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Original poster

Was I harsh telling my friend this about her situation?

103 replies

GrilledPineapples · 08/10/2026 17:40

My friend became pregnant after a one night stand with a married man. She decided to keep the baby.

He wanted to stay with his wife and so it was agreed that he would attend appointments and the birth. I warned her it would be difficult and messy. His wife went with him to the appts and then they left each time when my friend said she only wanted him in the room with her.

When it came to the c section date. He didn’t turn up and the wife messaged to say they had decided that in order to save their marriage he couldn’t be involved. I had to rush last minute to be with her instead as she had nobody else to be her birth partner.

She wants me to try to speak to him as he has blocked her. The only ‘contact’ is him sending money every month (baby is 4 months old now)

I’ve told her that no, I won’t help anymore. She knew he was married and pursued him and I’m not going to get involved anymore as I don’t actually agree with what she did at all, that I have kept quiet till now but I just can’t anymore. On a practical level I’ll help but I’m not interested in what seems to be her attempt to sabotage his marriage. She needs to keep things calm and stable for her child and pursue things legally if necessary (can she go to court for contact ?) he’s paying her so it’s at least not a maintenance issue. She said I’m harsh ?

OP posts:
SquirrelGG · 09/10/2026 20:27

JJWT · 09/10/2026 19:34

I know you're right but I hate this. How come he can force her to have 100% contact but she can't insist he has any? They both had sex. They are both his parents. Feels like the errant guy gets off scott-free.

Show quote history

Funny, when a woman wants an abortion and the man doesn't we hear about how "he has no rights, her body her choice". Fair enough, but when an actual baby is born suddenly he is supposed to step up and be a parent, whether he wanted the child or not. He hasn't "forced" her to have 100% contact, she chose to have the baby and is now playing silly games about it.

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2026 21:07

I expect she git pregnant deliberately to try to win him.
now it’s backfired

all she can do is claim cms and if he wants contact facilitate it otherwise leave him and his ( foolish ) wife alone.

poor kid

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 09/10/2026 21:09

I don't think you were being harsh at all. She needs to concentrate on her Baby.

Maisymouse2 · 09/10/2026 21:21

Why is she so hooked on a one night stand?
Her emotionals are at play..you can clearly see it for what it is...a mess.
I hope the payments are of a decent amount as he is the father.
Yes she can pursue contact...perhaps if the egg had of been safe or not gone there he wouldnt be in this mess of cresting a innocent human being.
Good for you Op...people do not like honest.

Seajaye · 09/10/2026 21:31

JJWT · 09/10/2026 19:34

I know you're right but I hate this. How come he can force her to have 100% contact but she can't insist he has any? They both had sex. They are both his parents. Feels like the errant guy gets off scott-free.

Show quote history

It's not just 100% contact she will be having with the baby, it is ar least another 18 years of relentless parenting and try to balance income , even with some child maintenance, against expenditure.

It won't be a welcome suggestion as I'm sure the child was dearly wanted by her, but not by it's father) but there is still the option of adoption if she feels she can't do 100% contact/all the parenting alone with zero in person support from baby's father..

What a muddle she has made for for everyone caught in the aftermath of the affair, including herself.

JHound · 09/10/2026 21:33

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2026 21:07

I expect she git pregnant deliberately to try to win him.
now it’s backfired

all she can do is claim cms and if he wants contact facilitate it otherwise leave him and his ( foolish ) wife alone.

poor kid

You can’t “get pregnant deliberately” without a man’s express consent. He chose to have unprotected sex too.

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2026 21:55

Of course.
but it’s perfectly possible a woman deliberately tries to set out to get pregnant

yes I’m on the pill
no we don’t need to use anything

of course he had agency to ensure he used protection but women can and do set out to get pregnant also trick men into thinking they’re protected contraception wise

should men believe it ? No. Do they ? Of course

DiscourteousDiana · 09/10/2026 22:03

Your friend is so dark. The dad is a knobhead. The wife is a fool. You are the only normal person in this situation.

boymum2022x · 09/10/2026 22:36

Gosh what a mess. No I don’t think you were harsh, but remember she’s post partum so particularly vulnerable right now. She may change her feelings as time passes. Ultimately tho I don’t believe a child should have to pay for the sins of their parents. As stupid as she was to keep the baby, it’s here now and deserves two parents who love them. It’s a shame so many men walk away from their kids, knowing the trauma this can cause them.

JHound · 09/10/2026 23:29

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2026 21:55

Of course.
but it’s perfectly possible a woman deliberately tries to set out to get pregnant

yes I’m on the pill
no we don’t need to use anything

of course he had agency to ensure he used protection but women can and do set out to get pregnant also trick men into thinking they’re protected contraception wise

should men believe it ? No. Do they ? Of course

No she cannot get pregnant deliberately without a man’s consent. He chose to have unprotected sex. On a one night stand.

Booboobagins · 10/10/2026 02:25

You are right. He hasn't chosen her. Thats it, move on.

She made a huge mistake - sad some women do this to try to catch a man...

Bostonplace · 10/10/2026 03:10

This whole situation is a shitshow of her own making.

She knew the father didn’t want her or the baby but chose to continue with the pregnancy anyway. Fine, that is her right, but incredibly selfish in my view as this child is going to grow up knowing they were never wanted by one of their parents and I think that is incredibly harmful. Did she think of the reality of her future or just romanticize this one night stand random leaving his wife for her? Her baby had a step mother from day 1 of conception and shared custody was the reality. She was delusional.

