actions are for her to own.

It's it really more fool the friend for having a child with him, when this was always going to be the outcome?

None of it is good, but this is particularly bad. She’s lucky to have you.

She needs counselling and she needs to let go of him.

Jesus. Your friend isn’t very nice is she. Husbands a dick too obvs, but that is the wife’s issue. How sad for the children involved.

You are only being honest. She made her bed now she has to lie in it.

I’m not sure why she had a child by someone she slept with once, ridiculous but maybe she doesn’t believe in abortion so that’s her choice.

She can get the child maintenance, but she absolutely cannot force him to spend time with the child. He doesn’t want the child, he wants his wife (and clearly the occasional fling).

Personally I would also have ditched her for having loose morals, but I know I’m exceptionally harsh when it comes to cheaters (and those who knowingly sleep with married men/women) and will not have them in my life. If you can’t trust them not to do that, then what can you trust them with.

You weren't harsh. She needs to wise up. You're right for not getting involved.

Ah well its always the mans fault isnt it. Poor little innocent girl didnt realise she might get pregnant through unprotected sex. She is as bad as him

I can see why she's finding it harsh but she really needed someone to spell it out for her. She's played a game in a nasty way and lost and she needs to wise up. She cannot take him to court for contact. If she continues to try and pursue him, including through you she may find herself on the other end of an harassment charge. She needs to focus on how she's going to be a decent single parent to her baby.

She wasn't married. I don't think she's an innocent party at all but he has cheated and she hasn't. What she has done since is ridiculous though, she needs to find a bit of pride and put her child first.

Tbh this would be a friend i would fizzle away from, who needs drama queens in their lifes like that.
Their mess their kid their problems.
Op just walk away before you get dragged into it, she seems to be trying that now, but thankfully you can see it.

Walk away let the friendship fizzle out.
They are both to blame not just one they knew what they were doing.