To be honest, she’s in the best position she could be in - child support paid with no hassle, full custody and no legal dramas/expenses.

The problem is, deep down she didn’t actually want the baby, she wanted to be chosen by the man as it would give her a sense of winning/worth, maybe a feeling of family. He’s walked away (as is his right - and I’d rather he walked away now than before the child forms an attachment) and she’s left with the baby she alone chose to keep.

Walk away. This is not a good person.

Trappedinthecastofawhodunnit · 10/10/2026 04:20

millymollymoomoo · 09/10/2026 21:55

Of course.
but it’s perfectly possible a woman deliberately tries to set out to get pregnant

yes I’m on the pill
no we don’t need to use anything

of course he had agency to ensure he used protection but women can and do set out to get pregnant also trick men into thinking they’re protected contraception wise

should men believe it ? No. Do they ? Of course

No excuse - both are responsible for this situation.

Iocanepowder · 10/10/2026 04:50

You did the right thing op. I’d have been harsher and told her how much of an idiot she was as soon as got pregnant.

All 3 of them in this situation are idiots. Including the wife.

Toooldtocare25 · 10/10/2026 06:37

I couldn’t be friends with someone who pursues other people’s husbands , how would you ever trust them ?

pinkypoo8 · 10/10/2026 09:47

Fair enough but there is no marriage left to sabotage this will end in disaster he had an affair and got someone pregnant there's no way back from that

OneCalmSquid · 10/10/2026 13:34

Lightlyshatofficechair · 08/10/2026 17:53

Sabotage his marriage? He's done that perfectly well himself. What's with the misogyny on here always blaming a woman for a man's indiscretion? So he gets to be a completely absent father save for paying the maintenance he owes, but she's the one in the wrong? More fool the wife for staying with him.

More fool the tramp who is continuiotrying to wreck a marriage because it isn't going the way she planned.
Oh the irony of your comment in which you state that women are always blamed, then you blame the wife for staying.....

MsPrufrockk · 10/10/2026 13:36

GrilledPineapples · 08/10/2026 18:02

It’s just a horrible situation and I’ve tried to be kind but she seems determined to be in some kind of contest with his wife it’s more about winning than getting contact for her child and basing things around his needs and more to just be the ‘winner’ .

If he doesn't want to have contact, she can't make him. What a mess, the poor baby.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 10/10/2026 13:39

He is paying. Try and talk to her and to ell her that this could be simpler in the long run. She now gets to make all the decisions and it will be much less complicated when she meets someone else.

CurlewKate · 10/10/2026 13:43

He has sabotaged his own marriage. He’s a complete arsehole and she’s better off without him. She should make sure the financial side is sorted out and never see him again.

daleylama · 10/10/2026 15:35

Lightlyshatofficechair · 08/10/2026 17:53

Sabotage his marriage? He's done that perfectly well himself. What's with the misogyny on here always blaming a woman for a man's indiscretion? So he gets to be a completely absent father save for paying the maintenance he owes, but she's the one in the wrong? More fool the wife for staying with him.

Because she's in charge of her own body including birth control and who she sleeps with

Boomer55 · 10/10/2026 16:28

What a mess to bring a baby into. Your mate and the man should have been more sensible.

ImGoneUnderground · 10/10/2026 23:50

FoggyDay58 · 08/10/2026 17:44

Poor wife. You weren't being harsh.

Sorry if I have missed some replies - Poor wife, yes, absolutely - but horrible cheating husband - he was the one who cheated, not your 'friend'. . But she has a lovely baby, so sod him - & yes, he should pay towards the upbringing of the child. But agree that 'forced' contact isn't a 'thing' that can be in any way help the situation - she can just get on with her life & enjoy the baby. He, the cheating B isn't worth it. (and likely to do it again, perhaps??).

Wecanbeheroes26 · 11/10/2026 00:14

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your friend will never be the winner in this scenario. You were not harsh.

Laura95167 · 11/10/2026 10:09

I think you were very reserved.

I think exactly like you. It was wrong to pursue a married man and while its her body and baby she should have made her decision knowing she was going to be a single parent.

He was the one who cheated so I think his wife should directly blame him. But she knew he had a wife when she chose to have her baby. And thats fine, shes right to chose what she wants with her pregnancy. But she wasnt misled, she knew his choice and made hers and unfortunately the consequences or that choice are her baby wont have a daddy actively involved in their life

While I accept she wouldnt want his wife in the birthing room with her, I think its reasonable the man and his wife are a unit and decide they arent comfy with him at the birth or at any other hospital visits alone.

I think his wife has been very forgiving in the circs and im not surprised he ultimately had to choose between his wife and a child im certain he wouldnt have wanted to conceive (i accept this is 50% his fault he did)

Hes told his wife, hes supporting this child and hes fighting for his marriage. He didnt get a choice once the child was conceived and hes done mostly the right things since this betrayal of his poor wife. But your friend continues to do the wrong thing trying to cause problems for them with any hope of a benefit to her baby

Your friend should have always expected to parent alone. As long as hes paying his support she cant force him to do anything emotionally nor should she try.

Id have said to her, you knew he was married when you chased him, you knew he picked his wife when you chose to have this baby so you got what you chose.

And I think its completely reasonable to supprt her with the baby and refuse to be involved in bothering this man who made his choice or his poor wife who deserves none of it